My name is Atticus T. Lynch[1], I am an attorney in Any Town, Any State, U.S.A. Through this column I intend to represent the work and practice of the hundreds and thousands of attorneys in this country who did not attend a top-ten law school, who do not work at national or international law firms, who due to the realities of business do not have the opportunity to specialize, and who do not live in cities (or towns for that matter) able to undertake branding or marketing schemes based on their IATA airport code or whose zip codes and/or area codes have been referenced by an M.C. with at least a gold or platinum album.
Contrary to the opinion of many (some of whom write and read this website), we are productive members of society and are, for the most part, skilled and capable practitioners of the law. In my stories, I will change names (and some details) to protect innocent and guilty alike, but the stories will be on the whole fundamentally factual.
One of the joys of smaller town practice is the opportunity to litigate against pro se, or the now fashionable non-Latin moniker, Self-Represented Litigants. A few years ago, I represented a client who had been terminated from his employment at a motel that would make the Timberline Lodge look like the Taj Mahal (not the Donald J. Trump Atlantic City nightmare, the one in India). The owner and operator of the motel had a tendency to engage in wage and hour practices that were less than savory (e.g. having employees clock in prior to starting their work and/or clock out prior to finishing their work; allotting hours in one week to another to avoid paying overtime, etc.). We sued on several counts, the state statutory claim being most important as it provided attorney’s fees. The motel and motel owner defaulted as to liability but the owner was pro se contesting damages.
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Because the motel was insolvent, I was left in the challenging position of proving the amount of my client’s damages against the owner without the benefit of having any of the documents to do so. In an effort to obtain records and useful testimony, I noticed the owner’s deposition and sought production of documents. The owner failed to show up for the deposition or provide the requested documents. I moved for contempt. On a Friday afternoon at around 3 PM, I received a voicemail. The voice sounded like what I imagine John Belushi’s character from Animal House would have sounded like had he aged 40 years. The following is a rough paraphrasing of his voicemail:
Hello? Hello? Can you hear me? This message is for… Mr. attorney sir Mr. Lynch, this is Attorney Baylor I represent [muffled and speaking to someone away from the phone] what is the name again? I represent Mr. Linus of the Linus Motel [2]. You know what, I don’t know where you get off. This whole thing is illegal, and you better cut it out, because I know about your client and he just better just cut it out or else we’re going to sue you and, another thing, you didn’t put the charges in this motion thing, so it’s illegal. So I’ll have your badge and a bundle of money. Good night!
Suffice it to say, I was skeptical that “Attorney Baylor” was indeed an attorney. I googled “Attorney Baylor” and “[name of town where the motel is]”, nothing. I checked the State Bar Directory, the only Baylor was a female attorney whom I know. This wasn’t her. So, I called back. Appropriately, “Attorney Baylor” had called from the Linus Motel.
Again, my rough paraphrasing:
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Me: Hello, this is Attorney Lynch, I am calling for Attorney Baylor.
Defendant: Yes, that’s my lawyer, let me tell you what he was trying to say…
Me: I’m sorry, our ethics rules preclude me from speaking to you if you are represented, and Mr. Baylor has indicated to me that he is your attorney, so I need to speak with him.
Defendant: Oh, but well…he’s not…he’s kind of…wait, hold on…
[A significantly more intoxicated than on his voicemail, during which he was obviously intoxicated] Attorney Baylor: Hello, what, I mean who is this?
Me: Attorney Lynch, you just left me a voice message.
Attorney Baylor: Oh you, I’ll tell you what, this is all illegal, you’re a…this is all illegal.
Me: I’m not sure what you mean sir.
Attorney Baylor: That’s cause you’re a dumb dumb, here I’ll have Mr. Linus[3] tell it to you.
Me: Sir, as an attorney you know I can’t speak to your client unless you provide me authority to do so, which I don’t think is advisable since you’re on the phone with me right now. I’m surprised I haven’t run into you before, what is your first name?
Attorney Baylor: I don’t have to tell you that, I don’t have to tell you anything!
Me: Well, I would assume you will be providing your first name when you file your opposition to our Motion for Contempt.
Attorney Baylor: No, I won’t.
Me: That will be pretty difficult, what’s your bar number?
Attorney Baylor: My what?
Me: Your Bar Number, every licensed attorney in the state has one, what is yours?
Attorney Baylor: You should know, you just called it?
Me: [silence]
Attorney Baylor: Haha, got you now!
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t understand what you mean.
Attorney Baylor: You called the number, didn’t you?
Me: That’s a phone number, not a Bar Number. Are you actually an attorney sir?
Attorney Baylor: Goddamned right I am! Been practicing here for over 40 years.[4]
Me: I would assume then that you would be able to distinguish between a bar number and a telephone number.
Attorney Baylor: Go fuck yourself! [dialtone]
I never again heard from “Attorney Baylor,” he filed no opposition to the Motion for Contempt, nor did he file a Motion to Withdraw. His client did not retain another attorney. We will, however, always have that Friday afternoon and I will forever have the joy of litigating against litigants who represent themselves and the drunk guys who claim to represent them.
[1] It’s not really. Though I am certain that some hipster couple(s) in Brooklyn, Seattle, or other such space has (have) already named their child(ren) Atticus T. Lynch, and (s)he (they) will be graduating from Law School in approximately 2036.
[2] This was not the Defendant’s name. Not because I have changed the name, which I have, but because he did not know the name of the person whom he claimed to be representing. It was, however, the name of the motel.
[3] Again, not his name.
[4] Apparently ever since graduating from Faber College.
Atticus T. Lynch, Esq. is an attorney in Any Town, Any State, U.S.A. He did not attend a top ten law school. He’s a litigator who’d like to focus on Employment and Municipal Litigation, but the vicissitudes of business cause him to “focus” on anything that comes in the door. He can be reached at [email protected] or on Twitter.