Labor / Employment, On The Job

Want To Get Sued? A Self-Help Primer

Run your firm the way that you want to – it’s your business, after all!

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Having been a litigator who also practices employment law, I’ve tried to warn clients that lawsuits are expensive, time-consuming, distracting, and gut-wrenching.  And I try to teach clients “prophylactic law” – that is, how to use best practices to avoid problems in the first place, some of which will inevitably lead to lawsuits.

Have a Death Wish? 

But a lot of clients just don’t listen, or if they do, they do not follow this advice.  I often wonder if, as with Freud’s “death wish,” they harbor an unconscious desire or need to litigate.  Maybe a need to sublimate violent urges into societally sanctioned ways of fighting.  Or perhaps a dose of self-hatred.

It may be more sociological, though, like “I have a yacht and expensive houses – I need a good litigation as a status symbol.”  Or maybe it’s just a curiosity to experience the justice system from the inside.

Not being a shrink, I’m not paid to speculate as to hidden motives.  However, ever one to please, and earn a decent living, I figure that I can do both by doing a “best practices” post on how to get sued.  So here are some tips that will likely get you sued, or at least hauled before a government or administrative agency.

Be Like Bernie

For some it comes easy and they don’t need such advice – for others, not so much.  I don’t recall that Bernie Madoff needed such advice, so at a minimum be like Bernie.

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Well, anyway, take heart – I’m here to help. After a lifetime of study and observation, as well as lawyering, I have the answers for you – or at least a few (this blog doesn’t pay enough for me to divulge all the best trade secrets!).

Don’t Worry – It’s Not That Hard

If you are an employer – such as a small law firm – it’s uncommonly simple to get sued.  There are so many laws and rules that you can easily run afoul of – who knew?  But a lot of employers don’t know or get confused about the easiest rules to break to get them sued as quickly as possible with the least amount of effort and fuss.  To them I devote my efforts here.

First (and this is key):  Run your business (or firm) the way that you want to – it’s your business, after all.  Your private kingdom (or queendom, as the case may be).  Why give a whit of concern for the law, your employees, or anyone, for that matter? You wouldn’t give a second thought to screwing a vendor on the bill – so why be concerned about not paying an employee who quits his final wages?

Let ‘er rip when it comes to speaking your mind, and ignore those who advise you to avoid insulting your employees – they are, after all, your employees, right?  And the legal treatises still refer to the “master-servant” relationship – there’s a reason they’re called “servants,” right?

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Some examples.  If employees are working too slow?  Tell them that they are getting a little long in the tooth and that it might be time to retire.  An employee wearing a yarmulke?  Tell him to take it off or get fired – you have a corporate “look” to maintain.

A job applicant who’s pregnant? Tell her that the job is too strenuous and that she should stay home – for her own good.

You know all these people who never get nailed for breaking the law?  This could be you, if you’re not careful!   Wage and hour issues?  Don’t worry, you can always plead ignorance – that’ll work.

If you keep this first tip in your mind, the rest will likely just come easily.  And a lawsuit will be just around the corner.  Guaranteed!

You Don’t Need No Stinkin’ Policy Manual!

Second:  Don’t bother hiring an in-house HR person, since that just adds another “cost center” to your business, who will only do what your lawyers do – tell you “no!”  Who needs that?  And don’t waste your money on employee manuals.

Finally, company policies can only get you into trouble: if you do not have one, they can’t accuse you of breaking it!

Third:  If you must have a “zero-tolerance” anti-discrimination and anti-harassment policy in your company, do it just for show – no need to actually do anything about it – like follow it.

Fourth:  Ignore those who tell you to maintain complete records that document everything such as employee performance.  Remember:  written records only bring problems, like having evidence that can bite you in the … you know.  Better to be able to say, “Ya got me …  we don’t have any record of that.”  It’s your word against his/hers … so forget records.

Fifth:  Similarly, ignore those who caution that you must conduct periodic anti-discrimination and anti-harassment training programs for all employees and managers.  Again, why waste the money?   Look at all the employers who have such training programs but still get sued anyway!  (And pay no mind to those who tell you about all the employers who did not get sued because they had such trainings – can’t prove a negative, you know).

Would You Rather Hire Your Clone, Or Someone Who Does Not Look Like You?  

Sixth:  If you want to be happy, make sure that all of your employees are like you, or as many as possible – in age, race, gender – things like that.  You know in your heart that uniformity breeds satisfaction and contentment, which helps productivity and a sense of camaraderie.  So don’t be shy when you interview a job applicant about her religion, or her health, or her age: it’s all for the sake of uniformity.

Make Money And Forget All Else

Finally:  To sort of sum things up, you know that the purpose of a business or law firm is to make money.  Period.  Therefore, anything that detracts or distracts from the purpose or goal is to be avoided.

There it is, hard-earned advice from a lawyer.  Follow my advice and voila!!

Takeaway: Call Me When You Get Served

And then don’t forget to call me – you’ll need a good lawyer!

richard-b-cohenRichard B. Cohen has litigated and arbitrated complex business and employment disputes for almost 40 years, and is a partner in the NYC office of the national “cloud” law firm FisherBroyles. He is the creator and author of his firm’s Employment Discrimination blog, and received an award from the American Bar Association for his blog posts. You can reach him at Richard.Cohen@fisherbroyles.com and follow him on Twitter at @richard09535496.

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