Cellphones

Put Away Your Phone

You need to be careful that connecting on the phone isn't getting in the way of connecting with the people you are with in the moment.

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You’re sitting on the subway, waiting for the next stop. Of course you pull out your phone and thumb through emails.

You’re in the car in stop-and-go traffic. Of course you pull out your phone and refresh Twitter.

You’re in line at the grocery store. Of course you pull out your phone and check the score on the game.

You’re hanging out at a bar with friends and you’re not actively involved in the conversation at that moment. Of course you pull out your phone and check your messages.

You’re cradling your newborn, rocking them to sleep. Of course you pull out your phone and check Instagram.

You’re in a client meeting with a multiple lawyers present — and you’re not speaking at the moment. Of course you pull out your phone and check Facebook.

Not Present

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Those last few should have tripped you up, but they are such easy behaviors to slip into. I’m not perfect, I’ve been on my phone with a newborn. I’ve never been on a phone in a client meeting (though I have seen it). When you have a smartphone in your pocket that can instantly deliver information and entertainment, directly tailored to your interests, it can be difficult to let it go. But you have to if you want to be present in your life and connect with other people.

Last year, a study was performed about the effect the mere presence of a phone had on a conversation. They discovered that people no longer felt as connected when a phone was present:

Feelings of “interconnectedness” (rated by agreement with statements like “I felt close to my conversation partner”) were reduced for pairs in which a mobile device was placed on the table or held by one of them. Similarly, “empathetic concern” (measured by items like “To what extent did your conversation partner make an effort to understand your thoughts and feelings about the topic you discussed?”) was rated lower by pairs in which a mobile device was brought into view. The topic of conversation made no difference to these results, but the reduction in empathetic concern associated with the presence of a mobile device was especially pronounced for pairs of people who were in closer relationships, perhaps because their expectations about the interaction were higher.

This is corroborated by a study the year before:

Why should the mere presence of a mobile phone interfere with feelings of social intimacy in this way? Przybylski and Weinstein can’t be sure, but they think that modern mobile phones might trigger in the mind automatic thoughts about wider social networks, which has the effect of crowding out face-to-face conversations. Considered in this way, the present findings are an extension of the wider literature on what’s known as non-conscious priming (for example, the presence of a brief-case makes people more competitive).

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Focus On Now

I’m not some luddite. Smartphones are wonderful devices. I just regard technology as a tool, not something to have a party about. I wouldn’t want to go back to a world without them. But that shouldn’t mean we let them come to dominate our lives and affect our relationships. Just like any other device or activity, we need to be cognizant in the way that we use them. Especially if the use of your phone is creeping into relationships in your professional or personal life.

When you’re hanging out with friends, or in a meeting at work, or at home with your family — and you find yourself reaching out for your phone — stop and ask yourself:

  • Why am I checking my phone right now?
  • Is there something more urgent than my present activity that I need to be aware of?
  • Am I a necessary part of this conversation/activity?
  • Is it going to hurt the other person’s feelings if I take out my phone?
  • Am I checking my phone just because I’m bored?

Phones are appealing because they can let you connect out to the world with a touch. But you need to be careful that connecting on the phone isn’t getting in the way of connecting with the people you are with in the moment.

Keith Lee practices law at Hamer Law Group, LLC in Birmingham, Alabama. He writes about professional development, the law, the universe, and everything at Associate’s Mind. He is also the author of The Marble and The Sculptor: From Law School To Law Practice (affiliate link), published by the ABA. You can reach him at keith.lee@hamerlawgroup.com or on Twitter at @associatesmind.

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