The bar exam is tomorrow. I always think that the emergency broadcast system should let you know when the bar exam is coming. Just so you, as a person who is not taking the bar, know that you shouldn’t make any sudden movements outside of the Javits Convention center in New York. Or wherever else stressed out lawyers are being herded together in your town. Stay indoors. And for the love of God, don’t slip and fall in public. Bitches be crazy.
If you are actually taking the bar tomorrow, don’t forget to send us your stories about how the bar went for you. It’ll be an excellent one. We’ve had bar exams that included earthquakes, cattle barns, and general disasters. Who knows what awesomeness awaits this year.
But if you really are reading online right just hours before the bar exam, you probably are looking for some advice. And you are probably well past the point where “study tips” will do you any good. Let’s face it, reading Above the Law 18 hours before the bar exam is kind of like telling yourself, “I’m gonna fail, but it’s gonna be okay.”
Since I’m apparently in a tip-giving mood, I’ve put together some advice with those people in mind. These tips won’t help you pass, but you will definitely fail if you do not follow them…
1. Show up. For EVERY day.
No, seriously, every year people sign up for the bar, then don’t show up on test day. Or they come from the first day, are convinced they’ve failed, and don’t even bother to come back the next day.
DON’T DO THAT! Actually take the freaking test. Even if you fail, it’s good practice for next time. Trust me, you’ll never pass if you never take the test.
2. Don’t Get High.
I get it, you have some kind of “anxiety.” People have told you that you need to “relax” in order to do well on the test. That does not mean you should smoke a joint. Or take three Valium. Or five Adderall for the opposite effect. TAKE THE BAR SOBER. You’re welcome.
3. Wear thin pants.
If you find yourself getting really stressed out during the exam, go to the bathroom and… relieve the tension. It’s okay, nobody needs to know, take five minutes for yourself. You’ll come back relaxed and happy.
4. Read. Accurately.
Guys, the bar exam is a glorified reading comprehension test. As long as you’ve engaged in some minimal preparation, everything you need to answer the question is written down in the question. So, don’t forget to read it. The whole question. And all the answers. Remember that the answers are part of the question. Don’t invent s**t that is not in the question because your mind stops reading and starts imagining.
5. Fight the sadness.
At some point, the bar will make you feel bad about yourself. It will make you feel stupid. It will make you feel like your whole life to that point has been a gigantic waste of time.
Fight it! Fight the sadness. Fight the despair. Fight the impulse to quickly write down everything you’ve ever learned. The bar isn’t a sprint, it’s a marathon. It rewards people who exhibit intellectual stamina.
So, don’t cry like a bitch. Don’t freak out because there is tapping at your chamber door. If a question knocks you down, get back up and fight the next one.
These tips will help you. A lot of you taking the bar tomorrow are too young to remember this, but I’ll leave you with the person who has the best bar exam advice ever, Rocky Balboa:
It really don’t matter if I [fail] this fight. It really don’t matter if this [exam] opens my head, either. ‘Cause all I wanna do is go the distance. Nobody’s ever gone the distance [in my jurisdiction], and if I can go that distance, you see, and that [proctor stops] and I’m still standin’, I’m gonna know for the first time in my life, see, that I weren’t just another bum from the neighborhood.
Good luck, people. It will all be over soon. Tell us how it went at firstname.lastname@example.org.