It’s been a while since I’ve done a terrible jobs report. With Alex Rich around to offer a more nuanced understanding of the contract attorney ghetto, I’m content to just lock my doors and drive past those emails as quickly as possible.

I would have ignored this terrible job too, but somebody responded to the job opening and wished… very bad things on the potential employer. It’s not every day you see a “take this job and shove it” email from somebody who doesn’t actually have the job…

A tipster sent in an email conversation he had with a small law firm in Illinois. Apparently, he submitted his résumé for a position without knowing the pay. Here’s how the firm responded to the résumé dump:

I would like to thank you for recently submitting your resume for consideration of an attorney position with our firm. The position that will soon be available is a part-time and contract attorney position in our downtown Chicago office. This contract will be for a 4 month time period and will commence on September 1, 2014. The compensation will be $2,000.00 a month and the time commitment is about 36 hours a week. The duties would largely entail assisting new bankruptcy clients with their process. This position does have a prerequisite that the contract attorney be admitted to the U.S. District Court for the Northern District of Illinois. If you are still interested in this opportunity, please just respond to this e-mail and I will contact you soon to schedule an in-office interview. In addition, if you are not currently a member of the U.S. District of Northern District of Illinois, I would suggest immediately taking action to obtain this license. I hope to speak with you soon.

Yeah, that doesn’t sound like a great job. But hey, beggars can’t be choosers.

Or so I thought. Instead of saying “no thanks” or even “yes, please, I’ll give you a good time for crack-money” (you know who you are), our guy sent this in response:

Thank you for your consideration, but this salary is joke. $2000/144 hours = $13.89 per hour. I make 2k a week right now. I could drive an Uber and make more money. In fact, I could do a lot of things and make more money. Good luck finding anyone with a brain to take this job. This salary is insulting, and I hope your firm goes bankrupt. Sorry I’m not sorry.

Also, driving for Uber has… fringe benefits, but that’s besides the point.

I kind of like to see people get insulted by things that aren’t all that insulting. Hell, I like it so much that I do it for a living. It’s an employers market, we all get that. But as Cal Tillinghouse once said: these are grown men with pride and dignity.

I do disagree with the tipster, however. The firm will find someone “with a brain” to take that job. They just won’t find anyone who likes it. Whoever they hire will secretly feel this way about the firm. You can’t pay your legal colleagues $14 bucks an hour and expect them to like it.

Maybe the firm just wants a grunt who needs a job to do some contract work. And that’s fine. But [clears throat] Don’t they know they’re billing hours from one already dead?


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