A Collection of Things You Can Do in a Bathroom

We know how our readers are obsessed with toilets. Over the course of this week, a couple of stories came in about bathroom shenanigans, and we’ll deal with them both here. We’ve got a steamy bathroom (or maybe not, see correction below) and a stinky bathroom from Iowa and UCLA Law, respectively.

First up, Iowa. Land of same-sex marriage and judges getting kicked around because of same-sex marriage. With everybody hot and bothered over gay love in the corn state, you’d think there wasn’t any good, clean, traditional-values sex happening in Iowa. Well the Des Moines Register tells us that Iowa is still safe for heterosexual couples:

A Waterloo lawyer who allegedly had sex with a client in the law library of the Black Hawk County Courthouse faces a possible suspension of his license.

The Iowa Supreme Court’s Attorney Disciplinary Board alleges that Clovis M. Bowles had sexual relations with one of his female clients on several occasions in 2007 and 2008.

Clearly, if we let the “gay agenda” have its way and ruin the traditional definition of marriage, this kind of grotty, bathroom hetrosex will be a thing of the past. And that’ll make Jesus angry…

This Bowles guy sure sounds like a real catch:

The client had a history of emotional problems and hired Bowles shortly after attempting suicide and checking herself into a psychiatric facility.

According to the board, Bowles, 56, was aware of the 33-year-old woman’s mental problems and her status as a victim of domestic abuse when he summoned her to his law office, where they could talk privately. The two allegedly had sex that day and on several other occasions.

But the couple wasn’t exposed until they flashed their exhibitionist streak:

In January 2008, the two met at the Black Hawk County Courthouse where the woman allegedly offered to have sex with Bowles, which she believed would be treated as compensation for legal services.

The two were allegedly engaged in sex in the courthouse library when another person walked into the room and saw them. The next day, Bowles allegedly represented the woman during a criminal court proceeding.

CORRECTION: Sorry, the Des Moines Register report doesn’t contain the bathroom anecdote, just that Bowles and his client had sex in the courthouse law library. The bathroom scene, comes solely from an unverified tipster who claims that the sex took place in the law library’s bathroom. Another tipster who sent in the same story did not mention anything about a bathroom. I’m guilty of seeing what I wanted to see here and running with it. My apologies.

As troubling as it may be for lawyer Clovis “Humpty Hump” Bowles to get busy with his emotionally unstable client in a public bathroom, a letter UCLA Law students received earlier this week regarding their bathrooms was far more disturbing:

Subject: Plumbing emergency in law library

Dear Law Students,

We have a plumbing emergency in the library which necessitates the closing of all of the library restrooms—all other restrooms in the law school are currently unaffected. I deeply apologize for the inconvenience and will be sure to let you know as soon as the problem is resolved. I’m sorry this is the first thing I have to communicate to you in this new school year!

In the history of the world, there has been one cool plumbing emergency. That was when the toilet in the Amityville Horror movie told the family to “Get. Out.” Every other plumbing emergency since the invention of plumbing has been gross and disgusting. All of them. Ewww.

Honestly, what’s next UCLA Law, are you going to get students to provide cheap janitorial labor by touting it as an excellent opportunity for people interested in sanitation law? Get your s**t together, literally.

In any event, I like the bathroom imagery as a metaphor for the American economy right now. Last year, the economy was in the toilet. This year, we see to be out of the swirl, but we’re still in the bathroom. Sure some people are having hot sex in that bathroom, but it’s still kind of gross and inconsiderate of them. While some people shag, the rest of us are just struggling to keep the toilet from overflowing.

Board: Lawyer had sex with client [Des Moines Register]

Earlier: UCLA Law Offers Most Depressing Job to a Law Student (2010 Edition)

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