When you are given an FBI BlackBerry, it’s for official use. It’s not to text the woman in another office who you found attractive or to send a picture of yourself in a state of undress. That is not why we provide you an FBI BlackBerry.
— Candice Will, Assistant Director for the FBI’s Office of Professional Responsibility, commenting on a “rash of sexting cases” detailed in an FBI disciplinary report.
(After taking a look at this report, the Federal Bureau of Investigation ought to consider changing its name to Frat Bros International. Let’s check it out.)
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This report was sent out to FBI employees in an effort to deter antics that could bring the agency into disrepute — and when we say “antics,” we of course mean taking nude selfies on government-issued phones:
And alas, it seems that paying for a happy ending at a massage parlor is frowned upon:
The punishment for buying a “sexual favor” is only four days longer than the punishment for taking pictures of your junk and forcing your coworkers to look at them. To be honest, we aren’t that surprised. After all, you can bang a would-be terrorist and keep your job at the CIA, so what’s a little happy ending here or there?
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There’s a lesson to be learned here, folks: when it comes to misconduct in the FBI, go big or go home.
(You can see the full disciplinary report on the next page.)