Quote of the Day

There are lots of forms of purchase and exchange that we criminalize, for example, buying sex. We don’t say if someone wants to purchase the services of a prostitute, well that is just an expression of their speech.

– Professor Jamie Raskin of American Law dropping logic bombs all over Citizens United. Professor Raskin — who is also a politician himself — goes on to explain that the Supreme Court’s jurisprudence offers zero explanation why bribery is illegal but unlimited donations are not.

Look, if I’ve got to get your eyes to my penis to see the problems with the nation, then so be it.

I want a major TV network. I want [a] 90-second spot on a major network during prime time. Yes, if you were from CNN and you said Anderson Cooper will air you tonight, I would pack up my signs and leave. Mission accomplished.

Brian Zulberti, in comments made to a reporter for the Washington Post, a publication that wasn’t worthy enough for him to eat. Zulberti is on day three of his Supreme Court hunger strike to raise awareness of social media firings.

This is the future. You need to titillate both ends, if you catch my drift. Don’t put the economic imperative right in my face. It’s all about the je ne sais quoi.

– a 61-year-old derivatives lawyer from Manhattan, gushing about Bliss Bistro, an underground, invite-only strip club/brothel. The cover charge is $40, and it costs $200 for 20 minutes to rent a private area, plus whatever the women charge for their “services.” One woman recently charged $400 for oral sex.

Biglaw = big a-hole?

[T]he experience [of working at Cahill Gordon & Reindel] tested my ethical compass, and it coarsened my behavior. I was sometimes a jerk in dealing with my adversaries. I was sloppy in accounting for my time. I managed to care deeply about whether associates at the firm across the street were making a few dollars more. I did almost no pro bono work.

Don’t get me wrong. You get excellent training at big law firms. Many of the lawyers there do good and honorable work. But the big firms are built on a set of ethical tensions.

Adam Liptak, the Supreme Court correspondent of the New York Times, offering commentary on his time spent in Biglaw in an article written for the Harvard Crimson. Liptak worked at Cahill from 1988 to 1992.

For the people who are enamored with the idea of the tax revenue from this, go to Colorado and see if you want to live there. See if you want to live in a major city in Colorado where there are head shops popping up on every corner. And people flying into your airport just to get high. You know, to me, it’s just not the quality of life we want to have here in the state of New Jersey, and there’s no tax revenue that’s worth that.

– Governor Chris Christie, responding to the growing movement to legalize marijuana in New Jersey. Christie is actually suggesting that people would choose not to live in this place rather than America’s cesspool. If for no other reason, Colorado wins because they have fewer traffic problems.

I was in it to kill it. I want to replace lawyers with code.

Tim Hwang, quoted in Kashmir Hill’s piece in the June 16th issue of Forbes, discussing his stint at Davis Polk.

Tech guru Hwang secretly attended law school at Boalt Hall just to score his seven-month gig at Davis Polk, which he spent planning a computer program to replace first-year attorneys by automating tasks like document review (shhhh — don’t tell him about predictive coding or anything like that). Hwang plans to release the program to firms FOR FREE this summer. Look out Biglaw, you’re being forced down the same road Sterling Cooper did with its fancy IBM 360. Watch out for severed nipples!

I want to do things people tell me I can’t. You don’t think I can do three years of law school? Watch me.

– Shaquille O’Neal. We already knew Big Aristotle was looking into a law degree, but now we know where he wants to go. Once the big man is finished taking the LSAT, he has his sights set on Georgia Tech, Georgia State, or John Marshall Law School. Shaq, your friends at ATL would recommend Georgia State. We’d be alright with Georgia Tech. But we would not recommend John Marshall. Let’s just say it’s the Kazaam of law schools.

UPDATE (3:00 p.m.): Maybe there’s a joke in there that was a tad too dry. Let’s just say there’s a reason why we — who advise against going to most law schools — would be “alright” with one of the law schools Shaq has mentioned because we don’t think he’d really end up going there.

[Shawn Carter aka Jay-Z] is one of the most prolific and hardest-working businessmen and recording artists in the world. This summer, among many other commitments, he is headlining a grueling 18-city North American concert tour with his wife, Beyoncé Knowles, between June 25 and August 6. With the tour opening fast approaching, the next four weeks are already filled beyond capacity with production and business meetings and rehearsals. Preparing for a stadium tour is a non-stop effort. And this is all in addition to Mr. Carter’s usual duties as the CEO of several businesses, at least two scheduled product launches, and curating a first-of-its-kind, bicoastal, music festival in August…. [S]cheduling an early deposition would unnecessarily burden and harass [Jay-Z].

Cynthia S. Arato of Shapiro Arato & Isserles, in a letter to Magistrate Judge Ronald L. Ellis (S.D.N.Y.), detailing her client’s unavailability for a deposition.

Arato represents UMG Recordings, Island Def Jam Music Group, Roc-A-Fella Records, and Jay-Z in a suit filed by Dwayne Walker, who claims he’s owed $7 million in contractual royalties for the use of a logo he allegedly drew in 1995. Walker is represented by one of most infamous lawyers to ever grace these pages: Gregory Berry, he of the “superior legal mind.” In her letter, Arato claims that Berry has made “improper efforts to sensationalize” the case.

(Keep reading to see the full letter, which really hangs Greg Berry out to dry.)

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Johnny Manziel (By: Thomas Campbell-USA TODAY Sports)

I have nightmares of [Johnny] Manziel; he needs sex therapy. Seeing Manziel with his small penis caused me psychological emotional distress. I had to see a psychologist because I have nightmares of Manziel’s penis.

– An excerpt from a lawsuit filed by “Samantha Schacher,” but more likely filed by Jonathan Lee Riches, better known in the legal community as America’s favorite serial litigant. Read some of his work here, here, and here.

(Keep reading to see the rest of this entertaining lawsuit.)

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Justice Sonia Sotomayor

Reason enough why no country should ever engage in the practice of Affirmative Action again. This could be the result. Where would she be if she didn’t hit the quota lottery? Here’s a hint: “Would you like to supersize that sir?”

– Florida Assistant State Attorney Kenneth Lewis, in a message expressing his love for Justice Sonia Sotomayor on Facebook. Lewis also posted messages suggesting that “crack hoes” get their tubes tied for Mother’s Day, and in support of Donald Sterling and the right to free speech.

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