Holidays and Seasons, Law Schools

A Guide to Suing Santa Claus

One unintended consequence of the terrible legal job market is that we’ve got law students running around with a lot of time on their hands. They’re not preparing for callback interviews, they’re not eagerly anticipating new legal challenges. Instead they’re sitting around, bored and terrified, and lashing out at whatever they can.

Mostly, they lash out at each other. Sometimes, it’s their Student Bar Association or their faculty. Occasionally they’ll even take shots at their own law school.

But now they’ve gone too far. A group of law students at Suffolk University Law School put together a guide on how to sue Santa Claus. Here’s the note one of the law students sent me:

At our law school (like so many others), we have been chilled by the lack of employment in the legal industry, potential clients and lucrative future prospects. So we figured: f*** it. If we’re going down, we’re bringing everyone down with us. First on our list is the fattest, jolliest figure we could find: Kris F***** Kringle.

Some of you will find this funny, but you are bastards who will be getting nothing but coal in your stockings. Me, I’ve been a good boy and I full expect to collect my PRO-guitar this holiday season. So I wash my hands of this tomfoolery.

As the immortal Herkermer Homolka would say: “Have your laughing, and I will have mine”…

Here’s a law student’s  guide to suing Santa Claus.

Here are a few potential theories to help you sue Father Christmas:

Intentional Infliction of Emotional Distress
One may sue Santa under the tort theory of IIED. Since, by placing coal in a child’s stockings when they’re naughty, Santa causes immediate mental harm upon many children, especially when they only wanted a Justin Beiber t-shirt or some “Glee” s***.

Violation of Child Labor Laws
That’s right. The ages of many “elves” are unknown, our legal team has documentation on Lord Dumpkoff and Fauntleroy Elvis2 (Santa’s lead elves), and both are aged 5-years-old and 6-years-old, respectively. When we phoned Dumpkoff for comment, he mumbled some incoherent elf jargon, which led our team to believe Santa had drugged the small child. For shame, Santa, for shame.

Use of Non-Domesticated Animals
Black’s Law Dictionary defines non-domesticated as “those animals considered to be naturally wild and not naturally trained or domesticated or which are considered to be inherently dangerous to the health, safety, and welfare of people.” In 2010, there were thirty-seven reports of reindeer attacks on humans in the North Pole region, including a drunken brawl between Donner and an area bike-messenger.

Santa’s continued home invasion tactics and theft of cookies and/or milk will not be viewed kindly by the Court system. Taking a bite of something in someone’s home and then moseying off is tantamount to urinating on a child’s slumbering grandfather on Christmas Eve. Jesus would not approve your peeing on the elderly, Santa.

Fraud/Tax Evasion
According to the IRS, Santa Clause has never filed state or federal taxes. Also, his permission of thousands of impostors to dress as him and reside in American malls is an unwarranted use of his persona.

Speed, Parking and Airspace Violations
The Federal Aviation Administration prohibits both traveling across the globe at mach speeds and flight into protected airspace. Furthermore, he refuses to utilize roads, coin-operated parking meters and garage space. Last year he apparently took a dump on the Carnegie’s grill before he left.

Santa, the legal world is coming and you’re too fat to escape. Too f****** fat.

Dear Law School Deans: Your kids need jobs. Look at them. Just look at the above for God’s sake. This is what happens when you entice people to come to law school and then leave them with limited career options. We all lose, even Santa.

(hidden for your protection)

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