Law Schools, Sexism, Women's Issues

A Woman Lawyer's Hard Lesson: You Can't Have It All

Women become sandwiched between the rock of the family and the hard place of the career, and career is easier to relinquish than family.

By Elizabeth E. Berenguer  
on

Businesswoman Having a Bad Day at The OfficeEd. note: This column is part of Law School Transparency’s podcast mini-series about women in the law. This week’s theme is the legal profession’s leaky pipeline. Learn more here.

“They lied to us. They told us we could have it all, but that’s not true. Women cannot have it all.”

My mentor, a wildly successful criminal defense lawyer in Florida, uttered these words one evening as we sat in her kitchen. She was describing the pain of giving up her dreams of being a mother and a wife to pursue justice for the last 30 years.

That conversation took place early in my career, and I was skeptical. But eight years later, married and a mother, I learned she was right. Running my own firm and fighting for justice did not leave enough time, energy, or gumption for mothering. So, I gave up a thriving practice to become a law professor, a career more flexible and less emotionally taxing.

A few years later, I relocated to my home state to teach at another law school. As I planned the move, I contacted an old friend from law school for insight into the legal community there. I was astonished to learn that she gave up practicing because, as the wife of the managing partner at a premiere firm, she was expected to not work. She even warned me that I would never be accepted in the community as a working mother because women lawyers are expected to work only until they have babies. At most, they can then be “mommy lawyers” who research and write for male lawyers.

Unfortunately, I have found her statements to be all too true. Just weeks ago I heard a genteel Southern lawyer degrading “mommy lawyers.” Another lawyer recently lamented his decision to hire a young woman lawyer who now intends to marry and move away, even though her career is more prestigious and less transportable than his. Personally, I also have felt family and social pressures to change my career yet again for the sake of remaining close to family.

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All too often, women adjust or give up their careers altogether for the sake of the family, but men rarely, if ever, make the same sacrifice. It would be convenient to wholly blame the patriarchy for establishing an infrastructure that has historically protected men but is unyielding to the needs of women. After all, women lawyers would find it easier to balance family needs if their jobs offered more flexibility. The reality of practice, though, is that most lawyers cannot control their schedules. Courts, clients, and statutory deadlines dictate a rigorous schedule equally applicable to both men and women.

The schedule forces lawyers to choose how they spend their time — and it is less culturally acceptable for women to choose work over family. As the traditional breadwinners, men are expected to focus on their careers and provide financial stability for the family. It would be abnormal for a woman to do the same, however, so they feel guilty and experience social and familial pressure to sacrifice their careers.

In today’s market, many firms consciously offer flexibility and increased opportunities for women lawyers. Women who choose flex schedules, however, often struggle to advance their careers because they cannot meet the expectations of full-time work output. Additionally, in many areas, hiring women lawyers is considered risky because of the likelihood women will leave practice after just a few years.

Women, it seems, may even be our own worst enemy. We have accepted that we can indeed become anything, but only until we get married and start a family, milestones which remain the hallmark of an accomplished woman’s life. We pressure each other and ourselves to be the finest mother and wife, no matter the cost. We don’t ask the men in our families to make the same sacrifices we make by giving up or changing careers. Even if we do ask, the men in our lives are often unwilling to consider sacrificing for us. Women become sandwiched between the rock of the family and the hard place of the career, and career is easier to relinquish than family.

In the end, we see that we cannot have it all. So, we make our exits and trust male lawyers to fill the gaping holes we leave.

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Elizabeth E. Berenguer is a law professor at Campbell University School of Law.

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