Back In The Race: Networking When You Hate People

I never heard of the term “networking” when I was in high school or college. This may be because the teachers (and possibly our parents) wanted us to spend less time going to parties and more time studying so we could get into a good college or graduate school. Since I opted to go law school, my college guidance counselors told me to focus solely on doing well on the LSAT (and to try and change the subject whenever my GPA came up).

I first learned about networking in law school, right around the time when I (and many others at my school) stormed into the career services office to ask when the firms we interviewed with at OCI would call us back. The staff made it sound like it was a secret method that they did not want to share with the snobby honors students. And they made it sound easy enough to do: go to as many networking events as possible, prepare a canned and rehearsed elevator speech and pitch it to as many people as possible, listen to everyone you meet hoping that they say something, anything you can connect with, and follow up by offering to buy coffee or a meal. And they finished by telling us anecdotal stories of alumni who networked relentlessly to get those rare, unadvertised, hard to find jobs.

But after going to two or three of these networking events, I realized that I was going to hate it. First, I felt forced to go, so it didn’t put me in the most pleasant or talkative mood. Second, a lot of these events cost money to attend. Now paying $60 for cover, subway and drinks doesn’t seem too bad for one night. But if you do this several times per week, it can get really expensive. And don’t get me started on the hangovers. Finally, it seemed like many of the people who attended were in the same predicament that I was in, and we were all hunting for the few people who could help. And who says competition is only in the classroom?

So fast forward a few months later, after going to what seemed like endless networking events, socials, mixers, meetups, birthday parties, churches, temples, mosques, conferences, charity events, and bar association meetings. While I met a lot of good people (and my fair share of egotistical jerks), I didn’t feel like I established a strong connection with them.

I began to wonder what went wrong. Since back then it was still faux pas to blame others, the lack of jobs and the economy, I was trying to figure out why I wasn’t connecting with the people I met. I knew that establishing relationships takes time, but I did not feel like I was making any progress.

And to be honest, I hated having the same canned conversations with everyone I met, only to collect a stack of business cards that I will end up either throwing away or chucking into a lingerie store’s business card drop box. They were somewhat bearable if the person I was talking to was decent-looking.

And the more I began to learn about how to network, I hated it even more. I hated the idea of asking someone to use their social capital to help. I also hated the idea of doing something for someone else for the purpose of a possible future benefit. It felt like I was using people.

Notice that I used the word “hate” a lot? At first I began to think that I was bad at networking because I hated people. I don’t mean that in an anti-social, sadistic, or criminal way. It also doesn’t mean I’m shy or introverted. I just hated trying to sell something people didn’t need yet.

The idea of networking is to establish professional relationships with people, although not necessarily be friends with them, which can also backfire. But it’s a lot more than just going to a party, giving elevator speeches, and exchanging contact information. There’s a reason why it’s called netWORKing.

Over the years, I have heard the generic networking advice that may or may not work. The worst of these has to be “be yourself.” For some people, “being themselves” means being arrogant jerks. I suppose these so-called alphas enjoy each others’ company to battle over who is the bigger prick.

Others say to work to establish a deep relationship as soon as possible in order to establish trust. This is also not necessarily true. I have many acquaintances who don’t hang out with me on a regular basis but think of me first when referring clients. I established these types of relationships typically by seeing these people over and over again.

Another questionable piece of advice is to let the other person talk and just listen. This seems to appeal to introverts. There are two problems with this approach. First, if both people are shy, then it can get awkwardly quiet very quickly. Second, this invites others to drone on and on about the most boring minutiae of their jobs and their lives. For example, a number of Biglaw attorneys try to impress me by saying that they work in finance, corporate or banking. Then they proceed to tell me about the exciting work of writing memos about Subsection (a)(21)(ZZ)(xxiii)-7.24 of the Omnibus Anti Paper Churning Act Regulations. Most solos and small firm attorneys don’t have the client base that would find that kind of expertise worth paying for.

Thankfully, even for most introverts, networking tends to get easier with practice. I think people have to learn how to talk to people, and not expect immediate results.

Like most negative-sounding words, I think that networking should be rebranded to make it sound more palatable. The word networking sounds like something even an IT engineer hates to do. It also doesn’t help that networking contains the word “work” in it. Maybe networking should be replaced with something like Meeting Industry Leaders and Friends (MILF). Or Partying with a Professional Purpose (PPP).

Second, I began to accept the fact that everyone is at a networking event for a selfish reason. But being selfish does not mean a mutually beneficial relationship is impossible.

Finally, when it comes to helping people, it is best to make the first move. But you don’t need to make some grand, altruistic sacrifice to someone you don’t know with the hopes he will return the favor one day. It is more likely than not that it may never happen. I found that a lot of the time, multiple small gestures of generosity work just as well.

To make a long story short, networking does not mean following a canned script. You have to be able to adapt to the environment and the people you interact with. There are many articles on how to network so find a method that fits your personality and makes you comfortable. But don’t be afraid to come out of your comfort zone. Learn how to talk to people with various personalities and try to be helpful in small, inexpensive ways. Don’t take it personally if you think you screwed up. And most importantly, have fun doing it.

So it looks like I don’t hate people after all. Chances are, neither do you.

---

Shannon Achimalbe was a former solo practitioner for five years before deciding to sell out and get back on the corporate ladder. Shannon can be reached by email at [email protected] and via Twitter: @ShanonAchimalbe.