SPOILER ALERT! This post is significantly more scary than anything that happened in Prometheus.
Here’s a question for all you fantasy tort lawyers out there: what do you do if you own a possessed urinal? Is your duty of care lessened if you can established that your property is demonically possessed? Seriously, at what point does an evil toilet become an intervening factor that supersedes any alleged negligence on the part of a defendant?
All these questions and more might be answered in the case of Dejoie v. Arby’s. Kenneth Dejoie claims that a urinal at a Colorado Arby’s burned his genitals. Frankly, that’s at least as scary as an alien that has acid for blood….
I had to read this paragraph on the Huffington Post a couple of times before I could fully appreciate the horror of what I was reading:
According to a recently filed complaint in El Paso County Court, a man urinating at the Arby’s restaurant in Monument, Colorado, claims a “jet of steam” shot out of the urinal and burned his genitals.
For the ladies in the audience, let me emphasize that a urinal is not a bidet. Nobody would expect a urinal to act as a bidet, and the last thing on any man’s mind while standing at a urinal would be for it to start shooting superheated steam at his testicles. That’s not an experience anybody is prepared for.
Except perhaps the other employees at Arby’s. From the complaint:
Excuse me? You’re having this problem “again”? How can that be? How can there be an “again” to the problem of the urinal shooting superheated steam at people’s genitals? The only way that conversation should go if it includes the word “again”:
CUSTOMER: HOLY S**T, the urinal shot hot water at my genitals. It burns, it burns!
EMPLOYEE: Damnit. Johnny, call Father Merrin again. Tell him this time we’ll pay to get the whole property exorcised.
Even if we accept the employee’s alleged scientific reaction, how can you run a restaurant where the urinals attack people every time you use the sink? One would imagine (or at least hope) that the sink is in use fairly consistently.
I scanned the complaint hoping against hope that I wouldn’t see the inevitable loss of consortium claim. But it’s there. Allegedly, there’s a urinal out there that burns your balls so much that you can’t even have sex. You don’t have to go to the movies to see real terror, folks.