Do federal employees know how to use all the items in this picture?

The federal government hasn’t exactly been covering itself in glory. This weekend, the IRS was caught line dancing. I had to go on The Mike Huckabee Show where I was allegedly “destroyed” by a conservative screaming about Holder and his association with… Covington & Burling. The right wing is whipped up into a frenzy, and I’m sure if they want to keep focusing on this stuff instead of passing, say, comprehensive immigration reform, Hillary Clinton or Joe Biden will thank them for it in 2016.

But the bottom line is that when you habitually starve the government of the resources needed to hire quality people, you end up with less than stellar government services. The IRS probably doesn’t end up looking this incompetent if it isn’t staffed by glorified toll booth employees.

That’s some big picture stuff. Elsewhere in the regulatory firmament, on the small scale, we’ve got federal regulators who are being investigated for their inability to blow their nose properly…

We received this gross tip about the happenings at the CFTC — the Commodity Futures Trading Commission. Apparently, this merry band of government watchdogs needs to watch where they blow their nose while they’re in the bathroom. Here’s part of an email sent around their whole office:

Fifth Floor Gentlemen,

We expect our workplace to be clean and comfortable. On multiple occasions that cleanliness and comfort has been violated by someone in the 5th floor men’s restroom who is not using tissue to blow their nose. This inappropriate act has caused concern and resulted in a significant number of complaints from men who use the restroom every day. This act is isolated and has not occurred on other floors.

How the mighty have fallen. These are the guys Winthorpe and Valentine reported the Dukes to for stealing the orange juice report. I bet you a dollar that this current crop couldn’t catch Clarence Beeks if he was locked in a gorilla cage.

The email continues:

We need your help! Please send an email to [Colombo], Chief of Security, each time you notice this condition in the 5th floor men’s restroom so that we may track disruptions, better understand the pattern, and work to identify a solution.

The titans of commodities futures trading must be quaking in their boots. The guys in charge of figuring out complex illegal trading patterns can’t figure out who needs a tissue.

You can read the full email on the next page. I’m not a Republican, so I don’t think this email means we need to eliminate the CFTC. I think it means we need to given the government the resources to hire people who passed the second grade.


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