Ed. note: This post is by “Juggalo Law,” one of the two writers under consideration to join Morning Dockette as a Morning Docket writer. As always, we welcome your thoughts in the comments.
You might remember that a month ago, Caroline Giuliani was busted for stealing $100 worth of cosmetics from a Sephora store on the Upper East Side. Well, yesterday the swift hammer of justice came down upon young Miss Giuliani’s perfectly made-up head. And I think it’s fair to say that any young woman seeking to figure out her daddy issues by thieving beauty supplies will think long and hard before she goes on a crime spree:
The daughter of prosecutor and former New York City mayor Rudolph Giuliani will have a shoplifting charge dismissed and her case closed and sealed if she completes a day of community service at the city’s sanitation department and doesn’t get arrested again in the next six months.
You read that right. A day. Just enough time to think long and hard about what she has… day’s over! Smell ya later, Sanitation Department! Seems like that gross of “Free Caroline” T-shirts wasn’t the good investment I thought it would be.
So what drove Caroline, a Harvard student, to commit such a frivolous crime?
Well, it’s not a good sign when every news article mentions your estrangement from your father. And Caroline still finishes second in the goofy spawn sweepstakes when compared to her brother, who inspired a judge to write something so horribly laden with golf puns that it would only be considered decent writing if it were penned by an applicant for Morning Docket who cribbed his name from a rap group that dresses up as clowns.
If it is simply a cry for attention from her father, might I suggest becoming a porn star, a la Montana Fishburne. Or maybe she could simply stomp her feet and pout. It worked in a little movie called Wedding Crashers. Allow me to set the scene. In this treatment, Caroline will be played by Isla Fisher and Rudy by Christopher Walken. The wedding has ended and Caroline is begging Rudy to let her bring Vince Vaughn (played by Vince Vaughn) home:
Caroline stomps and pouts.
I was never any good at screenplays.
Rudy Giuliani’s daughter arrested for shoplifting [New York Post]