Lawsuit of the Day, Masturbation, Nauseating Things, Sex, Sexism, Sexual Harassment

Lawsuits of the Day: Ewwww. OMG, OMG. Gross.

Kelsey Meeks Duncan

Kelsey Meeks Duncan allegedly encountered quite possibly the foulest working environment I have heard of in a long time. Stories like hers honestly make me glad to be a male, simply because I would not be able to deal with this crap if I were a woman.

According to the allegations in her lawsuit, things started to get weird for Duncan in 2011, when small white spots began to appear on a dress she had hung on her office door. Shortly thereafter, she discovered “a small, half-dollar sized, white, creamy looking spot” on her desk chair. The mystery stains continued appearing, until, in August of last year, she realized the front of the dress was “literally covered in creamy, white iridescent stains. The stains were overlapping and nearly cover the entire front of the dress.”

Duncan’s coworker finally said what no one wanted to hear: “she thought the stains looked like semen.” Things kept getting worse at work, Duncan continued getting more distressed, and the visual descriptions in the lawsuit continued getting more graphic, until we finally arrived at the thrilling climax of Duncan’s ordeal (you can read the whole suit in this PDF):

Keith Magness

OH MY GOD. I haven’t felt my skin crawl like this since I watched Rosemary’s Baby. Just, iiiick. The complaint says when Duncan learned what happened, she became physically ill, and I totally believe that. I apologize on behalf of my entire gender. (She now appears to have a new job at another firm. Here is Kelsey Duncan’s firm bio.)

The lawsuit says Magness was fired and arrested after this all happened. For what it’s worth, he is still a member in good standing of the Louisiana bar, and he appears to still be practicing law. He is also a former Secret Service member. What is up with the Secret Service lately? (Here is the website for Keith Magness’s solo practice.)

Remember Monica Lewinsky's infamous blue dress?

The suit reads pretty fast, but I would not recommend reading it right before lunch. It also might make you feel better about your job, no matter how bad it is. Because at least your managing partner, as much of a jerk as he might be, is hopefully not masturbating on your clothes and onto your desk… and onto your carpet… and onto your chair.

Now if you will excuse me, I am going to go rinse off.

Kelsey Meeks Duncan v. Keith L. Magness [24th Judicial Circuit, for the Parish of Jefferson, Louisiana]
Erection treatment leads Brockton man to sue hospital [Patriot Ledger]

Earlier: Lawsuit of the Day: Yet Another Woman Claims She Was Fired for Being ‘Too Hot’

(hidden for your protection)

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45 Responses to “Lawsuits of the Day: Ewwww. OMG, OMG. Gross.”

  1. Grimes says:

    “I just want to write the post and then take a cold shower…”

    What IS wrong with you?

  2. guest says:

    Do you typically join the carrier as a defendant as well?  

  3. At 8:29 yesterday morning, a CBS affiliate in Boston posted an ATL-worthy story on a firm offering a $10,000 salary… the firm received dozens of applications. The newspaper ran the numbers and pointed out it’s less than minimum wage.

    A day later, Drudge picked up on it.

    Maybe Above The Law will discover yesterday’s news tomorrow.

  4. Guest says:

    This is the most disgusting and reprehensible work environment I have ever heard of.  A woman being forced to sit in, on, and around an undesired, uninvited man’s seminal fluids in her own office and on her clothes really is the worst thing I’ve ever heard happen to a woman associate at any firm.  That would be moral turpitude.

    • guest says:

      I’m guessing that you don’t take the subway to work…

    • Guesticles says:

       Hey now, no one forced the Tulane grad to do anything.  She willingly sat on that chair, just like she willingly worked at that desk, walked on that carpet, and opened that door.  There are all sorts of nasty things that have been done around offices in New Orleans.  But can learning about something after the fact really be characterized as stalking or intimidation?  

    • Commenter1789 says:

       Take a look at the Jenson v. Eveleth Taconite case from Minnesota — subject of a good book (Class Action) and a so-so movie (North Country) — at least one male miner masturbated into the women’s lockers, all over their regular clothes while the female miners were working on their shifts.

  5. jqning says:

    Solo practice.  Get it?

    • Guest says:

      Will he make a FIRM appearance?

    • guest9999999 says:

      “we have a suit filed by a female Tulane Law grad . . . that is so unsettling, I don’t even feel comfortable making jokes about it.”
      Not to worry, Chris, that’s what we’re here for.

      1. I wonder if the answer to the complaint begins, “Now cums the defendant . . . .”

      2. “For what it’s worth, he is still a member in good standing of the Louisiana bar . . .”
      For the sake of that Louisiana bar, I hope his member isn’t still standing.

  6. Mr. Clean says:

    let’s look at the positive: the Tulane associate seems to be a nice, legitimately horrified lawyer and I hope she cleans–uh, wipes–uh, takes Keith for everything he has left.  Keith, however gross he may be, at least didn’t bother waiting at an ER. But I assume he’ll have problems getting a date from now on.

  7. Guest says:



    PLEASE INCLUDE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  8. Adam Kaiser says:

    Keith Magness should be able to act however he wants to associates.

    • Not Adam Kaiser says:

      If we re-arrange some of the letters in the phrase “Keith Magness,
      Masturbater,” and get rid of some of the other letters, and then add in an
      extra “d,” we’re left with “Adam Kaiser.”   I think Lat is trying to tell us
      something here.

  9. Billybatts says:

    After a story like this, the Commentariat expects an appropriate BikeDude installment.  Just saying.

  10. Guest says:

    Is this fuck nut single?? If so, why?!

  11. Guessed says:

    Oh, I get it.  It was wrong because it wasn’t his dress.

  12. Shawn says:

    While a wait in the ER is frequently expected, priapism is somewhat of a medical emergency in that if it’s not treated in a timely manner, permanent damage can be done. So, if the events are as the plaintiff states them, it was probably unreasonable of the ER staff to delay treatment.

  13. Guest says:


  14. Wadely says:

    These posts are proof that Bankers are way wittier than than lawyers. 

  15. That’s one way to got latin honors.

  16. Mr. Clean says:

    Keith’s Defense–: “I couldn’t wait for the ER.”
    Dry cleaning sign–: “We Clean Even Keith’s Messes.”
    The Judge in Keith’s cases–: ” “This is a sticky one.”
    The ER sign: “If Keith had stopped here, he’d be a Lawyer today.”

  17. Guest says:

    She is wearing a pearl necklace in her photo.

  18. guest says:

    Presidents (in my high school) used to leave stains on dresses all the time, it was no big deal. . . . 

  19. Meh says:

    Really? Nobody’s picked up yet on the fact that Kelsey graduated magna cum laude from Tulane Law?

  20. Confused says:

    Penial dysfunction and a functional dickhead. Say, did she at least give him the dress?

  21. Guest says:

    She is suing the wanker and wanker’s insurance company.  I would love to see the clause in the insurance policy that covers what this guy did.

  22. Mr. Clean says:

    it wasn’t expected or intended, at least not the first few times

  23. Guest says:

    It’s a shame they had to let go of such a spunky young associate

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