If you’re like most people who have an important drug test coming up — say, for a new law firm job or for probation (kind of the same thing) — you probably prepare by doing things such as guzzling water, sucking pennies, or ladling your roommate’s urine into a pocket flask.
A somewhat less effective way to prepare involves going on a cocaine and amphetamine binge hours before your drug test and hoping for the best. But that didn’t stop Lindsay Lohan from trying last week:
Lindsay Lohan’s probation has been revoked and a bench warrant issued for her arrest…. Although the bench warrant was issued, it’s being held — i.e., on hold — until Friday at 8:30 AM, when Lindsay is ordered to appear in court.
Under the terms of her probation, Lindsay could get 60 days for her latest misstep, and the bench warrant comes just weeks after Lindsay completed a 14-day jail stint and 23 days in UCLA’s in-patient celebrity-enabling sanctuary rehab for another parole violation.
As an occasional taxpayer (albeit in a different state), I’m annoyed California has to waste precious time and resources monitoring and jailing Lindsay, when they could be doing something useful, like banning Jay Leno. As a lawyer, I’m itching to blame someone or something(s) for her downward spiral, and I have found the proximate clause: her boobs.
Let’s take a closer look…
Fact: In 2003, Lindsay made Freaky Friday. Fact: Two years later, she was reduced to making movies about magical cars.
So what the hell happened in 2004? She bolted two-pound puppies to her chest. Think about it: Lindsay started out as a fresh-faced ingenue, but as my friend [redacted] says, nobody’s looked at face since 1992.
Recognizing this, Lindsay boosted her profile (no pun intended) and went from teen queen to ma-ture actress. With the new Christmas hams came a more “glamorous” lifestyle, and all the added attention, parties and drugs that that entails. Implants were her gateway drug. Palsgraf, anyone?
Lindsay’s isn’t the only life destroyed by implants. Below, I present to you other celebs who went from the breast of times… to the worst of times.
Ed. note: Yes, loyal readers, you’re about to get a completely safe-for-work breast gallery. Don’t say we never did anything for you….