The University of Cincinnati College of Law is not dealing with theft (that we know of), but it seems the school had a serious fridge funk problem. Luckily, one intrepid student was there to conquer the challenge and email his fellow students about his Odyssian adventure (his e-mail also approaches Odyssian length):
Gentle Citizens of the Law School,
I write you with glorious news: I have cleaned the refrigerator in the cafeteria. Now, before you take to the streets in celebration — overturning emergency vehicles and breaking windows — let me tell you the tale.
First, normally before the fridge is cleaned out, some form of notice is given. This time, however, that did not happen. That is because I did it on a whim. Some of you may question whether a sane person would clean a public refrigerator on a whim, and rightfully so, but that is what happened.
Second, my battle with the fridge was not without casualties. I survived, but many of your lunches, if you can call old, rotten food a lunch, did not. I threw away any old take-out leftovers. Gone are shriveled fruits and dried out rice. Emptied are containers of moldy dishes that once may have been delicious, but now are victims to the Rot. Some of you may have even lost a re-usable container. But take comfort in this, the only containers to lose their lives were re-usable ziploc or glad containers of– since they are so cheap. If you had a rubbermaid container or in the rarest of cases, a pyrex dish, they live on; they await you in the cafeteria still coated with whatever the Rot did not see fit to take with it into the Void (read: trashcan with a black bag). Also, no utensils were lost in the fray, they too wait for their owners. I was also able to save the lives of a few bags and lunch pails. All of them, my friends, wait for you on the Island of the Cafeteria. Let me warn you, however, if you cannot rescue these survivors soon, they too will fall into the Void.
On a brighter note, no one whose food was still good, at least as far as I could tell, will find their noshings lost or wounded. It’s all back in the fridge.
I was fortunate during my battle to defeat the Funk (credit: [redacted] for the aptly named smell that emanated, like a penumbra, from the fridge). I extracted from the fridge all shelves and drawers and waged a campaign of cleanly proportions upon the various substances populating the refrigerator’s interior. The effort was a success and the Funk has mostly dissipated. Although whether it is completely gone I cannot say, my most severe injury from this battle was the loss of my sense of smell.
If you are angry with me for tossing one of your beloved lunches or re-usable containers, I understand your pain. It is difficult to lose a comrade, or as the Japanese say, a nakama. However, it was all for the greater good. Though, if you feel as though you must seek redress in our justice system, let me say this, I doubt any court of law will find that you have a protectable property interest in rotted food housed in a small ziploc container. Also, if you left it in the fridge long enough for your food to spawn new life, then you likely would be considered to have abandoned your property.
So, dear friends, that is the tale of how I conquered the Funk, exorcised the Rot, and filled the Void. I hope you all enjoyed the email and will, in the future, not leave your nakama behind to fester in the refrigerator.
[2L] the Conqueror
And we travel to upstate New York, where for some reason students feel compelled to steal Lean Cuisines…