Date: Thu, Sep 5, 2013 at 08:25 PM
Subject: I don’t see the sports law thing…
To: “AbovetheLaw Tips”
…coming tonight. On top of the first game of the season, this is a dead *$#*ing week for sports law stuff. More concussion news? Who gives a ****? I don’t. I wrote everything I’m gonna write about that crap last week. I realize you may not view my cri de coeur re: Abraham Lincoln stone genitals as the end-all-be-all on the concussion crisis, but I don’t curr. Concussion crisis? I swear I just used that formulation because it’s alliterative. Concussion crisis crab cake concubine. Christ, I’m sorry. You know I go long with these emails….
Anyway, Wes Welker has caught the first four passes from Manning and guess what has two thumbs, small feet, a penchant for loud farts, and Wes Welker on their fantasy team? This guy! *fart noise* Y’see, I couldn’t write something for ATL if I wanted to. Gotta watch a small white man catch footballs thrown from a larger white man who talks like he has slow dumb marbles in his mouth for the next two hours. Can’t be vomiting words all over your website while I’m watching sports. You don’t pay me enough for that. Which, I’ve been meaning to talk to you about the pay scale. I can’t provide for my Shawn Kemp family on this Smush Parker budget for much longer, you guys. Do you know how much diapers cost? Much more than the newspaper I’m currently swaddling my chirrens in. Much more.
Hold on, I gotta…
…take a s**t.
Anyway, feel free to have someone else write this sports garbage for tomorrow. Here’s a few first thoughts on the news stories out there:
1. Roger Goodell defends the concussion settlement. In related news, Goodell has ginger balls and is a menace. Seriously, I can’t stand this guy. Like, I get that he is the leader of the league and, specifically, the league’s owners. I get that. But doesn’t he realize that his job as leader does not require his ginger balls to make a public comment on everything? Does he now that he is such a loathsome character, he could make a speech in opposition to cancer tomorrow and a million people would start smoking? The man has ginger balls and seems like a prick. He should know that his best move is to say nothing. Jacoby Jones just got absolutely hammered by some rookie teammate.
2. And now a concussion lawsuit has been filed against the NCAA. You remember when Weird Science was a TV show? This is like the Weird Science TV show of concussion lawsuits. Computer generated interactive pornography was absolutely worth exploring the first time around. Just like the negligence of a billion dollar sports behemoth. But the second iteration just feels sad and exploitative. And the chick wasn’t nearly as hot as Kelly Lebrock in her prime. Anyway, I think this metaphor needs some tightening up, but you get the idea. Also consider comparing the lawsuit to: New Coke, Eli Manning, Leprechaun: Back 2 Tha’ Hood.
3. Ray Lewis’s deer antler spray provider got raided in Alabama. INSERT JOKE HERE WHEN YOU THINK OF IT. BAMBI, Jesus with a huge rack, rammer jammer yellow deer antler spray provider, etc.
Okay, I began to write you an email tonight…