Tim Tebow is one of the most polarizing figures in America. And for good reason. While a good deal of America finds him to be a media-created proselytizer with the foot speed of a backup Tight End and the arm strength of a backup Tight End, the rest of America is stupid. And this is coming from someone who sported quite the Tebowner when the Broncos embarked on their unbelievable run with Tebow at the helm two years ago. It was magical. It was exhilarating. It was a tremendous run of defensive football.
There are always athletes that explain something about our culture. Our divided self is on full display every time Floyd Mayweather fights. It was on display when OJ Simpson literally got away with murder. Bird and Magic did something similar, if on a lesser scale, in the 80′s. The common thread, in case it isn’t already obvious, is that our polarizing sports figures have largely explained a black-and-white America. Our problems with race, that old American bugaboo, have often found their expression in sports. And for good reason as most men in this country pay more attention to sports than they do politics or entertainment or law or any other bullshit thing that isn’t debated on ESPN’s First Take. If men have a problem in this country, that problem will find its way into our sports.
But what of Tebow? Why do we debate him? Why do we care about a bad quarterback? Why do you care?
Why does a Jacksonville attorney care?
TIM TEBOW SEEMS NICE ENOUGH
John Morgan is an attorney based in Orlando. You can see his website here. On that website, he says he’s “for the people.” Whatever the hell that means. I guess he doesn’t represent dogs as a matter of principle.
John Morgan is apparently one of those ubiquitous lawyers who pollute the airwaves and lodge permanently in people’s skulls, their jingles and catchphrases a great source of pride for lawyers and ad men everywhere. Now, I’ve got nothing against commercials. They’re my second favorite thing on TV, next to shows. Maybe third if you include movies as a separate category. At any rate, Morgan’s penchant for throwing his ugly mug on TV to advertise his thriving personal injury practice is nothing to be ashamed of. His love of Tim Tebow, however, is enough to get a man disbarred.
Morgan’s latest advertisement, a radio spot, is a full-on legal brief in support of the Jacksonville Jaguars signing Tim Tebow. Heeeeere’s Johnny:
Let’s walk through this advertisement line by line to see if Morgan makes even one good point. Or if he’s merely trolling.
I’m John Morgan of Morgan & Morgan, and I wanna talk Tebow for one minute. Here’s the evidence. Tim Tebow played on two national championship teams.
So did Tommy Frazier. Hell, Frazier actually started on two national championship teams. Tim Tebow couldn’t carry Tommy Frazier’s jock. I’m Juggalo Law of Juggalo & Juggalo and I apparently wanna talk Tommy Frazier for one minute.
He won the Heisman as the best college player in the country and was drafted in the first round by the Denver Broncos. Somebody knew somethin’.
Gino Torretta. Also, the Denver Broncos traded Tim Tebow for a fourth-round draft pick. Somebody may have known somethin’, but it weren’t the Broncos. Not this time, at least. If you want to stake your claim on the fact that someone was a first round draft pick, I suggest you check out this list.
And after he got his only chance to start, the Broncos were 1-4 and he led them to the AFC playoffs, and beat Pittsburgh.
I’m going to allow this. As I said before, this was a great run and exciting as hell to watch. But saying Tebow led the Broncos to the playoffs that year is a bit much. Tim Tebow led the Broncos to the playoffs that year as much as their long snapper did. Or, to put it in more recent terms, he led the Broncos to the playoffs as much as Christian Ponder led the Vikings to the playoffs last year. Or insert another garbage quarterback who is blessed with a quality team. Matt Cassel made the playoffs in the same division a year before Tebow. Let that sink in.
The Jaguars are 27-42 in the last five years, one of the worst records in NFL history. And more in store for this year. We can’t even fill an entire end zone.
That is not one of the “worst records in NFL history.” I’m pretty certain Morgan just made that part up. As for the attendance smack, would you go to a game if you lived in beautiful Jacksonville? Filled with all the great Jacksonville distractions like…
Tebow is one of us. He has class, character, and he’s a winner. Let’s win, Mr. Khan. Once upon a time, so-called experts probably doubted your potential, and now look at you.
Now look at you! You brown mustachioed football team owner! Give them haters the what-for and sign Tebow stat, Mr. Khan!
Give our guy a shot. I’ll even buy that box your tried to sell me. Remember this: You can’t TiVo Tebow. Let’s do this Mr. Khan. For the people. Let’s win.
Not-so-subtle I’m-rich-troll followed by a populist platitude. I actually like this Morgan fellow. It’s hard to tell if Morgan actually believes this shit or if he just has a phenomenal instinct for garnering press. Either way, Tim Tebow has been co-opted by a master salesman. Like a Roman emperor co-opting some other… Tebow-like figure for their own good, Morgan has smartly tethered his brand to a savior. And on the third day, Tebow signed with the Montreal Alouettes.
MARIO WILLIAMS PULLS A GOLLUM
This is a classic of Torts classes everywhere. A man gives his fiance an engagement ring. The engagement does not lead to marriage and the man wants his ring back. In the eyes of the law, the outcome rests on a simple distinction: was the ring a gift or is the woman a whore? Okay, maybe it doesn’t say that and perhaps you shouldn’t offer that up in Torts or Contracts or whatever class this hypo comes up in. But that’s essentially what a Texas court will be deciding when Mario Williams’s lawsuit makes its way to a judge.
The Buffalo Bills defensive end is suing his former fiance in order to get the engagement ring back that he gave her. And according to this report, Texas law is pretty straightforward when it comes to engagement rings. If the woman ends the engagement, the man gets the ring back.
This kind of law sets up rather odd incentives for an engaged couple. If this woman was merely willing to go through with a marriage, she’d be a half-million dollars richer (the value of the ring). Additionally, it makes engagement a sort of risk-free proposition for men. In the end, this leads to batshit things like half-million dollar engagement rings and lawsuits over said half-million dollar engagement rings. To reduce an engagement to a sort of contract makes little sense as far as the baubles go.
At any rate, regret is an odd thing for Buffalo Bills defensive end Mario Williams to be using as the basis for a lawsuit. All of Buffalo might have a thing or two to say about false promises. False hope.
RAP SHEET ROLL CALL
* Gay arrested; promise of Stonewall dashed.
* Cliff Harris was arrested three times in nine days. This must be a record pace for a football player.
* Nevermind. Titus Young got arrested twice in one day.
Morgan & Morgan [ForThePeople.com]
Florida lawyer buys ads urging Jaguars to sign Tebow [ProFootballTalk]
Mario Williams files Lawsuit over engagement ring [MyFoxHouston]