Politics

Responsive Emails Found On Anthony Weiner's Laptop

"Thanks so much, Donald. You are our ACE!"

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(Photo by Justin Sullivan/Getty Images)

(Photo by Justin Sullivan/Getty Images)

If there is one place where Above the Law has sources, it’s with people doing document review. Whether you are reviewing documents in India, West Virginia, or in a windowless office in Manhattan, we can hear you.

With the help of these sources, we’ve hacked into the ongoing document review being conducted by the Federal Breitbart Investigations unit of Anthony Weiner’s laptop. We do not want to influence anybody’s vote, but the emails marked “responsive” so far seem pretty important. Here’s what we found, happy Friday.

FROM: HUMA
TO: Hillary Clinton
DATE: 9/02/12

Madame Secretary, I believe now would be a good time to reconsider my husband’s application to become the U.S. Ambassador to Libya. Given the disturbing communiques coming out of the region, I believe we might be able to kill two birds with one stone here.

FROM: Hillary Clinton
TO: HUMA
DATE: 2/14/10

Just saw this Baylor announcement. You know, no matter how many years go by, I can’t forgive Ken Starr for what he did to my family and it’s just so sad that nothing will ever happen to thoroughly ruin his reputation the way he tried to ruin ours.

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FROM: Tony [carlosdanger@yahoo.com]
TO: Bill [POTUS69@gmail.com]
DATE: 6/10/12

Got your question, sorry about the slow response. The trick is to hold the phone at a 30 degree angle. That should eliminate any distinctive characteristics or severe bends.

FROM: Hillary Clinton
TO: HUMA
DATE: 4/1/12

Just checking in to make sure our plan for the Islamic takeover of America is still on track. I know there have been a few setbacks but President Obama is very insistent that we wrap this up quickly so he can openly proclaim his faith.

FROM: Hillary Clinton
TO: HUMA
DATE: 5/20/12

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The GOP-sponsored cuts to our embassy security budget are deeply troubling and I’m beginning to fear serious repercussions. I’m supposed to defend all of our overseas diplomats with THIS?!? I wouldn’t even hold a private meeting with a foreign dictator seeking to gas his own people for a sum this low!

FROM: HUMA
TO: Chelsea Clinton
CC: Anthony Weiner, Hillary Clinton
DATE: 9/27/14

Please disregard any messages you received for “breast feeding pics” of your new daughter, and accept our apologies for the inappropriately erect “congratulations” pictures. Anthony merely wishes you a speedy recovery, and has deleted any references to what he might do once she is “open for business.”

FROM: HUMA
TO: Steven T. Miller
DATE: 12/12/12

We’re big fans of the direction you guys are taking over there. No one expects a federal agency like the IRS to have such a political agenda. I’m sure you’ll find plenty of dirt if you just keep digging!

FROM: HUMA
TO: Sidney
DATE: 9/12/12

Hillary is literally dying out here. Just give me anything on this, we’ll use it.

FROM: Hillary
TO: HUMA
Date: 4/2/12

I don’t love how that first picture came out. Can we do a re-shoot? I know you want to go with the hashtag (pound sign) Texts From Hillary, but maybe Letters From Hillary would be classier? Let’s discuss.

FROM: Hillary
TO: HUMA
Date: 11/29/10

We have to get Wikileaks under control. Their publication of State Dep’t cables is unacceptable. Let’s authorize anything up to and including the Vince Foster protocol.

FROM: HUMA
TO: Donald J. Trump
DATE: 11/7/12

We appreciate your continued support of the Clinton family, but we feel it would be premature to announce your intention to seek the Republican nomination just days after the president’s re-election. We fear that your entry might solidify Latino support around Marco Rubio. Rest assured, should Chris Christie survive our attempts to discredit him, we will deploy you to neutralize him, or Governor Bush. Thanks so much, Donald. You are our ACE!

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