Well Bully For John Mara And Art Rooney

In between the pride and the fall, apparently, are a few words about John Mara and Art Rooney's law licenses.

I suppose there are any number of moments that one can point to that perfectly encapsulate the complete insanity, inanity, and impotence of the NFL’s response to Ray Rice knocking out his fiancée. There is the Ravens tweet, of course. That perfectly horrible bit of victim-shaming, a 144 characters-or-less bite-sized lump of horrifying misogyny. There is John Harbaugh’s endorsement of Rice, a recommendation so heartily unnecessary, it sounded like a Hall of Fame introduction.

But in weirdness alone, the most perfect moment happened last night. That’s when the NFL chose the legal profession as its moral and ethical cover. In the punch bowl that is the NFL’s announcement of a laughably inept “independent” investigation, the league dropped this fantastic turd of a non-sequitur:

“Director Mueller’s investigation will be overseen by NFL owners John Mara of the New York Giants and Art Rooney of the Pittsburgh Steelers, and the final report will be made public. Mara and Rooney are both attorneys.”

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA… what?

Mara and Rooney are both attorneys. It hangs there like a dingleberry. What little meaning it has is almost completely negative. There are times when it’s a positive. Please, don’t misunderstand me. I am no self-hating lawyer. Have you been a victim of mesothelioma? Mara and Rooney are both attorneys. Have you or someone you know been injured or disabled on the job? Mara and Rooney are both attorneys. Unpaid bills keeping you up at night? Mara and Rooney are both attorneys. See! This garbage has its place!

That place is not, however, in an announcement about the NFL’s supposedly independent investigation that will nominally be headed by one partner at a law firm that does business with the League (WilmerHale) and two owners. Who are both attorneys.

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So why did the billion-dollar enterprise choose to insert that language into their statement? The only thing I can think is that Mara and Rooney insisted on it. The two owners, who are legacies and likely never needed to seriously practice actual law in their lives as scions to billion-dollar sports franchises, thought that their impressive book learning would dazzle the rabble. I mean, sh*t, I bet Aunt Becky and Uncle Frank were super proud of John and Art when they got their law degrees. Hell, Art Rooney’s Wikipedia page includes this proud accomplishment:

He then attended Duquesne University’s School of Law where he earned his law degree in 1982, earning highest honors in legal ethics and responsibility.

I’m sure this was inserted by a diligent wiki editor and not someone closely associated with Art Rooney. I’m surprised his assistant didn’t also add the perfect attendance award Art earned at Holy Name elementary school.

No, John Mara and Art Rooney likely thought the world of their own accomplishments. Which is why they thought the world would think the same. And so we are left with another bungling attempt by a public relations machine that has, literally, unlimited funds at its disposal. Unlimited funds and, by my count, absolutely zero sense.

The pride comes before the fall. And in between that pride and the fall, apparently, are a few words about John Mara and Art Rooney’s law licenses.

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Independent investigation to be held into Rice incident [NFL]