Police

This is really funny until you start crying.

Eric Garner's widow is probably making a mistake, but I understand.

Knowing how to properly deal with the police? There's an app for that.

Court of Appeals upholds fundamental right to shout at the police.

* Oh, the Onion… what would I do without you? Their take on gay marriage is masterful, as always. [Onion]

* Conservatives, troubled with the Supreme Court’s decision in Obergefell v. Hodges, vow to move to Canada. There’s only one teeny, tiny problem with their plan… about a decade in the making. [BuzzFeed]

* Of all the arrogant, jiggery-pokery, pure applesauce, Putsch! Find out exactly how Justice Scalia would mock you in this fun insult generator. [Slate]

* Some Alabama counties have come up with a crackerjack way to avoid marrying same sex couples. [Vox]

* The only way to get to today’s historical gay marriage case was to defeat the nomination of Judge Robert Bork, and Reagan aides always suspected this would happen. [Roll Call]

* For marriage equality fans with a sweet tooth. [Ben & Jerry’s]

* Surely you jest! Justice Scalia? Intellectually inconsistent to fit a political agenda? Pshaw. [BloombergView]

* A handy guide to today’s landmark SCOTUS decision. [Legal IO]

* News you can use: what is the legal status of cursing at cops? [The Marshall Project]

What on earth did this judge say to get him suspended?

* You cannot make this stuff up. The curious case of Rachel Dolezal, the former leader of the NAACP Spokane, Washington branch who resigned in disgrace after her parents made the revelation that Dolezal was white, gets weirder. The Smoking Gun has unearthed a lawsuit Dolezal filed (then known as Rachel Moore) against Howard University for, inter alia, racial discrimination. Yup, Dolezal claimed she just couldn’t make it as a white women.  [The Smoking Gun]

* Fresh off of the tragedy of Kalief Browder, the man who was held in Rikers for three years awaiting trial for stealing a backpack before the charges were dismissed, comes the case of Carlos Montero. Montero, arrested as a teenager, has been in Rikers for SEVEN YEARS waiting for his day in court. [New York Post]

* I mean, they’ve only worked together for 21 years and 10 months. Justice Antonin Scalia apologized from the bench yesterday after calling Justice Ginsburg Justice Goldberg. The apology seemed sincere, but Scalia played it cool with a quip about Justice Arthur Goldberg. [Supreme Court Brief]

* The Colorado Supreme Court ruled yesterday that an employer can fire an employee for medical marijuana use, legal under state law, since the use is still illegal under federal statutes. [Huffington Post]

* If your company finds themselves the victim of trade secret theft, is there an alternative to costly civil litigation? There just might be if you get the police involved. [Corporate Counsel]

Local police spring a prisoner and send him on a one-way trip out of state... despite a court order.

* Cue the Subway song: 130 Million. 130 Million Dollar. 130 Million Dollar Sandwich! [Law360]

* Lawyers who denigrate jury duty become inmates who denigrate jury duty. [Las Vegas Review-Journal]

* Vox gets into the business of opining on law school. It takes a decidedly more enlightened approach than Slate. [Vox]

* After arresting a guy for crack possession and figuring out it was really “cracker crumbs,” the cops charged the guy with obstruction because admitting you’re wrong is so passé. Thankfully the cooler heads of the judicial system prevailed and the guy is getting a $35,000 settlement for his troubles. Did he have Wheat Thins? Because I’m pretty sure those are crack. [NJ.com]

* Oil heir Al Hill III, whom we’ve previously described as, “by most accounts, the epitome of the spoiled rich kid you desperately want to punch,” owes his lawyers some money. Like $40.9 million worth. [Texas Lawyer]

* Crowdsourcing: Is this racist? Personally, I think no if specifically intended as a parody, but we’ll see. [What About Clients?]

* On Tuesday, June 23, David and Seventh Circuit Judge John Tinder will be discussing “Judging, Clerking, Ethics, and Ambition” in the context of Supreme Ambitions (affiliate link) at the Conrad Indianapolis at 50 West Washington. So, you know, swipe right if you’re excited about seeing Judge Tinder. Full details at the link.
[Federalist Society]

Ed. note: Above the Law will not be publishing on Monday, May 25, in observance of the Memorial Day holiday.

* The settlement deal between Target and Mastercard over the 2013 data breach is dead after failing to garner the requisite issuer support. Proposed settlement: $19 million. Years of protracted litigation: Priceless. [Credit Union Times]

* High school teacher who admitted she and another teacher had a threesome with a 16-year-old student got off — well, legally — with a slap on the wrist. Folks are starting to wonder if her dad being a sitting district judge had anything to do with that. [Times-Picayune]

* On a similar note, Mama June of Here Comes Honey Boo Boo… fame? Is she famous? Whatever. The point is Mama June is toying with suing the TLC Network because they canceled her show over a child molester, but haven’t nuked 19 Kids and Counting in the wake of its brewing molestation scandal. When you consider these hit shows starring inbred hillbillies with molestation issues, remember that TLC stands for “The Learning Channel.” [TMZ]

* Lawmakers pushing back against Governor Cuomo’s proposal to appoint an independent monitor to investigate police-related civilian killings. One skeptical State Senator proclaims, “What I do know is that it treats police officers different than other citizens.” Yes, because right now the police get the same kid gloves grand jury presentations the rest of us do. [Capital New York]

* Texas prosecuted 115,782 truancies in a year, levying hefty fines and doling out jail time to kids as young as 12. Well hello there prison-industrial complex! [Al Jazeera America]

* Are the Yankees and A-Rod gearing up for arbitration… or settlement? I don’t know, why wouldn’t you want to put a warm, likeable guy like him in front of a panel? [Concurring Opinions]

* Judges must be the loneliest people on social media… [The Daily Record]

* Merely complaining to your boss is enough to trigger anti-retaliation provisions according to the Second Circuit. So feel free to call up that partner you hate… [JD Supra]

* Former House Speaker Newt Gingrich isn’t the only politician who will be joining Dentons. After Dentons completes a merger with McKenna Long & Aldridge, former DNC Chair Howard Dean will also be working for the largest law firm in the world. YEEEAAAH! [The Intercept]

* Now that New York has adopted the Uniform Bar Exam, other states are considering it. Hurry up, because the UBE will “break down the long persistent barriers that keep lawyers from moving” — which isn’t a bad thing. [National Law Journal]

* In half a century of reproductive and gay rights cases, it’s worth noting that “arguments based on a right to privacy have tended to weaken and crack; arguments based on equality have grown only stronger.” Let’s see what SCOTUS does in June. [The New Yorker]

* All six of the Baltimore police officers who were arrested following the death of Freddie Gray have been indicted on homicide and assault charges. Despite the fact there’s now an indictment, the officers’ lawyers are calling the prosecution’s case weak. [New York Times]

* “Can you #trademark a #hashtag?” It’s somewhat of a tricky issue for people who are trying to register their marks at the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office, but these attorneys from IP powerhouse Morrison & Foerster have a pretty good explanation. [Law.com]

Judge settles sexual harassment case brought against him by his former court reporter; Elizabeth Wurtzel talks about Biglaw inefficiencies; Vermont has banned litigation financing for a year; Crowdfunding police abuse lawsuits...and more.

I feel like this is the best series of lawyer ads on YouTube

* UMass School of Law has a burgeoning deficit of $3.8 million, so instead of attempting to increase enrollment, the school has decided to cut its class size to 72 students. Hmm, we have a feeling those “cuts” aren’t intentional. [Boston Globe]

* Reddit’s Ellen Pao may have lost her gender discrimination case against Kleiner Perkins, but she sure as hell doesn’t want to pay the nearly $1 million in “grossly excessive and unreasonable” court costs that the venture-capital firm has requested. [WSJ Law Blog]

* It’s no shocker that members of the T14 have the most competitive LSAT scores in the country, but you may be surprised by which two schools had the absolute lowest median LSAT scores. Hint: Cooley isn’t one of them. [Short List / U.S. News & World Report]

* Baltimoreans will surely be pleased by this news: Officers in the Freddie Gray case filed a motion to get their charges dismissed, and have asked that State’s Attorney Marilyn Mosby recuse herself for her “overzealous prosecution” and conflicts of interest. [Baltimore Sun]

* Jury selection is complete for the criminal trial of failed firm Dewey & LeBoeuf’s former top brass. “It’s a very diverse jury,” with jurors ranging from members of the unemployed to day traders. Best of luck to Joel and the Steves — they may need it. [Am Law Daily]

* MVP? No, MVD! A UNH Law prof will teach a college course called “Deflategate: The Intersection of Sports, Law and Journalism” because a dean thought it would be a great way to use pop culture to hook undergrads on the law. [Chronicle of Higher Education]

These are the cops in your neighborhood.

There's far too much at stake when whole cities go up in flames due to perceived police misconduct not to make sure that when police are the alleged actors, some oversight of the grand jury is exercised.

* If you think the federal government is preparing a military takeover of Texas… you might be a redneck. And you might also be Governor Greg Abbott. [Forbes]

* Elie says it’s time to end the expansive powers of arrest, for the good of everyone. [New York Daily News]

* Most of the 2016 presidential hopefuls are breaking the law. It’s good practice for if they win. [LFC 360]

* Not to dismiss the important point made in this article about substandard housing and the dangers of lead paint, but I think there may be other lessons to learn from Freddie Gray. [Washington Post]

* Satanic Temples are taking this RFRA thing and running with it. [Jezebel]

* Over in the EU, Louis Vuitton failed to win back the trademark it claims on its checkerboard pattern. [Fashionista]

* I’ve not read this yet, but here’s a collection of Legal Notices To Superheroes. Per the description, “A Letter to Superman from United States Citizenship and Immigration Services” has a lot of promise. [Amazon (affiliate link)]

* And remember to vote for the winner of the 2015 ATL Law Revue contest. Voting concludes Sunday at 11:59 p.m. EST. [Above the Law]

Six officers will be charged in connection with the death of Freddie Gray.

Don't you feel safer knowing these people are serving the public?

* Hillary Clinton vows to end the era of mass incarceration. Just one of many things Bill Clinton left his mark on that she wishes you’d forget. [Huffington Post]

* Protesters arrested on Monday in Baltimore weren’t even charged until today and are being held functionally without bail. Because at this point the most important industry in Baltimore is “being the setting of The Wire: The Ride.” [Gawker]

* It’s cute when non-lawyers find out there was a person named “Learned Hand.” [io9]

* At 10:00am tomorrow, the Constitutional Accountability Center is live-streaming a panel, “Home Stretch at the Supreme Court.” Amy Howe of SCOTUSBlog is moderating and panelists include Yaakov Roth of Jones Day, Elizabeth Wydra Chief Counsel of CAC, and Paul Smith of Jenner & Block, who incidentally argued Lawrence v. Texas. [Constitutional Accountability Center]

* New York Law School has a beautiful building and have been renting out space to Rochester’s Business School to make a quick buck on the side. Now they’re going to offer joint programs with the business school, maybe their grads can find jobs in other fields. [Crain’s]

* Chief Justice Roberts doubted the marriage equality arguments, instead championing the importance of letting legislatures decide. Like, if the Senate passes a law unanimously we should respect that intent, right? Derp. [Lawyers, Guns & Money]

* From Amanda Devereux: 13 Things I Wish I Knew Before I Became a Lawyer. [Cosmopolitan]

* Everything you need to know about videotaping the police. [Concurring Opinions]