Now We've Seen It All: Judge Uses Song To Self-Benchslap

This judge took a stab at some self-deprecating humor!

Christmas CarolsIt’s colder than a polar bear’s toenail out there, and that plus the combination of recent days off and holiday “cheer” (mostly spiked eggnog) can make even the most dedicated among us a little stir crazy. The same is true for federal judges.

We got a tip from the way back machine, from 1985 to be exact. That’s when the late Judge Jerry L. Buchmeyer, District Judge for the Northern District of Texas, served up a decision with a little bit of holiday cheer.

Seems the case, a class action alleging gender discrimination by the Army and Air Force Exchange Service (“AAFES”), had been languishing in post-trial briefing hell for a few years. Not content to just issue the decision and ignore the parties’ wait time, he took a stab at some self-deprecating humor, and in the very first footnote no less:

The acronym for the A rmy and A ir F orce E xchange S ervice AAFES rhymes, albeit very poorly and Ogden-Nashedly, with the words “gave us” (or, more correctly, “gaf e us”). Therefore, it is somewhat understandable that a party distraught with the delay of this hard working, but overburdened Court, might well at least during the Holiday Season, when spirits are high send an attractive female to these chambers, carrying numerous balloons of festive colors, with this message in verse (sung, of course, to the tune of “Let It Snow, Let It Snow, Let It Snow”:

Oh the case is Shafer v AAFES
We recall the trial you gave us
Do you remember, yes or no?
Let us know
Let us know
Let us know
Oh the age of this case is gallful
Your procrastination is awful
Our impatience we must show
Let us know
Let us know
Let us know
Would you finally give the word
Now we’re down on our knees, pretty please?
And we heard from a little bird
You’ll even add on attorney’s fees
Oh we’ve spoken as long as we dare to
One final question have we for you
Are we shafted, yes or no?
Let us know
Let us know
Let us know

However, this “motion” was not accompanied by a certificate of service, a brief, an order or a certificate of conference, as required by Local Rules 2.1(e) and 5.1(a)-(c). Accordingly, it will not be considered for purposes of this opinion. See, however, footnote 46. Please!

Nicely done Judge Buchmeyer, everyone is definitely in a better mood now!

But the good judge isn’t just proficient at altered song lyrics. Seems he also has a penchant for nice poetry — specifically some Edgar Allen Poe. As Judge Buchmeyer alludes to at the end of his musical break, there is another catchy footnote. Seems there were some important Supreme Court and Fifth Circuit class action cases that altered the law between the trial and the post-trial decision. In order to properly explain the new legal terrain, the judge takes inspiration from a classic to let the parties that the intervening cases did not change the class:

Explanatory note: For years, the Fifth Circuit approved “across-the-board” class certifications in employment discrimination cases, permitting a single plaintiff whether current employee, ex-employee, or someone not hired to maintain a class action attacking all of the employment practices of an employer. In Falcon, a landmark decision in a Dallas case, the Supreme Court reversed, telling the Fifth Circuit that they just didn’t think too much of “across-the-board” certifications. Then in Vuyanich, a later case from Dallas, the Fifth Circuit said, well(!), they now cared even less than the Supreme Court about “across-the-board” certifications. But what of this case, Shafer v. AAFES, where the class represented by attorneys Thorpe and Barber (who had three other class actions pending before this Court) had been certified before Falcon and Vuyanich? Well…

THE FALCON

Once upon a backlog dreary, while I wrote on, weak and weary,
Opinions in class actions filed long ago, in days of yore,
While I pondered, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping,
As of someone gently rapping, rapping at my chambers door.
“`Tis some lawyer,” I muttered, “TRO’ing at my chambers door
Only this and nothing more.”
Back to the class actions turning, all my thoughts within me burning,
When in stepped a frayed, bedraggled Falcon once class-certified when it did soar.
But two Supreme and Circuit trips had made he, so not a minute stopped or stayed he,
And, with mien of class action plaintiffs, perched above my chambers door
Perched upon the Scales of Justice right above my chambers door
Perched, and sat, and nothing more.
Then this troubled bird beguiling my weary fancy into smiling,
By the grave and stern decorum of the countenance it wore,
“Though thy class be shorn and shaven, thou,” I said, “art sure no craven
Ghastly grim and ancient Falcon wandering from the Vuyanich shore
Tell me whether the Fifth, the Circuit, will approve class actions, do outpour.”
And, quoth the Falcon, “Nevermore.”
Sad the Falcon, sitting lonely on those trembling scales, spoke only
That one word, as if his soul by that one word he did rent sore.
Nothing farther then he uttered; not a feather then he fluttered
Till I scarcely more than muttered: “What of the classes I have certified before
What of Hall, of Amason, of Autry, and what of the many more.”
But said the Falcon, “Nevermore.”
Startled at the stillness broken by this reply so aptly spoken,
“Doubtless,” said I, “What it utters is its only stock and store.”
But what of Thorpe, of Barber? Are there more across-the-boards to harbor?
What of the Quixotic battles dared, with Ma Bell and Mrs. Bairds?
Will they just handle fender-benders, soothe the pain with their bartenders?
Spoke the Falcon: “Evermore.”
“Wretch,” I cried, “the Fifth has sent theeby Vuyanich it has bent thee,
But whether Supremely sent, or though the Fifth has tossed thee here ashore,
Desolate, yet all undaunted, in these tortured chambers haunted
Tell me truly, tell me truly, I implore
Are thereare there no class actions?tell me tell me, I implore!”
Quoth the Falcon, “Nevermore.”
“Except in Shafer v. AAFES, and you should probably let them know.”

Sponsored

If excessive rhyming is the reason for the court’s backlog, I think we’ll take it.

Sponsored