The Best Lawyer Excuses

While excuses may not work all of the time, some of the time, or even none of the time, they are endlessly entertaining.

Dog chewing up paperworkI love excuses; they come in all forms, ranging from the credible to the “I am not making this up,” and everything in between. They are, I think, evidence of creativity to a greater or lesser degree. While excuses may not work all of the time, some of the time, or even none of the time, they are endlessly entertaining. Just Google “lawyer excuses” and you’ll see what I mean.

When I was a baby deputy D.A., in another time and probably on another planet, at least to millennials, I tried a lot of drunk driving cases, more properly characterized as driving under the influence cases because it could have been drugs and not booze. (This was long before the day when cannabis was legal, at least in certain amounts and in certain states.)

One of the things that made it fun was the endless variety of excuses that defendants would proffer as defenses to the charges. They ranged from “I wasn’t driving,” “Some other dude did it” [the “SODDI” defense], “I couldn’t pee into the cup,” “the officer didn’t know how to work the breathalyzer,” “that’s not my blood” that was analyzed in the crime lab, issues of chain of custody, and the like. Whatever might get just one person on the jury to hang, it was used.

In my years as a bank counsel, I would hear excuses for nonperformance from lawyers of defaulting borrowers, ranging from failing businesses, needing to use the money elsewhere, “That’s not my client’s signature on the loan documents, “ and my personal favorite, “The bank never should have lent my client that much money.” Really? Did your client borrow the money? Yes. Did the client pay it back? No. 

So, in the interest of entertainment (and we can probably all use some these days), here are just a few of the ones I’ve come across recently. Lawyers, future lawyers and even a judge thrown in for good measure are the stars here, and they are in no particular order.

1. So, “severe stress” and “severe insomnia” made him allegedly commit these crimes? What lawyer hasn’t been under “severe stress”? What lawyer hasn’t suffered from “severe insomnia,” especially when that lawyer is working with a difficult client, witnesses roll over, and the court overrules every objection the lawyer has made in trial? Has the document been drafted to include all the necessary terms without any ambiguity? Has any critical term been omitted inadvertently?

All of us who have passed the bar will readily agree that “severe stress” and “severe insomnia” accompany us while prepping for the bar exam, taking it, and then wondering whether we’ve passed. However, I doubt that many of us have gone out afterwards and done the things that this would-be lawyer stands accused of. Character and fitness to practice? What should the answer be?

Sponsored

2. Future lawyers, aka law students, might take a look at this law school excuse list. I think it’s pretty comprehensive, and creative practicing lawyers could probably amend, revise, and/or restate some of these excuses for purposes of tardiness to court or deposition, failure to respond, requests for relief from default, and the like. We are nothing if not creative.

3. A list of excuses for why you’re late to court.

Those of us who are OCD get up at zero dark thirty to make sure we’re never be late to a court appearance, otherwise risking case dismissal. In these days of smartphones, calling the court to alert it to your tardiness makes sense, unless you’re using the excuse that your cellphone battery is dead. (Please be more creative than that.)

4. If you’re going to proffer an excuse to the court, make sure it sounds plausible. Don’t whine. Make sure you understand the difference between a dead parent and an ill one, and make sure you’re clear as to where you’ve been when the court has tried unsuccessfully to find you.

5. Another spin on the “dog ate my homework” excuse is the excuse that this lawyer made for rushing out of the courtroom during his closing argument defending a man accused of arson.

Sponsored

Talk about an attorney going the distance for his client. I think this attorney should get an Oscar for sheer creativity. Whoops…. sorry, wrong envelope.

6. Among the most unattractive excuses is playing the “blame game,” in other words, “it wasn’t my fault.” It was the fault of the legal assistant, secretary, calendar clerk, whomever. However, that particular form of victimization doesn’t sit well. While you may try to drive the bus over hapless (and in some cases helpless) staff, at the end of the day, bar rules consider the lawyer as ultimately responsible. So, common sense would say don’t try that one. Not only will it piss off the court, but word gets around. Someone someday will tell your staff about how you’d tried to use staff as the pin cushion for your excuse. We are not permitted to pin the tail on the donkey (remember that game at birthday party, dinosaurs?) unless we are the donkey.

7. Excuses are not just for lawyers; they’re for judges as well, and since judges used to be lawyers, that makes sense. How about this judge in Canada who used “unconscious bias” to excuse his outrageous comments to a rape victim during trial? I hate to think what this judge considers “conscious bias.”

9. Here’s a website devoted to excuses that lawyers make who have a substance abuse problem. We are repeatedly told that substance abuse is a big issue in our profession, and these are reasons why lawyers don’t admit the abuse to themselves and others. Any of these sound familiar?

8. And last, but certainly not least, an entire website devoted to excuses that lawyers can use in various situations, not just in court. 

As I said, we are nothing if not creative.


old lady lawyer elderly woman grandmother grandma laptop computerJill Switzer has been an active member of the State Bar of California for 40 years. She remembers practicing law in a kinder, gentler time. She’s had a diverse legal career, including stints as a deputy district attorney, a solo practice, and several senior in-house gigs. She now mediates full-time, which gives her the opportunity to see dinosaurs, millennials, and those in-between interact — it’s not always civil. You can reach her by email at oldladylawyer@gmail.com.