GOP Debate Drinking Game — Second Round: This One Goes To 11

Of the many iconic scenes in This Is Spinal Tap, perhaps the most quoted is Nigel Tufnel explaining that his amps are special because all their settings go to 11. And that must be what CNN executives were thinking when they resolved to put on a spectacle more grand than the Grand Old Party’s Fox News Debate last month — “Fox had 10 candidates in their prime time debate? Well, ours goes to 11.” Bravo. After an embarrassing s**tshow of a debate where not a single issue was explored in any depth while 9 losers and Donald Trump vied for attention, CNN decided to add another voice to the stage. That’ll fix it.

But CNN says the bar will be raised, and how can we refuse this call? Did you get drunk last debate? Well, it’s time we bring that buzz to an 11.

At this point, there’s no reason to waste time on the JV debate. With Rick Perry calling it quits, we’re left with Santorum, Pataki, Jindal, and the Onion’s darling Lindsey Graham taking an hour or so of air time to discuss all the important s**t they’ll never be in a position to do anything about. Remember, only 27 percent of the population identifies as solidly Republican and these four candidates combined muster 3.2 percent of likely GOP primary voters meaning something on the order of .8 percent of voters care about this debate. Which, I guess still makes it a better use of CNN’s air time than the Erin Burnett show.

Now, if you want to conduct this challenge on the hardest level, then by all means adhere to all the rules of the original GOP Debate Drinking Game too. At this point, ATL would like to remind its readers that it’s not responsible for any alcohol poisoning — please drink responsibly.

Here now are your official lawyerly rules for tonight’s festivities, some mainstays carry over from last time and others are specific to this go-around. Take a sip when mentioned unless otherwise instructed:

Constitution — Anything about America’s other founding document (not the main one) earns a sip.

Constitution Day — Finish your drink. Later this week, law dorks (like us) will act like this is a real holiday. Will anyone take a break from defending their strict interpretation of what the Constitution doesn’t actually say to make note of this observance?

Fourteenth Amendment — Donald Trump doesn’t believe it applies to the president. Mike Huckabee doesn’t think it even exists. It’s like those old buildings that wouldn’t have a 13th floor, except I’m not too sure anyone on the stage is too smitten with the Fifteenth Amendment either.

Any Supreme Court decision other than Dred Scott — In past editions of this drinking game, Dred Scott was reserved for “finish your drink” status, but now that Huckabee has publicly declared the 1857 decision the “law of the land” it’s not even fair to keep it in the rotation. So, we’re retiring Dred Scott from this drinking game just like the Fourteenth Amendment retired it from reality.

Name-checking Supreme Court justices — Whether they’re asked to name their favorite or just want to call Justice Kennedy a traitor to democracy, grab your drink.

Hypothetical SCOTUS nominees — We know how this question will begin: “When the next president takes office, four Supreme Court justices will be 78 years old or older…” Take a sip and strap in for vague platitudes about “strict construction” and “temperament.” If anyone names a specific individual, finish your drink and revel in whomever Trump named.

Kim Davis described as “martyr,” “hero,” “patriot” — America’s favorite county clerk has generated a good deal of attention from GOP candidates. Now that she’s free and still not doing her job, she’s sure to come up during the debate. Gauge each candidate’s desperation to tap into the base by their willingness to sink into buzzwords normally held in reserve for Reagan.

Hewlett-Packard — CNN’s 11-candidate roster owes a lot to its decision to fudge the long-standing debate rules to force former HP CEO Carly Fiorina into the field. After Fox did the same thing to wedge John Kasich into its Ohio debate, it’s unclear why they even bother with these rules. In any event, if any candidate other than Fiorina mentions Fiorina’s inept tenure at Hewlett-Packard, take a sip. If any other candidate says something positive about HP, finish your drink and then go make yourself a copy and finish that off. Carly tried to.

Class — As in “classy” and all its associated forms. This is one of Trump’s favorite words, but it’s also becoming a favorite of his rivals as they try to paint the tycoon as bereft of his favorite descriptor. Too bad they can’t just show America an Atlantic City hotel room — that would put an end to the “classy” myth. And, hey, if someone drops the phrase “middle class” it’s a free extra sip.

Trump is attacked by a candidate — Most of the field claims they’re itching to attack Trump this time out. Bring it on. For every attack, we quaff another in honor of the coif.

Trump is complimented by a candidate — Yell, “Shut up Ted Cruz!” and chug.

Any candidate mentions legal credentials — America hates lawyers. Rick Santorum, George Pataki, and Lindsey Graham are all lawyers and are all relegated to the JV debate. Jim Gilmore couldn’t even make that field. Only Ted Cruz, Marco Rubio, Chris Christie will be peddling their J.D.s on the national stage and honestly only “HAVE YOU HEARD I WAS A PROSECUTOR!” Christie has any real chance of mentioning his profession. Then again…

Bridgegate — It’s hard to imagine anyone caring about Chris Christie’s candidacy enough to talk about it, but since the last debate his scandal-ridden administration cost a major airline its executive leadership team.

Any candidate slams Clinton or Obama as lawyers — Conservatives enjoy sneering at President Obama’s credentials as a constitutional scholar and bashing Hillary’s early career might score equally well.

GOLD! — Ron Paul’s insane goldbug commercials run throughout the day on basic cable. With Rand Paul sitting on the far end of the podium as one of the debate’s most irrelevant factors, maybe he’ll crib from his dad and start saying stupid stuff about gold. Maybe he fulfills his promise to attack Trump by blasting the use of the one true currency to line the toilets at the Trump Taj Mahal.

Scott Walker realizes Reagan was a union president — Finish your drink. Because it’s Bedtime for Bonzo.

Jeb Bush mentions George H.W. Bush as “president” — In the halls of the Reagan library, desperately needing a jumpstart to a campaign bereft of momentum, Jeb Bush will stop at nothing to remind tonight’s audience that his dad served as Reagan’s Veep. Jeb’s even taken to wearing campaign shirts from his dad’s running mate years. What would really astound is if he mentions anything the Bush family did after November 1988.

Every Ben Carson answer beyond his 4th question — Ben Carson’s campaign has benefited from no one having any idea who he is. Despite running near the top of the field all summer, Fox News got so bored with his answers they ignored him most of the evening. If CNN anchors can get to a 5th question drink every time Carson does.

Someone turns the Wheel O’ Hillary Scandals — Last debate, the candidates wanted to attack Hillary while Fox went after Trump. This time, with Trump squarely in everyone’s sights, any reference to a Hillary scandal seems like an extra special gift. The Email server, Benghazi, Whitewater… bring ’em on.

The Third-Party Pledge — The Fox debate kicked off trying to back Trump into a pledge not to run as a third-party candidate. Now that he’s signed the pledge and surged to an even more commanding lead, CNN may want to go back to this well and ask if anyone else wants to publicly renounce third-parties. If anyone raises the pledge’s complete lack enforceability, put down your drink and eat a single peppercorn.