For those of you wondering where I’ve been the past few months, I took some time out to light my house on fire and fake my own death in court. It’s good to be back.
Unless you’ve been living in a volcano for 36 billion years, you’ve heard that Katie Holmes ascended the Bridge to Total Freedom last Friday by “blindsiding” Tom Cruise with divorce papers after five years of sham marriage. Bookies in Vegas no doubt saw this coming, given his marriage record and the fact that everyone claims to know someone who’s worked for him who says he’s totally gay. But unlike the rumors that dogged his last divorce (Nicole was apparently slated to receive a huge chunk of change under her prenup if they made it to ten years, so he divorced her after nine), this time the rumors center around Scientology…
Apparently it wasn’t Tom’s deeply troubling homage to Axl Rose in Rock of Ages that drove her to file, but his desire to ship off Suri, the product of the one time six years ago when Tom reenacted the underwear scene from Risky Business and accidentally bumped into Katie, for advance Battleship Earth indoctrination.
The final straw in Katie Holmes’ decision to file for divorce was that she was convinced Tom Cruise was going to send 6-year-old Suri away to a hardcore Scientology organization known as Sea Organization … sources connected with Katie tell TMZ.
Sea Org, as it is known, is where the highest levels of Scientology are taught — and according to the Church website, it is composed of adults and minors who have committed their lives to the volunteer service of their religion. Our sources say Tom is a big fan.
Putting aside the fact that Scientology is absolutely insane and terrifying, plenty of parents fight about what programs to send their kids to. For instance, my parents disagreed about whether I should fence or take jazz dance, and they’re still together. But the slight difference here is that Sea Org is for the next billion years.
According to the official Scientology website, members of Sea Org sign “a one-billion-year pledge to symbolize their eternal commitment to the religion and it is still signed by all members today.”
This begs the question of whether a billion year contract is even enforceable or whether it’s more like a tattoo of someone else’s name — inked in good faith, but easily lasered off in six sessions. Arguably, Katie knew or should have known EXACTLY what planetarium sh*t she was getting herself into when she agreed to marry Tom. He was jumping on couches and arguing with Matt Lauer about vitamin drips and Nazi psychiatrists before they even wed, and it was therefore totally foreseeable that six years later he’d try to conscript their daughter into slavery to “clear” the world of the effects of an evil intergalactic overlord. This stuff is 1L Contracts. Check your hornbooks.
In any event, the point is moot, and not just because Katie filed for sole custody. The Church of Scientology says Suri’s not eligible to join the Sea Org until she turns 16, and even then, it requires the consent of both parents.
Good thing she’s eligible to receive child support until she’s 18.