Football, Murder

Hernandezing!

Did you notice the FCPA lawyer handling the Aaron Hernandez arraignment?

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When I’m watchin’ my T.V.
And that man comes on to tell me
How white my shirts can be
But he can’t be a man ’cause he doesn’t smoke
The same cigarettes as me
–The Rolling Stones

(FYI, this post was written while watching the NBA draft, so it is especially sloppy. I do not, however, have a good excuse for the picture of Elie after the jump.)

Fashion is hard. No one knows that better than I. Currently, I have two suits at my disposal. Two. One’s blue and stretches at the seams when I put it on and the other is brown and it billows out around me at the slightest provocation, looking for all the world like a suit my older brother gave me that I just need to grow into. Brown and blue. I try my best to religiously switch back-and-forth, but most weeks are taken up by only one of the suits. This week has been brown in case you were wondering. I used to rock a charcoal number, but that thing was so big, I appeared to be doing a very sad David Byrne impersonation.

If you’re wondering why my patented “Who gives a f&*%?” personal anecdote this week is dedicated to couture, it’s because we are on the cusp of a revolution. Not since Kriss Kross wore their Starter jackets backwards (R.I.P. the one who died) has a fashion statement arrived with such force and absurdity. And not since Mike Tyson made everyone run out and get face tattoos has a menacing athlete changed the aesthetic game so boldly. This week, Aaron Hernandez got arrested for murder. Miranda means he didn’t have to say anything. It was his right to remain silent, for christ’s sake. Something something something…FASHION STATEMENT!!!

Let’s talk white shirts worn just so…

MURDER WAS THE CASE THAT THEY GAVE HIM

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On Wednesday, Aaron Hernandez was arrested and charged with murder. Which came a little more than a day after Hernandez’s Biglaw attorney, Michael Fee, issued a statement lambasting the media for speculating at the existence of an arrest warrant. Fee lashed out like Spiro Agnew at the nattering nabobs who wove a fantastical story concerning a warrant being prepared for his client’s arrest.

Fee appeared with Hernandez at his arraignment on Wednesday, which must have been a total mindf**k after his statement on Monday. After taking a strong drink of water, Fee must have realized that he had it all wrong. His client was in serious trouble and what was this murder everyone was talking about in the courtroom? Fee searched his extensive biography for a clue on how to behave:

Michael represents organizations and individuals in a wide variety of investigations and enforcement proceedings brought by federal, state and foreign government agencies. His practice focuses on white collar criminal, civil and administrative matters involving the regulation of the health care industry, FDA regulation of medical device companies and pharmaceutical manufacturers, securities enforcement, investment adviser regulation, the U.S. Foreign Corrupt Practices Act, export and trade regulation, public corruption and campaign finance law. Michael has defended numerous cases brought under the U.S. Civil False Claims Act, litigating these cases successfully in federal district court and the federal courts of appeals. Michael also uses his extensive experience defending organizations to assist clients with the design and implementation of compliance systems that help prevent violations of law.

Objection, your honor! Aaron Hernandez cannot have violated the U.S. Foreign Corrupt Practices Act because the officials in charge of carrying out the health care regulations were not Chinese at all!

Luckily for Aaron Hernandez, he has also retained an attorney who doesn’t have extensive experience dealing with the design and implementation of compliance systems. Also present at his arraignment was Jamie Sultan, a Harvard-educated attorney who has spent the last several decades ignoring his rich pedigree to wallow around a bit in the muck. Like this guy:

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Anyway, Sultan promises to add actual relevant skill to Hernandez’s defense. Plus, hiring his firm means the use of this guy for research. I don’t know either.

REASONS FOR AARON HERNANDEZ TO WED

1. This nation has not elected a bachelor President since Grover Cleveland in 1885. Simply put, we don’t trust men who don’t marry. Grover Cleveland was, of course, famous for serving two non-consecutive terms in the White House. Less well known was his vast collection of decorative spoons and his all-consuming hatred of dubstep.

2. Your uncle has promised not to drink too much at the wedding, Aaron. No, the tie looks good wrapped around his head like that. Are you kidding? He always dances like that. Doesn’t mean he’s drunk. He’s having a good time, Aaron, let him unwind. He loves you. That’s not vomit on his shirt, that’s…no, that’s vomit. Listen, Aaron, I’m sorry. I think your uncle has a drinking problem. Oh god, I’m so sorry! Aaron, let me pay for the tuxedo. No, I insist. Okay, I’m going to go put your uncle in the car. Our present is over there. It’s a toaster. We love you.

3. If convicted of murder, Aaron can skip all the uncertainty over what prison gang to join. Married men stick together, of course. Marrieds have no enemy, be they Skinhead or Latin King. Perhaps the only enemy Marrieds encounter is their harpy wives, who couldn’t leave them the f**k alone if they tried. You slave away all day in the prison laundry only to get an earful across double-thick bulletproof glass when she visits. Did you ever love her? I don’t know, was she ever not a total raging b**ch??????

4. A trailer. A couch. The smell of stale ejaculate. Yep, conjugal visits.

5. Oh, and he may prevent his fiance from testifying against him, whether she is compelled or, in the case of communications between them, whether she wants to.

RAP SHEET ROLL CALL

* Scottie Pippen allegedly beat all holy hell out of an autograph seeker and is now under investigation for felony assault. The beatee allegedly called Pippen the N-word, then exclaimed “I is what I is” and started crying on national TV.

* Gilbert Arenas was arrested after being pulled over and found with a truckful of illegal fireworks. Because of course he was.

* Josh Brent, the Dallas Cowboy who killed a teammate while drunk driving, is back in jail after failing his second drug test. U sad?


Hernandez’s lawyer speaks out against false reports of arrest warrant [PFT]
A wedding could shield Hernandez’s fiancée from testifying [PFT]

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