You’re tired of him. I’m tired of him. Even Juggalo is tired of him.

I get it. Believe me, if Liam Neeson’s second cousin’s dogwalker so much as had gotten a parking ticket this week, I would have snapped that juicy news item up for Fame Brief. But alas, as your faithful celebrity news correspondent, I must deliver to you yet another Charlie Sheen post. Last one, I promise.*

In an inevitable move to cash-in on his enhanced celebrity, Charlie applied for trademarks on 22 of his now-passé catchphrases, including Adonis DNA, Tiger Blood, Rock Star from Mars and other mania-induced gems. Luckily still available: SmallLaw Total Bitchin’ Rock Star from Mars….

The New York Daily News has the full scoop:

A pair of applications cover the title of the actor’s current stage show, seeking protection for the phrases “Violent Torpedo of Truth” and “Defeat is Not an Option.”

Records show Hyro-gliff, a California company formed last month, filed trademark applications between March 19 and 22. In filings the company lists its address as the offices of Sheen’s attorney, Marty Singer, who is pursuing a $100 million lawsuit against Warner Bros. and “Men” creator Chuck Lorre.

The company also applied to trademark Sheen’s name and signature, as well as his nicknames for his home (Sober Valley Lodge) and his girlfriends (Sheen’s Goddesses.)

Apparently faced with plummeting profits because of his $1 per ticket donations to Japan relief from ticket sales of his smash shit traveling minstrel show, Charlie may be moving on to his next business venture: merchandising. A savvy move, if you ask me, because insta-celebrity needs to be monetized, stat. Case in point: the Chilean Miners were so busy requesting pictures of Elvis and planning their media tour that they completely forgot to trademark “Chilean Miners” and plaster it all over hardhats, Oakleys, authentic pieces of rock taken from the mine, and ceramic thimbles. And look what happened — they went from being the Halloween costume of 2010 to forgotten has-beens by April 2011. They don’t even have an official Twitter account. Sad.

Anyhow, Charlie may already be too late to the game on some of his trademark applications. Jimmy Buffet heard “Tiger Blood” and practically ran to the USPTO in flip-flops to cash in on that daiquiri-in-waiting:

There’s already plenty of competition for Sheen-isms. Two other people sought to trademark “Adonis DNA” before Sheen, listing potential uses on clothing and as a nutritional supplement. Thirteen others, including Jimmy Buffett’s company, have sought to trademark “Tiger Blood” for use on nutritional and alcoholic drinks.

And that certainly won’t be the end of it. Just wait until Dan Brown gets wind of Sheen’s attempted trademark on Vatican Assassin.

Charlie’s spokesman isn’t saying how, exactly, he plans to use the trademarks, if granted, but the application seeks protection for “bras, drinks, electronic games, candy and even gambling machines.” Of course, some of the branding opportunities go without saying: Sheen’s Goddesses underage ID scanners, Rock Star from Mars commemorative moon landing photos, Adonis DNA paternity tests, Sober Valley Lodge shot glasses, and Violent Torpedo of Truth parenting handbooks.

The problem with all of this is that by the time the factories have pumped out Defeat is Not an Option Chinese finger-traps, the Charlie Sheen craze will be over, and America will have returned to focusing on its rightful overlords, the Kardashians.

So, will Sheen win the trademarks? And if so, will you buy his crap?

* In Narnia™.


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