Lawsuit of the Day

Today, we wake up in a world where LeBron James is king. The best player in basketball and the Miami Heat closed out Kevin Durant and the Oklahoma City Thunder. Congratulations. Waking up to the reign of King James must be like living in Westeros in a world where Joffrey Baratheon is king. (That makes Dwyane Wade Cersei & Chris Bosh Lancel Lannister.)

Kevin Durant will be back. The supremely talented NBA scoring champion will get better from this, and I think he’ll win championships. On the basketball court.

In a court of law, Durant might not be as successful. Durant’s being sued for trademark infringement, and not by George Gervin. Many have compared Durant’s game to Gervin’s, but in terms of nicknames there is no contest. George Gervin was called the “Iceman,” because nicknames used to be cool and creative. Durant is often called simply “KD,” because younger sports fans don’t seem to know the difference between a nickname and an acronym.

Sometimes Durant is called “Durantula” because of his spindly length. That’s more of a word play than a nickname — and apparently it’s already taken. An 80s guitarist that you probably have never heard of claims that he trademarked the moniker “Durantula” years ago. Mark Durante is now suing Durant, his representatives, and Nike.

And the Durantula guitarist kind of has a point…

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Nadya Suleman aka Octomom

When it comes to Nadya Suleman, aka Octomom, we’ve only mentioned her in passing, and that’s probably because no one actually cares about the woes of a mother of 14 children (holy crap) — come on now, she doesn’t even have her own reality TV show. But it’s hard to feed so many mouths, so back in April, Suleman claimed that she would consider taking any job, as long as the price was right.

Unfortunately for Octomom, dignity was too costly an option. Instead, she’ll be starring in her own [link is quasi-NSFW] masturbation film — set for online release on June 20, and sadly not entitled “Octopussy.” And she’ll be stripping at a Florida venue the second week of July.

Well, she was supposed to show off her sexy C-section scars in mid-July, but she apparently decided to pull out of her contract. If only she hadn’t undergone in vitro fertilization, this would have been great joke fodder.

Now Suleman may be facing an epic lawsuit, but to be honest, we’re surprised that it took this long for someone to threaten to sue her….

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An unfortunate reality of the modern era seems to be that if you stick around creating online content long enough — doesn’t matter what it is — eventually, someone will decide to sue you. It makes no difference if you are a legal blogger or the creator of hilariously nerdy web comics.

Our inbox has been exploding the last few days with tips about The Oatmeal, a popular web comic, facing what appears to be a pretty absurd defamation lawsuit. The lawsuit in and of itself looks fairly spurious, but the best part is the author’s animated response.

Let’s take a look at our Potential Lawsuit of the Day, which serves as a good reminder that if you want to win an online argument, don’t get mad, get funny…

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No, noooooooo!

SPOILER ALERT! This post is significantly more scary than anything that happened in Prometheus.

Here’s a question for all you fantasy tort lawyers out there: what do you do if you own a possessed urinal? Is your duty of care lessened if you can established that your property is demonically possessed? Seriously, at what point does an evil toilet become an intervening factor that supersedes any alleged negligence on the part of a defendant?

All these questions and more might be answered in the case of Dejoie v. Arby’s. Kenneth Dejoie claims that a urinal at a Colorado Arby’s burned his genitals. Frankly, that’s at least as scary as an alien that has acid for blood….

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On these pages, we cover a fair number of lawsuits relating to female anatomy. Suits about women who say they were fired from their jobs for their stunning beauty (or, depending on your level of cynicism, their other intimidating feminine assets). But we less frequently write about lawsuits stemming from the male anatomy.

Today, we’re making up for lost time. This afternoon we have two stories about men who allegedly have trouble with properly managing their personal packages, thus causing varying degrees of trauma to themselves and people around them.

Are these suits sexy? NO. Are they crazy? Uh, yup. Salacious? Check. And no matter how one discusses these suits, it will sound like an awkward conversation with Tobias Fünke.

So, let’s check out our Lawsuits of the Day. And watch your step…

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You may remember that back in the summer of 2010, an attractive and curvaceous woman named Debrahlee Lorenzana sued Citibank for wrongful termination. Apparently Lorenzana was “too hot” — so hot, in fact, that she allegedly distracted other bankers from doing their jobs, resulting in her firing.

Just two years later, another woman claims that she was fired for similar reasons — her employers at a lingerie business allegedly told her she was “too hot” and that her breasts were “too large.” Now, we know what you must be thinking: how can one be “too hot,” or have breasts “too large” to work for a lingerie company?

Everything’s possible in New York, but we know that TTIWWOP — “This Thread Is Worthless Without Pictures.” We’ve got a few, plus a video….

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Tyrannosaurus bataar

If you are like me, “archaeologist” sounded like the coolest job in the world when you were a kid. You wanted to be Indiana Jones. You wanted to be Doctor Alan Grant.

At least until you figured out that being an archaeologist means sitting in a desert with a toothbrush wiping sand off of an ancient pile of poop.

But if you bury it in the sand, maybe in 1,000 years even your law degree might be worth something. Lawyers can have a great role to play in which artifacts end up in a museum for the world to see, and which end up in the private collection of some obscenely wealthy person.

And lawyers have a lot to say about which country the treasures of history end up in.

This weekend, a lawyer was on his own crusade to stop the sale of Tyrannosaur bones at auction. That’s right, we’ve got a Dinosuit on our hands. And just to add that international flair, the lawyer was representing the president of Mongolia….

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Dude. CHILL OUT.

Earlier this week, we learned about an epic departure memo sent to an allegedly terrible boss (or a great boss, depending on who you ask).

Well, it is turning out to be a bad week for all kinds of terrible bosses. On Wednesday, a senior in-house attorney at a global financial services firm was sued by his former secretary for gender discrimination and creating a hostile work environment. Or in layman’s terms, allegedly being an über-jerk, and then some. We have snippets from the suit after the jump, but first, quiz time:

According to the lawsuit, this in-house boss from hell allegedly flung which of the following at his hapless former secretary:

A) a cup of hot tea
B) yogurt
C) degrading verbal insults
D) all of the above

Answers, as well as some expletive-laden invective from the lawsuit, below….

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Cheating is never okay, right? That’s one central lesson all students are supposed to learn in elementary school (to say nothing of law school). It’s important to be honest. If a student lies or cheats on a test or homework, there are consequences. There’s nothing up for debate here, right?

Well, at least one northern California lawyer thinks it was unjust that his son was booted from an honors English class for plagiarizing. It appears the lesson he hopes to teach his son is: cheating is bad, but it’s more important that schools have crystal-clear academic honesty policies. He is suing his son’s school district, arguing that his son’s punishment does not fit his crime.

Keep reading to see more about our latest Lawsuit of the Day

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Riding a motorcycle is dangerous for a lot of obvious reasons. Namely, motorcycles, compared to other common modes of transport, come with an above-average risk of crashing and dying.

That said, when young men tell their parents they want to buy a motorcycle, their mothers’ frantic “please don’t buy one” speeches generally don’t include the risk of Motor Boner. One Bay Area bike dude (no, not this bike dude) allegedly has a pretty bad case, though. And that’s why he is suing the maker of his BMW motorcycle. Keep reading to learn more about this extraordinarily sensitive Lawsuit of the Day….

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