Lawyer Leaves Keys In $100,000 Sports Car. Dude Steals Lawyer's $100,000 Sports Car.

What was more embarrassing? Telling the cops you left the keys in the car or telling the cops your license plate?

A friend of mine used to proclaim that the LSAT was the greatest measure of intelligence around. After reading this news story, I’ll counter that “leaving your keys in a car worth six figures” provides some remarkably compelling insights on that particular score. Throw in an embarrassingly stupid license plate and we have ourselves some reason to question the “mind grapes” on this otherwise seemingly successful guy.

Aaron Delgado, managing partner of Damore, Delgado, Romanik & Rawlins, awoke last Friday to find his 2014 Audi R8 (MSRP “from $115,900”) missing from his driveway. As the Daytona Beach News-Journal quotes Delgado:

“It was certainly very alarming,” Delgado said Monday. “It was very intrusive to my home.”

Sure.

But the police report indicates that “Delgado advised that he left the keys inside the vehicle,” so it wasn’t so much “invasive to his home” as it was “shocking this hasn’t happened before.” It’s unclear why Delgado thought he was living in Mayberry or whatever other jerkweed, saccharine utopia managing partners assume they live in, but he lives in the very city where drunk hillbillies invented NASCAR. If you’re leaving your souped-up 560+ horsepower sports car unlocked for the taking in Daytona, you kind of deserve what you get. Or to use language that might better resonate, “Here’s Your Sign.”

When approached by a Manatee County deputy Friday evening just before 11 p.m. outside the convenience store on Manatee Avenue, [alleged car thief Michael] Bancs was swaying and glassy-eyed. He initially denied that he had been driving the white two-door coupe, the Manatee County sheriff’s report states.

But later on when he was sitting in the back of Manatee sheriff’s deputy Christopher Gallagher’s patrol car, Bancs admitted he was the driver of the car and had taken it “up to 201 mph on I-75,” the report states.

Well, well, well, at least Jeremy Clarkson’s been keeping himself busy. Manatee County is about 179 miles from Daytona Beach, or about 50 minutes at that rate. For perspective, in the time it took to travel from Daytona, through Orlando, to Manatee, one person made the entire trek to the front of the line at Space Mountain.

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But now the missing R8 is safely back at home, where Delgado no doubt has the vehicle up on blocks trying to run back the odometer like Cameron from Ferris Bueller. According to his firm bio, Delgado says:

I have always wanted to be a trial lawyer. There is nothing I enjoy more than being in the middle of a trial, cross examining a witness or delivering my closing argument to the Jury and pouring out every ounce of energy and passion I have left. When I go into a trial, I know the Courtroom is where I belong.

Is this a firm bio or a Penthouse letter? But, hey, enthusiasm is great in a defense attorney. Clients need to know their advocate is that committed to defending their case. And Delgado wants everyone to know he’s committed to his job:

When Delgado called 9-1-1 and the Sheriff’s dispatcher asked him what the license plate to the car was, the attorney replied, “Yeah, it’s ‘Not Guilty.'” But then he said, “It’s zero G-L-T-Y.”

Oh f**king stop. Now that the Supreme Court recognizes license plates as government speech, responsible state governments should impose regulations to keep their citizens from embarrassing themselves with vanity plates. It makes for great ATL fodder, but seriously lawyers, you should probably avoid becoming the Assman.

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So this isn’t the most flattering episode in Delgado’s life. But at least Delgado can take heart that while leaving his keys in his car was incredibly stupid, there’s still one indicator of rank stupidity that trumps it: stealing a car a with vanity plates.

Daytona attorney’s $100,000 sports car stolen from driveway [Daytona Beach News-Journal]

Earlier: Law License Plates: Constitutional Conundrums
Law License Plates: Models, Bottles, and Tax Studs