You’re not that great, hotshot.
Ed. Note: This is an open letter crafted while watching a fifth-year associate from Biglaw World out of their element at a small town deposition.
Dear fifth-year associate they sent from Biglaw World to do this deposition:
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Yes, I am the second youngest person in this room besides you. However, that I live in a smaller city does not mean your five years of experience are more valuable than my eight. Years at Biglaw firm are not dog years. I mean, while you may feel valued like a dog — not one of those froufrou dogs that fits in purses — your four years preparing statements of material facts to be reviewed by two layers of partners do not make you a better lawyer.
Also, practicing law is not professional baseball. That is to say, I live here because this is where I want to live. I am not somehow stuck wallowing in Double A while you are up there in the show. I don’t want to work there, in no small part because it would mean working with or in close proximity to you. Also, to the extent baseball and law are analogous, I am starting every day at Third Base while you get to pinch run once a week. And if this deposition is any indication of your relative skill, you just got thrown out at third by two steps in a 10-0 game.
Oh, sweet Jesus. Now you’re making speaking objections. This is not a parliamentary debate competition! You are not being judged for your capacity to worthlessly bloviate.
Well, I mean, that’s not entirely true. We, the other five attorneys at this table, we’re judging you. And we don’t like you. We have spent significant amounts of time forging a collegial bar. We like and respect each other. To the extent we make speaking objections, they are short and serve a discreet purpose. You, on the other hand, are still talking. That means that one of us is going to have to remind you of the rules of civil procedure… well, here I go.
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Atticus T. Lynch, Esq. is an attorney in Any Town, Any State, U.S.A. He did not attend a top ten law school. He’s a litigator who’d like to focus on Employment and Municipal Litigation, but the vicissitudes of business cause him to “focus” on anything that comes in the door. He can be reached at [email protected] or on Twitter