Becoming The Perfect Faculty Member: An Advice Column

Dear LawProfBlawg,

I just came out of a terrible faculty meeting. I spoke up, and now I am worried that my colleagues are going to vote against me during the tenure vote. I know I was right, but they looked at me like I was clueless. Help!

Apprehensive in Academia

Dear Apprehensive,

You poor fool! I’m so sorry that I wasn’t able to reach you sooner. Here, let me pour you some lemonade. Oh wait, you need to drink the Kool-Aid. Now just let me put on some appropriate mood music and then I can give you some advice.

1. Remember Humphrey Bogart in Casablanca? Of course, the point of the movie is that you should stick your neck out because it is what makes the world a better place. But that’s not academia. Stick your neck out for no one but yourself. Otherwise, you’ll just waste capital that could be spent advocating for you getting perks on something meaningless to you, like the tenure of your colleague or something. Because rest assured, when you are the one needing help no one is going to stick his or her neck out for you. And isn’t that how we want the world to be?

2. Don’t disagree with the majority, even if they are wrong. You can’t change the collective wisdom of the faculty. True, they may be lemmings about to jump off a cliff, but you aren’t going to change that. If you speak at all, you should encourage them to jump off the cliff. Remember, you are all about self-preservation. Conform and go with the flow.

3. If your colleagues are about to do something illegal, however, make sure everyone sees you leave the meeting. Let’s suppose that your faculty members are about to hire their 100^th white person in a row.   I’m sure that’s just coincidence and not deep-seeded institutional racism, but the outside world won’t know the difference. Make sure someone calls your phone during the meeting so everyone remembers you left. You should have a catchy ring tone. That will refresh their recollection for the impending lawsuit.

4. Be obsequious. You should gush over the work of the committee, regardless of what it is. If it looks like the faculty is overwhelmingly in favor of something, you should speak, only repeating the words of someone who has already spoken and who got a lot of appreciative nods. See the echo character described here.

5. Present an attitude that you blindly trust the wisdom of the administration and your colleagues. To quote that U2 song I’m playing:

Don’t think
Don’t worry
Everything’s just fine
Just fine

That’s the attitude you should present. Otherwise, you might be considered to be a curmudgeon, a boor, or worse.   Remember, you are only contributing if you are totally on board no matter how absurd the position. Be a team player. I suppose what I really mean is: Look like you’re a team player.

6. Don’t care about the institution. Remember, the institution is not your concern. If the institution turns out to do some horrible things, you can always leave and go to a different institution! Things will be better there!  Remember, you’re all about your own selfish motives.

7. If the herd faculty are changing direction on a topic and you misread the directions of the winds, praise the colleague who changed your mind and make it very clear you are now with the majority. Just be careful not to attach your viewpoint to the colleague who perpetually waffles.

8. Don’t ask questions.   There are two reasons you should never ask questions. It will depress you when you find out that no one knows the answer. Also, it will make you seem like you are not with the majority. And there are good reasons to be in the majority. Sure, the literature suggests groups make great decisions only if the group is diverse, but there you go questioning again. Remember the words of Bobby McFerrin: “…when you’re worried your face will frown/and that will bring everybody down.”

9. Don’t shoot for consistency. Remember, circumstances surrounding events change. For example, yesterday was yesterday, and today is today. Don’t expect uniformity when clearly things have changed from Thursday to Friday. In other words, be completely ahistorical in your approach.

10. Trust no one. That colleague may talk a big game in his or her office, but is about to leave the conversation to go stick a knife right in your back. Don’t believe me. Say something absurd to a colleague. See how quickly it makes its way around. For example, tell a colleague you have severe hearing loss. Then watch a different colleague raise their voice really loudly to you like an idiot.

With this advice, you’ll find that you are happier. No, the institution won’t be better off, but remember you can always leave. And isn’t that what tenure is all about, selfish preservation of yourself without regard to the institution?

You’re welcome. Would you like some more Kool-Aid?

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LawProfBlawg is an anonymous professor at a top 100 law school. You can see more of his musings here and on Twitter (@lawprofblawg). Email him at [email protected].