Football

* Texas Hold ‘Em loses to Second Circuit on the River. [The Volokh Conspiracy] * Compiling a collection of historical White House counsel advice was a labor of love. The collection includes advice on issues ranging from dealing with Leon Trotsky to blockading Cuba. Advice on treaty with Roswell visitors conspicuously absent. [WSJ Law Blog] * An incoming 1L at Ole Miss takes to Craigslist to find a “young cute girl” to be “arm candy I spoil.” Ick. [Craigslist (in case that comes down, here's a screenshot)] * Johnny “Football” Manziel’s alleged autograph-for-pay scheme has prompted Texas A&M to hire Lightfoot, Franklin and White, the law firm that helped out Auburn when Cam Newton totally got paid to play was wrongfully accused of taking payments. [USA Today] * D.C. Circuit Judge Janice Rogers Brown has hired former bank robber and jailhouse lawyer Shon Hopwood as her new clerk. An awesome story actually. [Blog of the Legal Times] * Oh closed circuit surveillance, is there anything you can’t do? A police officer in Italy’s Supreme Court has earned some Internet fame after being caught dancing to YMCA while waiting for the verdict in Silvio Berlusconi’s trial. Original video after the jump. Check out Legal Cheek for some viewer-created homages. [Legal Cheek]

* A DWI attorney shows up to court drunk. Kicker? He was in the wrong courtroom. Still, the best way to defend a client is to stumble a mile in their shoes. [KRQE] * A sitting appellate judge shares his poetic stylings. [Law Poetry] * Here’s a brutally honest letter from a hypothetical senior Biglaw partner to a new associate. Since this week established that we need to point this out, this is a satirical letter. [Associate's Mind] * Well this is a pretty comprehensive tirade against a judge. It makes calling a judge a “cock” seem tame. [Legal Juice] * Harvard Professor Noah Feldman talks about democracy. He thinks monarchies have funny traditions. I guess he’s talking about the royal family of Canada. [Zach Talks] * EA can’t use the First Amendment to get out of the right of publicity problem it faces with its college football video game. And the death watch on the NCAA continues. [IT-Lex]

* The D.C. Circuit has banned the import of Sodium Thiopental, putting a crimp in the plans of any state looking to administer lethal injections. This is where Delaware has it right… no one is going to outlaw rope. [The Volokh Conspiracy] * Steve Cohen didn’t read 89 percent of his emails. In his defense, “I think I’m guilty of insider trading” and “I am a Nigerian Prince” are probably both getting caught by the spam filter. [DealBreaker] * Sequestration has put the pinch on the rights of indigent federal defendants to receive legal representation. But at least our airlines are shielded from hardship. [PrawfsBlawg] * “Just as Justice Scalia predicted in his animated dissent, by virtue of the present lawsuit, “the state-law shoe” has now dropped in Ohio.” [USA Today] * Wire Lawyer is running a competition among law school alumni to see which schools are the most technologically progressive. What do you know, people from Seattle and California are winning a technology competition. [Wire Lawyer] * Hall of Famers Art Monk and Darrell Green have joined the movement to get Washington to stop using the ‘Redskins’ name. [ESPN] * Bloomberg takes a look at the legal controversy brewing around unpaid internships. Video after the jump… [Bloomberg Law via YouTube]

* J.K. Rowling’s outing as The Cuckoo’s Calling (affiliate link) author Robert Galbraith has rendered print copies of the book scarce and a hot collector’s item. Now Rowling is hurling Cruciatus curses at her lawyers as the source of the revelation. [The Guardian] * The New York Times weighs in on the worth of a law degree debate and makes Elie’s day by labeling him “indomitable.” [DealBook / New York Times] * After the Ninth Circuit struck a tone of sanity, federal bankruptcy judges in Michigan and Tennessee remind us that law school debt is forever. [The National Law Journal] * The hottest barristers in London. Meh. Holding out for the hottest solicitors countdown. [Legal Cheek] * A lawyer should get suspended for smuggling stuff out of prison for a client. But shouldn’t the punishment be a tad more severe for smuggling a HIT LIST out of prison for a client? [Mercury News] * The Ten Competencies that law schools should teach. I’d add “understanding how to order from Seamless at 4AM,” but otherwise it’s a solid list. [Associate's Mind] * Penn State has approved a $60 million settlement in the Sandusky cases. Which is less than the football program makes in a year. [Deadspin] * Apparently, the laws and other conditions surrounding America’s oil industry make it only the fifth friendliest place to extract petroleum in the world. Thanks a bunch you granola-eating socialists. [Breaking Energy] * It’s not over yet, but the current projection for law school applicants this year is 59,200. My response to those fresh young go-getters after the jump…

Looking at five notable stories of the week that was.

This world is absolutely crawling with DUI attorneys. You wouldn’t know it to look at this website, but it’s fairly clear out here in Amurrica that DUI attorneys outnumber other attorneys by at least a seventeen or eighteen-to-one margin. If you don’t believe me, perhaps you’ll believe Google? A search for “DUI attorney” returns over […]

* Authorities are exhuming the Boston strangler suspect to attempt to match his DNA with a sample recovered from a victim killed almost 50 years ago, highlighting advances in DNA harvesting technology. In other news, COBRA Command claims that Project: Serpentor is moving along nicely. [NY Times] * Ninth Circuit Judge William Fletcher dissents in the case of Deere v. Cullen. Judge Fletcher writes: “The majority holds that a judge suffering from dementia may sentence a man to death.” He’s so unreasonable. [PrawfsBlawg] * The Texas student that Tamara Tabo wrote about this morning, whose arrest for making terrorist threats sparked a Facebook phenomenon, has been released on bail. [The Blaze] * Kash Hill reports on the decision in the Sarah Jones case. The former cheerleader and current paralegal won $338,000 in her defamation suit. [Forbes] * The advent of a new job in the field of sex work: The “Coparazzi,” documenting cop mistreatment of sex workers. This job title is offensive because it suggests that the Paparazzi are doing something admirable. [Jezebel] * An argument for compromising reputation for scholarship money when selecting a law school. As one of the commenters on the article (steponitvelma) put it: “Congratulations. How wonderful.” [The Billfold] * Women are realizing that husbands are crimping their style. [The Careerist]

* Ed O’Bannon asks the NCAA to agree in writing not to retaliate against any current athlete that joins his lawsuit against the organization. How sad is it that a non-profit organization committed to helping students needs to be reminded not to retaliate against students? In other news, NCAA Football 14 (affiliate link) came out today. [USA Today] * More SCOTUS Term analysis. Tom Goldstein, Adam Liptak, and Jess Bravin have been invited to explain to the Heritage Foundation what an awesome term it had. [Heritage] * The Shelby County decision completely lacks any foundation for the argument that the Voting Rights Act violates the Constitution. Yeah, but besides that… [Lawyers, Guns & Money] * What is wrong with soccer fans? Referee stabs player and then ends up like Ned Stark. [Legal Juice] * Mayer Brown reports that Mexican leaders are lining up behind energy sector reform. [Breaking Energy] * Ever wonder about the extent of Internet censorship around the world? Here’s a handy chart showing how Google is censored in various countries around the world. [io9] * Obama caves to Republican requests to suspend law. Republicans label Obama tyrannical for suspending that law. Bravo. [Wall Street Journal]

My this was a busy week. Here's a list of the big-ticket stories that struck my fancy this week.

Did you notice the FCPA lawyer handling the Aaron Hernandez arraignment?

What did Ropes & Gray say to Aaron Hernandez?

* California AG Kamala Harris gets a profile in Vanity Fair. That’s good, I hear she’s the hottest AG in the country. [Law and More] * If you have an erection that lasts waaaaaaay longer than four hours, file suit. [Delaware Online] * A New York-area law student wants a tutor to help with the law review write-on competition. For the low, low price of $35/hour. Eh. It’s better than contract work in most markets (in case the link breaks I’ve got a screenshot). [Craigslist] * What the hell, here’s another job listing. Highlights: Unpaid summer associates, fighting for $12/hour positions, with one voted off the island every few days. The new economy is awesome! (Screenshot here.) [Craigslist] * Patriarch Partners founder and CEO Lynn Tilton, known for saying, “There are three universal lies: Margins are weak, but we’ll make it up in volume; the check’s in the mail; and I won’t come in your mouth,” prevailed in MBIA’s suit against her. [DealBreaker] * The federal government has made legalized pot difficult for states. Now the burgeoning pot industry is lobbying Congress to change federal laws to make their jobs easier. Come on pols, it’s time to turn your “pro-business” rhetoric to action. [TaxProf Blog] * Republican master spin doctor Frank Luntz is looking into how the Washington Redskins could save their name. This all grows out of the efforts of George Washington Law Professor John Banzhaf (second link) to push the franchise to change its name by lobbying broadcasting regulators to penalize broadcasters for repeating the slur that passes for a mascot. [PR-Inside] * Pennsylvania Supreme Court Justice Seamus P. McCaffery is enjoying an FBI probe into the fact that his wife — and chief aide — earned massive referral fees for sending clients to personal injury firms while working for the court and skirting the rules established by the chief justice. Given the amounts involved, I clearly need to get into the referral business. [Philadelphia Inquirer] * I’ve given Texas a hard time over the last week, but the Texas Court of Appeals for the First District did a little to redeem themselves with this opinion citing legal luminaries Patsy Cline and Daft Punk. Full opinion after the jump. Relevant cites on Texas Courts. Check it out…

This isn't the first time something like this has happened, either.

Can you imagine how awful your bosses would be if they had athletic talent?

* Oh, and by the way, it’s not just Verizon that the NSA is spying on. It’s every major phone and internet provider, too. They must see an amazing amount of foreign pornography on video chat. [Guardian]

* The IRS is under siege over its conservative targeting scandal, and now a training video parodying Mad Men has surfaced with a focus on “customer service.” How incredibly ironic. [DealBook / New York Times]

* Francine Griesing, the woman who sued Greenberg Traurig for $200M over the firm’s so-called “boys’ club” (and later quietly settled), has tips for women who want to succeed in the law. [Am Law Daily]

* This ruling has to do with collecting fees following a law school clinic victory, but the key takeaway is that law students’ “time and effort still has monetary value.” Hear that, ABA? [National Law Journal]

* Rutgers Law-Camden is trying to recover from “an existential threat” after its class size unexpectedly dropped by more than 50 percent. But… that’s a good thing these days. [Philadelphia Business Journal]

* A judge dismissed Pennsylvania Governor Tom Corbett’s lawsuit against the NCAA for “fail[ing] to advance the ball.” How kind of her to entertain us with some football references. [Legal Intelligencer]

And no one knows what horror will erupt when the Bills GM gets on the phone.

* The Am Law 200 rankings are out, and the difference between the First Hundred and Second Hundred Biglaw firms has been described as “stark.” Check out who made the grade here. [American Lawyer]

* Many Biglaw attorneys are sharks, but at Crowell & Moring, a firm with a duck as its mascot, at least they’ve got hearts. They’re awaiting the birth of little ducklings outside of their office. [Washington Post]

* Spyfall, Round Two: General David Petraeus, of CIA and sex scandal fame, is joining private equity company KKR & Co. with Williams & Connelly advising on his employment agreement. [Am Law Daily]

* Want to know at which law school you’ll get the biggest bang for your buck? Want to see which law school is best at financial efficiency? You may be surprised at some of the schools on this list. [Morse Code / U.S. News & World Report]

* No, silly, he wasn’t being an antisocial gunner, he just wasn’t old enough to go to the bar with you. Harvard Law recently graduated one of its youngest African-American students ever. [Boston Globe]

* A legal Hail Mary? Joe Paterno’s family, former Penn State football players, and select members of the school’s board of trustees are suing the NCAA over its Sandusky sanctions. [Legal Intelligencer]

* A woman is suing MAC after she allegedly picked up the gift that keeps on giving from Rihanna’s lipstick: herpes! Chris Brown, don’t hurt me for implying it was from Rihanna. [New York Daily News]

A Florida personal injury lawyer takes out an ad begging the Jags to sign Tebow. Hopefully he's a better lawyer than these arguments suggest...

* A senior litigation associate at Paul Hastings, Ryan Nier, has decided to participate in something called the Death Race, and it has nothing to do with the drive for partnership. This Death Race is 50-mile mountain endurance/obstacle race that takes somewhere between 24 and 48 straight hours to finish. Only a handful complete the race every year, and Nier is determined to be one of them. From what we’re told, Paul Hastings has been entirely supportive of Nier, which is cool because he’s using it as an opportunity to raise money for charity. But who knows how supportive they’ll be when they realize he won’t have Blackberry access on top of the mountain for 48 hours. For more information about the Death Race, check out the website. [The Death Race] * Law student golfing across the U.S. So, I take it summer associate gigs are still scarce? [Golf.com] * “Guess What the Air Force’s Chief of Sexual Assault Prevention Was Just Arrested For…” Hard to top that headline. [Lowering the Bar] * Harper Lee suing over “To Kill a Mockingbird” (affiliate link), alleging that the son-in-law of her literary agent botched the copyright. *Insert cheap Atticus Finch joke here* [Washington Post] * Gigi Jordan case gets even uglier with misconduct charges flying around. [Thompson Reuters News & Insight] * Dr. Phil is suing Gawker alleging that the website posted a video of the pop psychologist’s interview with Manti Te’o, stifling ratings. So Dr. Phil thinks his audience strongly overlaps with Gawker’s. I’m incredulous. [Yahoo! Sports] * This is why an over-aggressive cease and desist letter can get you into more trouble. Enter the world of the “miniature war-gaming community.” [Popehat] * A guide to the questions applicants need to be able to answer at OCI. The best? “Describe a situation when you had to think on your feet to extricate yourself from a difficult situation.” This provides insight into how the applicant will deal with virtually every situation that ever comes up in Biglaw. [Ms. JD]

Rating the criminality of 20 years of NFL draft picks.