John Edwards, Politics, Sex, Sex Scandals, Trials

Fifty Shades of John Edwards

I really don't want to know what John Edwards is smiling at.

First, let me give you the usual warning: this is a post about John Edwards. It will be safe for work, but I still urge you to wear a prophylactic over your eyes to protect you from getting some kind of icky John Edwards disease.

The John Edwards trial is underway and, sorry, I still can’t believe that I voted for this person for Vice President. The prosecution’s “star” witness, former aide Andrew Young, has been on the stand making Edwards look like even more of a cheating liar, if that’s even possible.

Not that any of this really should be going on. Right? We shouldn’t really be prosecuting a man for having an affair on his cancer-stricken wife while he was running for president. This campaign misappropriation claim is a farce.

But Jesus, don’t you just want this slick-talking lout to get punished for something…

Yesterday, Andrew Young testified to Edwards’s super-classy reaction to the information that his mistress, Rielle Hunter, was pregnant with his baby:

Andrew Young, former aide to John Edwards, alleged on Tuesday that the former presidential candidate called Rielle Hunter a “crazy slut” when he learned she was potentially pregnant with his love child.

According to Young, Edwards said at the time that there was a 1-in-3 chance that the baby was his.

I’m sure in that slow, Southern drawl “crazy slut” sounds way nicer. Lemme try it: “I do declare that Ms. Hunter sure is one crazy slut. I’d reckon there’s only a one in three score chance I’m even the Daddy.”

Granted, Young isn’t the most credible witness. While he at one time claimed he was Hunter’s baby daddy, he’s since made a lot of money off of his Edwards tell-all book.

Of course, Young isn’t testifying on Jerry Springer or even the Today Show. He’s in a court of law talking about how Edwards paid his mistress hush money. When last I checked, paying a woman money to keep quiet about your illegitimate child wasn’t a crime. People forget that Edwards is in court because prosecutors allege that he used campaign contributions for a personal purpose.

But, that’s slicing it a little thin, isn’t it? Edwards claims he was using personal gifts for personal purposes. And there’s the obvious point: paying off your mistress to keep quiet is most definitely a campaign expense if you’re a dirty man-whore who can’t keep it in your pants. Hell, I’m a Democrat; I could argue that we should have spent tax dollars to get Monica Lewinsky a thorough dry cleaning service. From Politico:

Campaign contributions may not be used for personal use, “so you’re prohibited from using your campaign account to pay off your mistress,” [Melanie Sloan, executive director of Citizens for Responsibility and Ethics,] said. “You can’t have it both ways: You can’t say you’d be prosecuted if you used your campaign funds to pay a mistress and then say you should have reported paying off a mistress because it was a campaign expense.”

Sloane said the case is creating further uncertainty in a campaign finance world already plagued with plenty of problems.

“I think everybody just wants to get John Edwards because he’s horrible — and he is — but that doesn’t make it a crime,” she said.

We always get back to that, don’t we? The horribleness of John Edwards.

It’s a pity Edwards wasn’t operating in a post-Citizens United world. Then Edwards could have set up the “Bitch Be Cool SuperPac.” As long as it was run by his penis, nobody would accuse it of coordinating with his brain.

Andrew Young: John Edwards Called Rielle Hunter A ‘Crazy Slut’ [Huffington Post]
Legal experts question theory of Edwards case [Politico]

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