What do you get when you combine pig products, a sketchy guy in a mustache, and death metal? One colossally horrendous law firm commercial.

The folks at Hamilton Law in Las Vegas were presumably late to the domain-name-grabbing game and had to settle for being called “ham legal.” Rather than fight their unfortunate web address, the firm has apparently opted to embrace it and go whole hog into swine-themed advertising.

If you’ve ever wondered what a pig-centric legal commercial looks like, you’re in luck. The answer is a bad Saturday Night Live skit with a voice-over by a circa mid-2000s Jack Black promoting Tenacious D. Check out the horror, after the jump….

Ladies and gentlemen, without further ado, here is (hopefully) one of the worst legal commercials you will ever see:

Now, let’s break down the elements that help launch this ad into its own sphere of ridiculousness.

First, this guy:

Since Hamilton Law’s website doesn’t profile its attorneys, there’s no way to tell if this guy is actually a Hamilton lawyer. The better bet (this is Vegas, after all) is that he’s a holdover from the mattress discounter who rented the space to film a commercial the hour before. Being paid to throw pork products at another human being while laughing and saying “bacon, baby, bacon” doesn’t seem like such a bad gig. And it looks great on the résumé.

Next, we have the star of our commercial. Again, we can’t verify whether he’s actually a lawyer, but the glasses and large red book are telltale signs that he must be. The real money shot of his performance comes when he gets to sprawl across the desk and perform a spanking motion with a package of bacon.

After watching the commercial far too many times, I feel like I need a hot shower and several glasses of scotch to erase the disturbing image from my brain.

Then we have the all important mood change. Our spanker has had enough of being bombarded with bacon and gets serious for almost ten whole seconds while an emotional piano interlude plays in the background. Hamilton Law isn’t all fun and games. The rights of the injured are important.

Thankfully, this downer portion of the commercial is soon over and we get to end on a classy note. Hearkening back to that golden age of music that was 80s hair metal, someone screeches “Choose Hamilton Law and bring home bacaaaaahhhhn,” while shredding an electric guitar.

And then comes the crowning glory of the entire commercial: “The Ham,” pink and presumably made of actual ham, explodes.

It’s so metal your brain will melt.

The commercial leaves me with no idea what Hamilton Law actually does, but I don’t really care. I mean, there’s exploding ham. (Incidentally, the answer is bankruptcy, medical device litigation, and traffic tickets, but really, does it matter?)

Now that’s how you do a truly craptastic commercial. I give Hamilton Law an A+ for effort.

To all the small law firms out there that are considering creative advertising: the gauntlet has been thrown. Just try to top exploding ham. I dare you.


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