Football, Sports

Michael Jordan’s Hitler Mustache Can’t Ruin The NCAA Tournament

I’m currently watching the NCAA tournament (Elie Note: I went to school in Boston, well, not IN Boston!) and absentmindedly typed an entire introduction for a post based on the paternity suit filed against Michael Jordan. To give you a peek behind the creative curtain, I started with a Smiths quote (“I am the son, and the heir…”), discussed the Sports Illustrated article that gave us Shawn Kemp’s three dozen children, and managed to even cobble together a joke that traveled from Heir Jordan to Herr Jordan to Michael Jordan’s Hitler mustache. I was particularly proud of that one.

Well, wouldn’t you know it, but that very lawsuit was covered at length by our own Staci Zaretsky a few weeks ago. At any rate, the lawsuit against Jordan was dismissed this week but you wouldn’t and shouldn’t care about any of that. Seriously, though, that introduction was dope as hell.

So I’m currently watching the NCAA tournament. I might have mentioned this. And if you think that I’ll be able to focus on this post about the intersection of sports and law and whatever else I care to mention (The Smiths!), you’re a stone cold dummy. So as a testament to your humble sports columnist’s devotion to, well, sports, this week’s offering will be a bit more scattershot and blessedly short.

VCU-Akron just tipped and Akron looks scared. Let’s talk sports…

ACID KILLS SUEDE DEAD

Washington Redskins tight end Fred Davis is being sued by a woman who claims that he threw a bottle at her. Pretty standard athlete misbehavior. What distinguishes Davis’s plight is the word “pimpette,” a claim that Redskins players are jealous of their more distinguished counterparts on the Ravens, and the quote “My boots, which were suede, were damaged by the acid in the juice.”

Oh, and there’s this video of the incident:

And you go home and you cry and you want to die.

GIVE ME A ‘P’! GIVE ME A ‘NIS’!

Here’s how an avalanche of anecdotes can mislead. If one simply read the newspaper, one would believe that every mildly attractive woman in the United States was statutorily raping boy children. One would be wrong, of course, as only half of old women are rapists in this manner.

The latest woman accused of diddling a boy is this woman:

She was a cheerleader for the Tennessee Titans. Her defense is that she was drunk and thought the 12-year-old boy she propositioned and fondled was another man. Reached for comment, the 12-year-old boy furiously masturbated to the memory.

ROOOOOLANDOOOOO

A teacher at my high school had a license plate that read, simply, “Rolando.” It was a tribute to one of the finest Kansas State basketball players of all time, Rolando Blackman. The dorky white guy who rode around in the LeBaron with the ineffably smooth license plate will be dismayed to learn that Rolando Blackman has been sued by a former NFL player, someone named Nate Jones, for fraud. Specifically, for fraud related to an imaginary gold mine in Africa. Think of the lawsuit as a Nigerian prince’s email IRL. Except the Nigerian prince is Rolando Blackman and your grandma is a former NFL player.

The part of the lawsuit that is curious is the claim that drew the mark’s money to the scam. It is alleged that Blackman promised… wait for it… a four percent return on Jones’s investment. Which suggests that not only should you be wary of an offer that sounds too good to be true. You should also limit your exposure to offers that sound too mundane to be made up.

RAP SHEET ROLL CALL

* Mark “Super” Duper stands accused of beating the s**t out of his 17-year-old son. The one thing I’ll always remember about Duper is his Tecmo Bowl greatness. The one thing his son will always remember is the time he beat him up.

* Chicago Bears tight end Evan Rodriguez was arrested for resisting arrest. Which is a very confusing sentence now that I look at it.

* Jennifer Capriati was charged with stalking and battery after allegedly punching her ex-boyfriend in the chest. VCU should be charged with battery for this pistol whipping they’re laying on Akron right now. This is getting ridiculous. Later, fellas.

The Fred Davis Nightclub Trial: Bottle Throwing and the Redskins Hating the Ravens [Big Lead]
Ex-Titans Cheerleader Charged With Sexual Battery of 12-Year-Old Boy [hypervocal]
NFL Player Sues Rolando Blackman For Running An Alleged African Gold Scam [Deadspin]

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