Crime

Libertarian Hero Meets The Justice Of The Streets (Err.. Suburbs)

Rand Paul received the kind of justice that makes libertarianism unworkable.

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Rand Paul, daring somebody to tackle him, probably. (Photo by Chip Somodevilla/Getty Images)

As you’ve probably heard, Senator Rand Paul was tackled by his own neighbor and broke five of his ribs. Paul, apparently, was riding around on his lawn mower with noise canceling earmuffs. He never saw or heard his neighbor who tackled him to the ground, causing him serious injuries.

Questions have swirled about the motivation for the attack. Was it political? Was it personal? Was it a mere property dispute?

Why can’t it be all three?

The thing everybody knows about Rand Paul is that he’s a libertarian and “libertarian” always sounds like a fine legal and political theory to people who haven’t thought deeply about how to live with others.

“You can do what you want and I can do what I want and, so long as we’re not hurting anybody, the government can do nothing.” It’s… cute, as theories of social interactions go. It’s not a workable basis for law and governance.

Rand Paul’s broken ribs prove the weakness of libertarianism. According to reports, Rand Paul likes to grow pumpkins on his property. You might like pumpkins, but to some people, pumpkins are kind of big and ugly and, stinky. A slightly past harvest pumpkin patch smells the worst. Do NOT put that crap in my latte!

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Reports also indicate that Paul makes his own compost (also stinky) and “has little interest for neighborhood regulations.” This, my friends, is what libertarianism looks like in practice. I’ll grow what I want, put trash where I want, and maintain my space however I want, and you can’t do anything about it. FREEDOM!

Of course, the neighbors, who in the instant case had to live next to Rand Paul’s pumpkin spiced compost heap for 17 years, are left with little recourse. In Libertarian Land, all of the legal regulations that might restrain Paul’s behavior do not exist. They don’t believe in “zoning.” They don’t care about your sightlines. Libertarians expect an easement in gross over your entire freaking property so long as their behavior is technically limited to their parcel of land.

In the libertarian casebooks, the story ends there. Paul maintains Pumpkinacre however he wants, the government has no right to stop him, the end.

But without laws, we are in the state of nature. And in the state of nature, if you keep growing smelly pumpkins and throwing your yard clippings all over the place, somebody is going to tackle you and break your ribs. WELCOME TO BOWLING GREEN, KENTUCKY, BEOTCH!

Libertarians only want the heavy hand of “government” involved when things get tough. When things get physical, Libertarians will run to your nearest law enforcement officer and demand that something be done.

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But Libertarians also think they can stand on the very edge of their property and bother you however they deem fit, and then expect you to be restrained in your reaction by the government and… that’s just not how society works. You can only needle a man so long before he tries to break your face, legal technicalities be damned. Libertarianism is the social and political philosophy of instigating conflict without suffering the consequences of their own conduct. It works well enough on paper, but in real life it’s going to inspire otherwise decent people to tackle you off your lawnmower and try to break all of your ribs.

Yes, I’m victim-blaming. Yes, I’m saying Rand Paul was “asking for it,” over these past 17 years. Yes, I’m talking from a position of strength, and privilege, with a dollop of hypocrisy — as I am confident that none of my white neighbors are going to come at my 300 lbs black ass over the nasty ginko fruits my beautiful tree liberally spreads around the neighborhood.

But Rand Paul’s broken ribs are a goddamn case study in why we need regulations. Rand Paul’s broken ribs are why 1L Property is not: “You own the parcel in fee simple, congratulations, now go to Crim Law to figure out what you can’t do with it.”

To live in a Libertarian society is to never know the peace of being able to mow your lawn without keeping your head on a swivel. To live above the law is to live beyond its protections.

Is Landscaping Drama at the Root of Rand Paul’s Assault? [New York Times]

Elie Mystal is the Executive Editor of Above the Law and the Legal Editor for More Perfect. He can be reached @ElieNYC on Twitter, or at [email protected]. He will resist.

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