The Silver Linings Of Trump's Victory

So if it's our new reality, maybe it's time to look for the silver linings?

cartoon trumpThe Trump administration is already forming up. Hate crimes are already on the riseeven in law firms. The man many assume will serve as Secretary of State has called for a literal revival of McCarthyism for months. And we’re all using the name “Sarah Palin” again. Most of America — if these popular vote margins hold up — didn’t support him, but that’s how the constitutionally retrograde cookie crumbles.

So if it’s our new reality, maybe it’s time to look for the silver linings? Not like those (inevitably white and rich) idiots on Facebook telling everyone to calm down, but the real silver linings here.

    • Twitter handle @POTUS will now be controlled by Donald Trump. Forget the “3 a.m. phone call,” who has the temperament to respond to North Korea’s 3 a.m. subtweet.
    • The Second Civil War is going to be so awesome when we add F-22s to Sherman’s march to the sea.
    • Groundbreaking research and development on human life extension: Entrepreneurs, doctors, biologists, geneticists, pharmacologists, alchemists, and legal scholars pour millions into figuring out exactly how to reverse the aging process for Ruth Bader Ginsburg.
    • The competition to be the official presidential self-tanner will be epic.
    • America will finally become that shining city on the hill: Because we’re gonna jack this place up with so much classy neon and gold-plating, it’ll make your head spin.

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    • Alec Baldwin will be gainfully employed for the next 4 years.
    • We really weren’t using all those amendments anyway: When’s the last time someone had to evoke the Third Amendment, eh? The First Amendment was pretty much just used by those Gawker jerks and who wants them anyway? Thirteenth? Well that’s crazy, we don’t even have slavery here anymore! Time to declutter this whole document a bit.
    • The odds have improved for that New Jersey sports gambling bid: And they may not even need that whole “nuclear option.” Though, honestly, if we have a nuclear option, why wouldn’t we use it, amiright?
    • It’s a great time to be a public interest lawyer. The ACLU is building its war chest — and it does mean to go to war — and lawyers will be on the front lines.

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    • The four best words in the English language: (This a lining for Joe specifically here. If this lining doesn’t apply to you, I feel sorry for you, but around the office where someone wrote and our audience ate up this, I’m taking solace in those beautiful words) “I told you so.” It’s certainly not enough, but as a lonely voice predicting potential disaster from a Clinton nomination it’s a pretty refreshing short-term salve.
    • Peace with Russia: We were sweating about a renewed Cold War there, but it seems like this is a president who can really work with Putin.

And so it is. Happy armageddon everybody!