Drinking, Politics

The Official Lawyer's Guide To Getting Drunk Watching Donald Trump Debate

You didn't want to watch tonight's festivities sober, did you?

By  
on

Tonight, America will tune into Fox News to witness an orgy of canned puffery about lowering taxes and union busting against the backdrop of a human cartoon character hurling raw meat to an adoring crowd. Just like the Founders intended. And you will want to get bleary-eyed drunk while it happens.

Just like the Founders intended.

For the record, tonight’s debate at 9 p.m. Eastern includes the 10 polling frontrunners according to an objective formula that is in no way suspicious for placing Ohio Governor and VP frontrunner John Kasich in this field despite absolutely no one supporting him. Thus, tonight’s stage features: Donald Trump, Jeb Bush, Scott Walker, Mike Huckabee, Ben Carson, Ted Cruz, Marco Rubio, Rand Paul, Chris Christie, and John Kasich. Meanwhile, you can double your pleasure, double your fun by tuning in at 5 p.m. Eastern to watch the sad demise of the political careers of Rick Perry, Rick Santorum, Bobby Jindal, Carly Fiorina, Lindsey Graham, George Pataki, and Jim Gilmore. At least that’s who Fox invited to the GOP JV debate — someone might exhibit a burst of pride and skip out. Santorum is particularly salty over being left out. Some commentators are upset that Rick Perry is left out while Trump made the cut because somehow “oops” is more inspiring than anything Trump says.

I’ve composed some drinking games in the past, but this one could be the most dangerous yet. All the bats**t crazy stuff that usually earns a “finish your drink” instruction because we all know “it’ll never really come up” might really come up tonight. That’s what you get when one guy in the debate worships at the altar of the Lord of Chaos. GOP strategist John Weaver perfectly captured the challenge of tonight’s festivities when he tweeted: “Imagine a NASCAR driver mentally preparing for a race knowing one of the drivers will be drunk. That’s what prepping for this debate is like.”

Here now are your official lawyerly rules for drinking your way to sweet oblivion tonight. Take a sip when mentioned unless otherwise instructed:

The Constitution — And of course its corollary that something (everything?) President Obama has done is unconstitutional.

Any Constitutional Amendment — As a bonus, finish your drink if it’s not the First, Second, Fourth, or Tenth Amendments. Republicans don’t have much affinity for the rest of those pesky amendments, but you never know when Rand Paul might go on a tirade about quartering troops.

Sponsored

Anyone (and we mean Trump) questions Cruz’s eligibility to be president — Cruz was born in Canada.

Strict construction — Take a sip of exactly 1.5 oz.

Name-checking Supreme Court justices — The Supreme Court will likely work its way into conversation and we can’t have you drinking every time 16 candidates address a Supreme Court question. So let’s limit this to when an individual justice is mentioned by name.

King v. Burwell — When ranting about the evils of Obamacare, if a candidate cites the decision by name, nod approvingly and take your sip.

Someone pronounces “Obergefell” correctly — Yeah, right.

Sponsored

Citizens United — Finish your drink. Republicans don’t like to talk about this case much, but here’s where the Trump factor comes in.

Any other Supreme Court decision — Finish your drink. As I noted in a previous edition of debate drinking, “Look, I didn’t think Dred Scott was going to come up in a debate in 2004. That’s why you have this rule.” And the Koch brothers have a strong commitment to indigent defense… maybe Gideon could come up? Because… puppets.

Someone mentions George W. Bush — Finish your drink. Look around the house for weapons of mass destruction. Open a new drink. Become a weapon of mass destruction.

Jeb Bush willingly mentions George W. Bush — Do nothing. This didn’t happen — you have alcohol poisoning and are hallucinating. Call poison control.

Camera lingers on Rubio drinking water —

Any candidate mentions legal credentials — Ted Cruz, Marco Rubio, Chris Christie, Rick Santorum, Jim Gilmore, George Pataki, and Lindsey Graham are all lawyers.

Ben Carson goes a whole 5 seconds before mentioning that he’s a doctor — Screw your fancy medical degree.

Chris Christie reminds us he was a prosecutor — One of Chris Christie’s favorite tactics for bullying his way out of questions he can’t answer is to loudly proclaim that he’s a former prosecutor.

Chris Christie says he ran a tight ship as a prosecutor — Finish your drink and nervously avoid eye contact with David Lat for five minutes.

Loretta Lynch — Past Republican debates loved to hate on Eric Holder. Does Loretta Lynch generate the same ire?

Hillary’s Emails — Speaking of prosecutors, a good drunk is sipping every time a candidate pledges to prosecute Hillary’s latest outrage that no one seems to care about.

Benghazi — Or this one that already flopped in 2012, but now it has a terrible Michael Bay movie.

Whitewater — Oh, remember the 90s?

Vince Foster — Finish your drink. Go for a walk in the park. Seriously, will Trump accuse Hillary of murder? It could happen!

Rand Paul’s campaign indictments — This. In the words of Rick Perry, “oops.”

Trump’s bankruptcies — For a guy running on his business acumen, he sure has a lot of failed projects where he left everyone else holding the bag. Will anyone go here? Will he have a devastating response prepared? If you come at the king…

Trump’s divorces — For a party ostensibly based on family values, Trump seems to be getting a big pass on his divorces.

Jeb’s wife busted by U.S. Customs — Time to get tough on the border! Unless it’s trying to cheat the government over thousands of dollars in jewelry.

Chalking up civil rights to “having friends who are ______” — Classic.

Huckabee refers to his black friends — That’s a sip.

You realize he’s talking about Elie — Finish your drink. Spend the rest of the night watching this to The Bodyguard soundtrack.

Jade Helm — Drop everything. Move to Canada.

Topics

, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,