Job Searches, Law Schools, New Jersey, Small Law Firms

Today’s Terrible Jobs Have A ‘Do It Yourself’ Feel

You have the tools to build your own life.

Another day, and another round-up of terrible job opportunities available to J.D. holders. I think it’s important to continue bringing these jobs to your attention. I think it’s important to have a place on the web where people can go to answer the question: Why is it a big deal if Indiana Tech opens another law school? Somebody needs to keep an eye on what future graduates from such institutions will be doing for a living.

Today we’ve got two God-awful job opportunities. As we’ve said repeatedly, you can’t get on our radar as a terrible job unless you are offering something more interesting than low pay for overqualified individuals (though offering a Depression era hourly wage is always a good start).

Check out these two jobs, which add the insult to injury that unemployed J.D. holders are really looking for…

Our first job comes out of Chicago. It pays more than some federal government positions, but the wages will barely keep a person in Ramen noodles.

The real issue with this job is trying to find the person who possesses all the required skills yet is too much of a chicken to go off and start his or her own practice. The job has been removed from Craigslist, but a tipster saved the text. If you think you qualify for this position, stop being such a freaking coward and go hang your own shingle:

Small law firm, specializing in foreclosure defense and debt collections seeking a skilled, licensed and dedicated attorney to work in fast paced environment in downtown Chicago. Hours will vary but generally will require 8-8 M-F and two full weekends per month. Candidate should be a natural rainmaker with an excellent professional network.

Candidate will have to work off own laptop in our office. Laptop needs wi-fi connection and candidate should have their own broadband card. Candidate should also have working knowledge of wireless internet. We prefer candidates with an active Westlaw or Lexis-Nexis account. Spanish fluency is also preferred. Job may require travel to collar counties, thus candidate must have a car.

Pay starts at $11/hour, and after 6 months of satisfactory work, we will pay for parking and increase your compensation to $12/hour. No additional benefits available. Prefer top 10% and law review. Please include LSAT score and class rank. Please cut and paste your resume, along with a letter of interest, into the body of the e-mail.

If you finished in the top 10% of your class and made law review, have a laptop and internet access, have a Westlaw or Lexis account that you are willing to misappropriate for personal business use, have a car, and are a “natural rainmaker,” then why in God’s name would you be working for $11 an hour? Just think about that for a second. You are, almost by definition, a terrible rainmaker if you really can’t earn better than $11 per hour for yourself. If your rainmaking “skills” lead you to this job, you should nickname yourself “The Human Drought,” and go dancing on the Mississippi for tips until the floodwaters subside.

As for the rest of these requirements, the next time somebody says “but it’s worth it to go to [insert dubious law school] as long as I finish in the top 10% and make law review,” I just want you to send them this post. After that, they’re on their own.

What happens if you don’t finish near the top of your class? Well, you’ll probably start looking at “opportunities” like this one, posted on Symplicity at Seton Hall Law. It’s not directly targeted at law students, but they are welcome to apply. I guess Seton Hall is thinking that this is better than having students end up unemployed over the summer:

NOW HIRING LODGING, ECO-TOURISM, AND OUTDOOR RECREATION INTERNS, STUDENTS, GRADUATES, OR CURRENTLY EMPLOYED PROFESSIONALS, FULL OR PART TIME

Where: Laurel Pond Luxury Wilderness Lodges and RV Ultra Sites in Central New Jersey next to Six Flags

About Laurel Pond: We are a brand new luxury (we are just finishing our second year of operations) outdoor eco-Lodging property.

Job Description: We are looking for College Students and/or Graduates that have a strong interest in the lodging industry, ecotourism, and outdoor recreation. The right candidate must be self-motivated, have proven communication, leadership, organizational, and time management skills and be interested in assisting with all of the property management and customer service operations of this type of outdoor recreation themed/lodging facility. A love of outdoor recreation and nature is a strong plus!

Compensation: Compensation good (based on competitive rates depending upon your skill levels).

General Tasks:

Assist with operations, management support, and front hotel office operations
Written and oral communication among guests, staff, and property owners
Coordinating front office and other property business activities
Utilizing computer software and online resources
Handling guest services
Contact Info: If you would like more information about Laurel Pond please visit our website at www.laurelpond.com.

Eco-tourism in New Jersey? Did somebody make a national park out of a landfill and not tell me?

Sorry, I kid the Garden State because David PaTTTerson isn’t around to do it for me, but I’m sure this job is a really good opportunity for a law student who needs something to do this summer. Let’s list the pros and cons:

PROS:

  • Outdoors.
  • Close to a Six Flags.
  • Almost positive that Jersey emits fewer millisieverts than Fukushima Daiichi.
  • Excellent preparation for future of living in a van down by the river.

CONS:

  • Eco-tourists more insufferable than average hippies.
  • Must entertain guests each night with “spooky” stories about your own failures.
  • That rash might not clear up before Fall OCI.
  • Must use summer associate rejection letters as toilet paper.

I don’t know, Seton Hall kids, it seems that if you have the desire to spend your summer outdoors being one with nature, you should be able to do it without answering to a little bell that quests ring every time the toilet uses too much water to flush.

I think that the lesson of both these jobs is: if you really want to go do these things, go do these things for yourself — not for someone else. It’s still a free country. Work for you, not for them.

Earlier: Going To A Top-Flight Law School Can Land You A Sweet Babysitting Gig
Would You Work as a Federal Prosecutor — for Free?

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