“How is this guy working and not me?”

As the economy was tanking at the end of 2008, I, like many contract attorneys, found myself scrambling for work. One night, while frustratedly clicking around the internet for leads, I happened to come across this post from the blog Anonymous Contract Lawyer:

I almost forgot I was working at a law firm for the past 4 months. No pressure, no expectations, come and go as we please as long as we make the Monday status meeting and clock 8 hours a day. Economic downturn? Like lightning, it hit around our protective contract bubble.

“How is this guy working and not me?” was the only thought running through my mind. What I was to find out was that this “guy” was actually a woman, who was reviewing docs across the country in San Francisco.

After scanning through a few entries of her blog, I was hooked. I now follow her blog pretty regularly. It could be a manual on “things no one ever tells you about document review.” The format is simple, smart, informative and funny. Also, she’s a huge fan of Above The Law (except for the contributions of Hope Winters).

So why does this attorney want to remain anonymous? I mean, I know the need to conceal one’s identity is mostly a foreign concept to the readers of this blog, especially those who comment.

Well, first, she is a contract lawyer, and considering Elie’s post the other day, I guess that’s enough said right there.

But there are other reasons for sure. I recently had the chance to speak with the Anonymous Contract Lawyer (ACL) herself. You won’t find photos of her on her ACL blog, but you will find them on an adult website dedicated to “force-feminizing” men. Caveat: There are some raunchy details awaiting, after the jump.

When ACL is not writing on her blog, working on doc reviews, teaching at her local community college, learning Japanese, or applying for her conceal-and-carry license, she has a “side gig” in the adult film industry. After answering an ad online, she was hired by a website to pose in antique lingerie as a pin-up girl and force men to wear women’s undergarments. She, as the dominant figure in these videos, force “feminizes” men by making them put on old-fashioned female underwear, aka granny panties. Seriously.

On speaking with ACL, she was, first and foremost, *surprise* very anonymous. So anonymous, in fact, that I don’t even know her first name. She wouldn’t even tell me off the record. In fact, she even spoke to me on a throwaway, pre-paid cell phone. When she told me that, I thought, why do I feel like I’ve gotten myself into an episode of “The Wire”? Anyway, what a bummer about the cell number. Now, I can’t even prank her on Craigslist like I did Kash a few weeks ago. (For the record, that was not me, I promise. I would never do something like that, well, to Kash at least.)

What in the H-E Double Hockey Sticks is wrong with this world, at least when it comes to porn? If you are heterosexual and you like watching male-on-female action (or hot lesbians), I get that. If you’re gay, and gay porn is what floats your boat, I get that. If you are into BDS&M, and being tied up or whipped is how you roll, I totally don’t understand why anyone would do that to save my life I get that too.

But, seriously, granny panties? Men being forced to wear granny panties are what some people watch nowadays to get it on, or more aptly put, get it off? I mean, besides this guy, who in the world is into that?

“I was kind of surprised about it myself,” says ACL.

I discussed this with a colleague of mine, who in a past life managed an adult lingerie store, and who now, somewhat ironically, is a Sunday school teacher.

“Oh that world is out there, believe me,” she said “and the whole ‘forced’ aspect brings in a completely different element to the mix.”

And what inspired ACL to enter this line of work, besides the need for a check?

“I enjoy learning about other people, their experiences, their desires, by stepping outside what I thought was ‘normal’,” she said. “Besides, if you are in a committed relationship and you want to try something that may end up seeming icky and it fails, it can make life more stressful because now you see that person everyday. I would rather try things like that with people that are ‘disposable,’ meaning you won’t see them again.”

On her videos, ACL will engage in anything except penetration. Thankfully, her life as an adult film star is nothing but glamorous.

Did another filming today. More cross-dressing and sissy boy stuff. Not my cup of tea, but when someone gives me a check to talk about how hot guys in nylon panties and slips are, I’ll make it my cup. Because I. am. a. professional.

The other guy there was odd. Kept a running monologue about how excited he was and everything he was seeing and feeling. Like a special panty boy. It got to the point that R, the filmer, participant and director, had to stop filming, stop the action, and remind new guy that this was not all about him. “Look Sharon, this is fun, but you need to stop. This is a business and there are things I need to get done for the members. Things the members like. So you need to take direction and trust me. Remember what we talked about.”

I’m sitting on the sofa in some heinous white nylon granny panties and a pink nylon nightie listening to one man in nylon women’s panties and a nightie dress down another middle-aged man with a belly in nylon panties and a nightie. Surr-freakin-real. My first experience in how difficult it must be on a porn set.

Don’t get the wrong impression, though, porn is a very small aspect of ACL’s life. The only reason I bring up her adult film career is that it serves as a shameless hook used to generate ratings is what makes her unique.

And that’s part of what’s so great about her blog. It’s raw and it’s real. It’s a true window into someone’s life and inner-thoughts. It turns out starting Anonymous Contract Lawyer was almost second nature for her.

“When I was younger, I always kept a diary and a journal,” she said. “Writing has always helped me to learn things.

Besides having a law degree, ACL also has another graduate degree as well, which helped her land a job teaching at a local community college. All I know is the course she teaches is something communications-related. She notes how one student got the wrong impression from her off the bat.

My students think I’m gay.

Or one of them does. Received an email from a student with the following:

I am send my regrets about prop 8, although the courts may end up deciding on the prop’s legality and tossing it out (it has happened before). But it is amazing that one out of state, religious entity spent sooooo much money influencing the outcome of the vote. So much for separation of church and state.

Speaking of gay, ACL often speaks of her best friend in life, a guy she refers to as “Apex.” She also admits to having strong physical and emotional feelings for him. Emotionally, he seems to be connected to her in the same way, physically, not so much.

I went to Reno this weekend to see Apex. Overall,a great trip but like every trip when we get together I am hit with

  1. intense physical desire
  2. frustration when there seems to be no reciprocity of feeling #1

Reserved a room at a hotel. We were upgraded at the desk to a great suite. The suite had a whirlpool. Fortuitousness!

After a little convincing (it won’t hurt you), he agrees. So he went to get ice for our waters, I drew the bath, put in the body wash, and turned on the bubbles [btw--whirlpool manufacturers always recommend not to do this, in part because the combination of air and bubble bath makes some outrageous bubbles!!]. I get naked and get in. Apex returns, strips down to his boxers, and gets in. Yes, folks, boxers. There is a naked woman in the tub and he is in his underwear.

Later on that evening, things really heated up.

I begin to massage his calves and then his thighs. I keep my hands away from his crotch. He is cool with it, in fact he adds more hot water to the tub when the water in the tub starts to cool off. I sneak peaks at him, see if there is any physical reaction demonstrating an attraction. Seems to be none.

Why is the song “Business Time” from Flight of the Conchords suddenly stuck in my head? Don’t worry, if you are not turned on by now, it gets even hotter.

We go to the room, he rented a movie he liked and wanted me to see. “Watch a movie and cuddle” was how he sold it when we rented it. Unfortunately, my dvd player didn’t work and his computer is on the intermittent work plan. He was a little pissed about it, a little like a spoiled boy, and said “Well, it’s late and we should get to bed.” And then laid way on his side of the bed with his back to me. Eventually, I put my hand on his arm. Nothing. I start to pull it away and he puts his hand on mine. I leave it. After some time he moves his hand and arm and pulls away even more (if that was possible). Denied.

Okay, so let me get this straight. This guy is sitting in a hot tub with a naked woman, one who clearly is attractive enough that someone PAYS her to pose as a pin-up model for his website. This woman is trying desperately to come on to him, and NOTHING HAPPENS? I don’t wanna judge here, but I think the first commenter on that post summed it up perfectly:

“His response was not that of a heterosexual male.”

ACL, however, has a different point of view.

“I would like to go on the record,” she says, “that I believe he is straight and just not attracted to me.”

ACL has developed another love as well:  Japan. She recently was part of a wedding there, and blogged about her experience.

When I was talking the train from Kyoto to Tokyo I walked through some cars to get to the smoking car. Walked through 2.5 cars full of school kids. Doing what school kids do, when left to their own devices. Sprawled on the seats, the aisles, playing uno and looking at manga. But when I came in they would make way. And the entire car would say “Herro!” So cute.

Small wonder why she is now intent on learning Japanese.

Let’s take a step back for a moment. You might be thinking, this must be some, free-spirited, Obama-loving, San Francisco liberal who would probably tie herself to the gates of the San Francisco Zoo if that would somehow help save a polar bear in Iceland, right? Wrong. ACL, who hails from the Midwest, definitely leans right politically, and strongly made the case for McCain in 2008. In fact, she is actually in the process of getting her conceal-and-carry license in California, not because she feels threatened, but just because she can.

I think it’s fair to say that ACL may truly be one of the most interesting contract attorneys on the planet.

That’s right, stay thirsty, my friends.

Gabe Acevedo is an attorney in Washington, D.C. and the owner of the e-discovery blog, GabesGuide.com. He also writes on legal technology and discovery issues for Above The Law. He can be reached at gabe@abovethelaw.com.


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