How To Respond To Lawyer Jokes
Maybe, as lawyers, we take ourselves too seriously.
Some months back I wondered if lawyers have a sense of humor.
You can’t tell based on some of the things lawyers say and do. Perhaps the lack of a sense of humor comes from being the butt of so many jokes. Maybe.
Maybe we take ourselves too seriously. Definitely.
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One of my readers, Malcolm Kushner, a fellow member of the California Bar, albeit an inactive one, told me in an email that he had written a book called Comebacks for Lawyer Jokes (affiliate link), subtitled The Restatement of Retorts (a subtitle that only lawyers will get). The sub-subtitle is “Humor that shifts the balance of the power to YOU.” Kushner ditched the practice to become a humor consultant. He trains people (not just lawyers) on how to gain a competitive edge with humor. (Full disclosure: Kushner sent me a copy, gratis.)
Dinosaur lawyers will probably remember Melvin Belli, a San Francisco trial attorney with a nationwide reputation and an ego to match, who dubbed himself The King of Torts. Perhaps Kushner should be dubbed “The King of Retorts.”
His slim paperback volume is a book of ripostes to those who always seem to put us down. That changes when they need a lawyer, and then they want the most ornery, difficult, nasty sumbitch lawyer they can find, until their retainer is used up and the monthly bills start to come. Finding a “take no prisoners” lawyer is easy these days.
Kushner divides his handbook, and that’s really what it is, into three parts. The first is “Defense without being defensive.” He says that being the attack dog when someone tells lawyer joke is the wrong strategy, as those jokes usually arise in social situations, and the last thing to do is reinforce the stereotype that lawyers are mean, nasty, and full of themselves. (Well, we are, but let’s keep that our little secret.)
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How to respond when a lawyer joke is told? A clever, witty rejoinder, that’s how. The goal is to silence the joke teller and gain the sympathy (not an easy task for lawyers) of those who heard the joke and hopefully your response.
Great, you’re thinking. This is just like the brilliant argument you should have made at the hearing, only you didn’t think of it until 3 a.m. the following morning. The solution? Kushner says to anticipate and prepare, things we do naturally. (Unless we are tongue-tied and can’t think fast enough on our feet, and if that’s your case, then perhaps you need to rethink this whole lawyering business.)
Essentially, it’s having some material at the ready whenever confronted with lawyer jokes. So, that’s the first part of Kushner’s book, which includes comebacks for some of the most annoying and common lawyer jokes. The trick is to state the comeback BEFORE the punchline. We can talk fast and over others (depositions, anyone?) so this should not be too much of a problem.
An example or two of the many comebacks that Kushner provides:
Lawyer Joke: What’s black and brown and looks really good on a lawyer?”
You respond: “A pair of boots,” BEFORE the usual response of “A Doberman pinscher.”
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Another example:
Lawyer Joke: What’s the difference between a lawyer and a leech?
You respond: “No one wants a lawyer who sucks,” BEFORE the usual response of “After you die, a leech stops sucking your blood.”
You get the picture here. The only problem for us dinosaur lawyers is remembering the responses. Perhaps there should be an app for us?
Part Two of Kushner’s book is called Offense, and it’s for those situations when people are on a roll telling lawyer jokes, in other words they won’t shut up. Sometimes the only way to stop the verbal lava flows is to put it right back to them. This part contains jokes aimed at other professionals who essentially can dish it out but can’t take it. Kushner puts accountants, doctors, and others who relish lawyer jokes in this category. This section has jokes to lob at other professionals who don’t know when to stop. Examples:
Q: What’s the definition of an accountant?
A: Someone who solves a problem you didn’t know you had in a way you don’t understand.Q: What’s an auditor?
A: Someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded. (Sound familiar?)
Q: Why are jokes about lawyers always one liners?
A: So doctors can understand them.
Part Three Kushner calls “Jokes That Make Lawyers Look Good.” When I first turned the page, I thought the remaining pages would be blank, the ultimate lawyer joke (sorry Malcolm), but Kushner says that there are some jokes in this category, although admittedly few. Most of these jokes benefit public interest lawyers, implicitly saying something about the dearth of jokes that show the rest of us in a positive way.
An example:
Q: Did you hear about the legal aid lawyer who made a fortune?
A: Me neither.
Another one:
Q: Why do public interest lawyers like the band U2?
A: They’re pro Bono.
Q: How do you know when someone is about to say something smart?
A: When they start with “A lawyer once told me.” (I have serious doubts about this one.)
However, the point is that we are our own worst enemies when it comes to making ourselves the butt of lawyer jokes. A recent example: Ex-attorney pleads guilty to hypnotizing women for sexual purposes.
And another: Angry lawyer sues airline after he was sat next to an ‘obese’ man on flight.
And yet another: Lawyer attributes his dozing at trial to cold medicine; 11 jurors said they noticed.
Last, but not least, this one: Former general counsel pleads guilty to robbing bank; he had been out of work. He robbed a Wells Fargo branch. (No comment.)
We’re superb at making ourselves the target of belittling lawyer humor. Perhaps Kushner’s book may help. However, wouldn’t it be nice if we behaved in ways that didn’t lend themselves to target practice? Never mind. Malcolm, I think your career as a humor consultant, especially for lawyers, is safe.
Jill Switzer is closing in on 40 (not a typo) years as a active member of the State Bar of California. Yes, folks, California, that state west of the Sierra Nevada, which everyone likes to diss. She’s had a diverse legal career, including stints as a deputy district attorney, a solo practice, and several senior in-house gigs. She now mediates full-time, which gives her the opportunity to see old lawyers, young lawyers, and those in-between interact — it’s not always pretty. You can reach her by email at oldladylawyer@gmail.com.
