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Elie's Vacation Memo: Time To Turn Over a New Leaf (And Try Not To Smoke It)

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As regular readers know, this is usually the time of year I go to Vegas, blow my bonus, and come back to work a week later angrier than ever.

Well, this year, it’s going to be different. Oh, don’t worry, when I return to Above the Law’s pages on March 14th, I’m sure I’ll be all kinds of pissed off. It just won’t be because a security guard prevented me from committing suicide by MGM lion enclosure.

No, for my vacation — which begins now and ends a week from this coming Monday, in case you’re wondering — I am going to start the process of quitting smoking….

I didn’t want to have my first awful week of quitting be during a regular work week, because frankly if I had to deal with some of you people in a smoke-free context I’d be in jail for manslaughter. But I figure if I can get one nicotine free week (or even a greatly nicotine “reduced” week; I’m up to a pack and a half a day right now) under my belt, I’ll have a fighting chance to build momentum before I see you guys again. I’ve never even attempted to quit smoking before, so aside from failure and sadness I really have no idea how I’ll react to the process.

I’m telling you all of this because my doctor told me to tell you; he said you should tell “as many people as possible” and I was all like “as possible”? And then he said “getting grief will be good for you on this,” and I said “yeah, but this isn’t normal grief, this is like anal rape grief.” But then he said, “Oh, that reminds me,” and then he grabbed a bottle of K-Y, and I don’t remember anything after that.

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While I’m off trying to find a non-phallic way to satisfy my oral fixation and staving off thoughts of suicide (I’m taking Chantix), I leave you in the healthy hands of David Lat. Good times, and good news, are sure to be had by all. Lat’s flying solo, so be sure to send in your story ideas to tips@abovethelaw.com or text them to 646-820-TIPS (646-820-8477).

Catch you on the flip side, wish me luck.

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