Okay, we can all stop worrying. Lindsay Lohan’s new attorney Mark Heller is pretty sure he knows how to “fix” the actress and he’s written a letter to the prosecutors extolling his power to succeed where all others have failed. And it involves establishing the “Lindsay Lohan Foundation.” I’m eagerly awaiting the mission statement for that organization.

The judge is not pleased with Heller’s letter. The exact term used in reports of the judge’s reaction is “pissed.” Pissing off the judge within the first month on the case. Hey, Lindsay, maybe Heller isn’t the best choice for representation. I mean, who is this guy?

Mark Heller’s decades-long legal career is described by observers as publicity-seeking and erratic.

Oh, wait. So maybe this is actually a match made in Heaven to work with LiLo….

This letter snafu is not the first misstep for Heller, who only recently joined LiLo’s legal team, and has already botched a Miranda argument. At least he hasn’t gotten sanctioned like her attorney in the Pitbull case. Yet.

But how do you sum up the career of Lohan’s latest attorney? The New York Times gives it a go:

Even within the colorful, eccentric, sometimes disreputable and profane galaxy that is the New York City bar, Mr. Heller stands out for the severe thrashings he has endured and his audacious aspirations for high-profile work. He has been disparaged and roundly dressed down by clients and judges alike, called a “menace to the public,” “shockingly cavalier and abusive” and rife with “puffery” by a disciplinary panel that recommended his five-year suspension in the mid-1990s. Opposing counsel has been known to quietly suggest that his clients consider finding a new lawyer. Among his most outspoken fans is a serial killer.

The serial killer in question is David Berkowitz, the notorious “Son of Sam,” whom Heller briefly represented as a young lawyer. Heller has corresponded with Berkowitz in the years since the case. At least these days, Berkowitz is talking to lawyers instead of dogs.

Heller represented Jon Gosselin (or tried to) during his divorce and the associated TV contract issues it created. Heller’s role in the case was characteristically warm and fuzzy:

At the same time, Discovery Talent Services, which represents the TLC network and “Jon & Kate,” sued Mr. Gosselin in Maryland for breach of contract. Edward Sabin, chief operating officer of TLC, testified at a hearing on a motion for a preliminary injunction against Mr. Gosselin in Circuit Court in Montgomery County, Md., on Dec. 10 that Mr. Heller screamed at a TLC lawyer — “shook her up quite a bit, and hung up on her eventually.” Later, when Mr. Sabin rejected Mr. Heller’s request for Mr. Gosselin to appear on the E! Entertainment network for a “tell-all interview,” Mr. Sabin said that Mr. Heller responded “explosively.”

“I’m going to embarrass you! You’re going to regret this!” he recalled Mr. Heller shouting.

And now, Mark Heller is riding in to save the day for LiLo. It seems like an odd hire for a woman battling a parallel public relations war to adopt, as a public face, a lawyer described as a “menace to the public.”

But maybe she’s just owning her image.

Outrageous Letter to Prosecutor “WE CAN FIX HER” [TMZ]
Mark Heller, Esq. [New York Times]

Earlier: Non-Sequiturs 02.26.13
Non-Sequiturs 02.22.13


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