Why Are D.C. Lawyers Such Frigging Babies?

Which law firm called THE SECRET SERVICE to file a damn noise complaint?

UPDATE 3/26/15 6:00 p.m.: Find out the firm’s lame “negotiation” with the band here.

Another day, another tip about how obnoxiously soft these D.C. lawyers are. The good people of Skadden’s Washington office are up in arms over some minstrels performing on the streets in front of the office. This simply will not do! Skadden’s ever so important work cannot be disrupted by the dulcet tones of mere buskers!

And to that end, the leader of Skadden’s D.C. office, Mitch Ettinger (or, more accurately, his secretary) sent an email to the office detailing his efforts to shoo this riff-raff to another locale:

As many of you are aware, a group of musicians have established themselves on the other side of 15th Street near the Treasury Building, and their “playing” is making it difficult for people in the 1440 building to work. Originally, they were only performing between noon and 2pm two days a week, but as of this week, they have been performing every day and longer hours. We tried negotiating with the band to relocate to another location, but were unable to convince them to move.

I’m sure that meeting went down well. Skadden hangs its hat at 1440 New York Avenue, mere steps from the White House. Who would have predicted such unseemly public performances would transpire next to the most popular tourist attraction in the city? There never used to be such a ruckus. Back in the day, you could buy crack in front of Skadden’s office. Ah, those were heady times!

With their first efforts rebuffed, surely Skadden isn’t going to overreact:

We reached out to the DC Police, the Downtown BID and the US Secret Service, but all three organizations told us that the musicians were “legal” and that there was nothing that could be done to have them removed.

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The Secret Service. Jesus Christ. I can’t believe the SECRET SERVICE didn’t see the convenience of white-shoe lawyers as a top priority.

We have determined that the Noise Control Protection Amendment Act of 2008 might help us. It prohibits daytime noise above a certain threshold. We are purchasing the device required to conduct the decibel measurements. If the noise exceeds the legal threshold, and the law enforcement organizations still refuse to enforce, we can take the issue to the DC Council and the Mayor’s office.

The struggle is real.

We are also considering other measures like hiring a string quartet to arrive earlier in the day and assume their spot. We’ll keep you apprised of our progress.

Please. Hire Kronos to play Purple Haze down there. Once the usual musicians show up, that’ll be a jam session worth watching.

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Maybe these musicians are loud. Fine. It’s also not their fault you plopped your office next to the White House. Move to K Street where all the other boring office types set up shop.

Double f**king newsflash for D.C. lawyers, it’s called “living in a city.” Occasionally your neighbors will have different priorities than you — deal with it. Proskauer placed its New York office in the middle of Times Square, and while commuting to work there every morning justly invites comparisons to Dante’s Inferno you don’t hear them complaining because they knew what they were getting when they moved there.

This isn’t the first time D.C. lawyers have thrown a hissy fit over their offices. Remember this is the city where a law firm sued a burger joint into the ether for “smelling like burgers.” Hopefully the fried chicken joint taking its place can sufficiently satisfy the delicate olfactory senses of Steptoe & Johnson. It’s like dating your friend’s ex… sure she branded him with a curling iron and blew Geddy Lee behind the risers at the State Fair, but this time it’ll be different. Good luck with that.

The problem is that Washingtonians — or more precisely Washington office dwellers who probably flee the city for the warm embrace of suburban Maryland every evening — simply don’t understand cities. This problem runs deep. The whole metropolis is just a sterile marble facade thrown on top of a swamp where no one was ever meant to reside. How does a city escape its foundational anima? Perhaps this is why the city holds its own citizens in such low regard — once outside the manicured tourist traps, the nasty business of dealing with “other people” gives Washington office dwellers the hives.

No matter. Washington is what it is and that won’t save these street musicians from a date with destiny. Listen up performers, the decibel meter is already winging its way from some Amazon storehouse to the staid offices of Skadden and when it gets there they’ll call the ATF or Seal Team 6 or whatever appropriate agency deals with such things.

You don’t have to go home, but you can’t stay here… there be lawyers working.

Earlier: Burger Business Busted By Biglaw Will Keep On Truckin’ Cookin’
Will Biglaw Sue This Restaurant Out Of Existence?
The One Where The D.C. Circuit Benchslaps The Federal Government