Women's Issues

It's Okay To Cry At Work

There are a lot of smart, capable, talented attorneys who process their frustration or anger or stress over a situation with tears.

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I’ve often heard well-meaning female mentors tell young impressionable lawyers they should never cry at work. Or, perhaps more realistically, never let other people see you cry. So, when the anger at some work-related slight boils over and the need to cry is inescapable, they close their office door or find an empty bathroom stall and have their tears hidden away like a shameful secret.

Here’s the thing: there are a lot of smart, capable, talented attorneys who process their frustration or anger or stress over a situation with tears. So why do we act like that is unacceptable? Being a lawyer is a tough job and there are bound to be countless situations where you will feel anger and frustration, but crying over that is still seen as weak. Contrast that with another popular coping mechanism — yelling. Plenty of senior Biglaw (and Small Law and In-House) lawyers are known for screaming at associates (or, well, anyone who has the misfortune of being around) when things go wrong, even if the yellee isn’t responsible for the issue. So why is yelling considered a fact of law firm life?

I mean, this is a trick question. You know why. If you’ll excuse me for gender essentializing for a moment: It’s because women tend to be the criers. The “rules” for what’s considered acceptable office behavior were created in an era where women weren’t allowed to participate in work outside of the home, so of course behavior stereotypically associated with women is frowned upon. (If you’re a man who sheds tears of frustration at work, know that I support you too.)

You know what? That’s horseshit.

I’m tired of it and you should be too. There are well established health benefits to crying — our bodies literally excrete a stress hormone and other toxins when we cry and it stimulates the production of endorphins, so you really do feel better when you’re finished crying. It’s science. But when professional women engage in this healthy behavior they’re made to feel shameful. That’s still horseshit.

I’ll admit some women use tears as a weapon to get what they want or to get out of an uncomfortable situation, which is fucked up. Don’t do that. But the far more common workplace situation is when women are made to feel like they don’t measure up to some invisible (male) standard when they use tears as a coping mechanism.

Now, I’m not suggesting you have to cry publicly, but let’s at least admit we do it. It’s a natural and healthy way to deal with the stress that comes as part of the job. It does not reflect, in any way, on your capabilities as an attorney. We need to shout that from the rooftops until everyone understands.

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headshotKathryn Rubino is an editor at Above the Law. AtL tipsters are the best, so please connect with her. Feel free to email her with any tips, questions, or comments and follow her on Twitter (@Kathryn1).

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