Protip: Do Not Buy A Vibrator For Any Lady At Your Office

Valentine’s Day is coming up. Married men are looking forward to their annual opportunity to have oral sex (don’t act like I’m the only one). Single guys are wondering what kind of depressed and ovulating women will show up at their local bar, alone. And ladies are just hoping for something that will turn all of their girlfriends into jealous bitches. As always, the day promises to be a massacre.

But regardless of your Valentine’s Day motives, please note that there are some intimate gifts that are inappropriate in all situations: gifts like vibrators. Not as a Valentine’s Day present, not as a Christmas present, not as a birthday present. Women can’t show it off to their friends, and it works against you as a sexually suggestive gift. Vibrators should only be given to women you’ve already had sex with, preferably right before the first Thursday of the NCAA tournament so they have something to do with themselves.

Sadly, a New York man was not familiar with this rule, and he bought one of his co-workers a vibrator for her birthday. He was her boss. Now, he’s getting sued — because that’s what happens when you are the idiot who buys a vibrator for a woman you work with…

The New York Post has this recent example of what not to do at work:

A Queens woman told her boss to take this job and shove it when he gave her a vibrating dildo for her birthday after months of sexually suggestive comments and unwanted come-ons, according to a lawsuit…

“Usually, I get a cake for my employees,” [Silvia Olveira], 34, said he told her. “When I opened it, I saw this thing. I was like, what is this? I didn’t know what to do in that moment. I went outside and took the bag and threw it in the garbage. I called him and said, ‘Don’t do that anymore.’ He said, ‘Come on, girl. You don’t know how to enjoy your life.’ “

Honestly, what did the boss, Ibrahim Mansi, think she was going to say? The Post says that he had been pursuing her for months to no avail. Did he somehow think that a dick in a box would finally win her? “Oh, Ibrahim, I thought you were a sketchy perv that I had to put up with at work, but now that you’ve given me something much more effective than anything you’re packing, I think we should go out for drinks.” I don’t know if this guy is just a tool or if he’s a developmentally disabled tool.

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Meanwhile, speaking of tools, Olveira has hired an attorney to represent her in this sexual harassment matter. We’ve covered him before. The guy’s name is Matthew Blit. Blit represented the plaintiff in the Eddy Curry sexual harassment case — you remember, the one where Curry allegedly told the plaintiff, “Come touch it, Dave” (in reference to his penis).

I mentioned Blit’s bio in that earlier post, but it bears repeating (even though it hasn’t changed in two years). Here’s the pertinent part, directly from his website:

Matthew, a former defense attorney with one of the world’s largest defense firms, has successfully litigated numerous high profile Federal and State Court matters. Matthew is highly regarded for his efforts against workplace discrimination. His deposition and trial skills have crushed the top executives of some of New York’s most powerful companies. Most impressive is Matthew’s closing statements during trial. Attorneys unassociated with the firm and his cases come to watch his prestige and ability to capture a jury.

I bet Matt Blit has never given a woman a vibrator. He just stands in a room and allows them to orgasm off his prestige.

Birthday suit: Gal miffed over vibrator gift [New York Post]

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Earlier: Lawsuit of the Day: Hired Help v. Eddy Curry