Money. Sex. And Falls From Grace.

Ha!

It’s my birthday!

As I know from sad past experience, no one clicks through to celebrate with me when I’m honest. If I had told you in my title that I’m writing to celebrate another anniversary at Above the Law, you wouldn’t have bothered reading this.

But if I lie . . . . Now, that’s a different story! So, once a year every November, I gin up the sexiest title imaginable to bait you into clicking through and celebrating with me.

This year, I did my homework. I searched to see what attracts eyeballs at Above the Law and included all three of those subjects in my clickbait headline: Money (particularly Cravath going to $180K); sex (no links here; this is a respectable column); and falls from grace — generally, partners at large law firms embarrassing themselves publicly (once again, no links here; I work for the world’s leading insurance broker for law firms, and I’d be nuts to offend potential clients).

(Frankly, when I look at readership numbers, it surprises me that you clicked through more often to read about money than to read about sex. Maybe hard-core readers, so to speak, look elsewhere on the web to satisfy their predilections.)

I started this column in November 2010, when many of my current readers had not yet been born entered law school.

In November 2011, when I turned one, I honestly titled my anniversary column, “Happy Birthday To Me!” And I basically celebrated alone that year; no one clicked through. (To mark that milestone, I identified the best — and worst — columns that I’d written in a year of blogging. Even my honesty about the quality of my lesser works wasn’t enough to draw a crowd.)

Frankly, I don’t remember the year I turned two. And even Google doesn’t identify a birthday post for that year. Maybe we didn’t celebrate in 2012. Or maybe we celebrated too much. Either way, I don’t remember.

I did publish in book form a collection of my columns — and your comments — in 2012: Inside Straight: Advice About Lawyering, In-House And Out, That Only The Internet Could Provide. (It ain’t selling like The Curmudgeon’s Guide, but it does okay.) I liked the column in which I asked you to suggest a subtitle for the book (before the book was published, naturally), and one of you suggested, “Inside Straight: The Annoying Ramblings of an Uber Douche.” I still chuckle.

Anyway, I thought briefly about stopping this column then, having created something that felt like a finale. But no: For better or worse, I persevered.

By the time my third birthday rolled around, I’d gotten smart. I titled that column, “Join An Online Celebration!” I really did my best to entertain you there. I provided a link to a website of people telling jokes. And a link to another website that has a great geography game, tempting you to fritter away hours. But inviting you to join an online celebration wasn’t enough to entice thousands of you to click through to my personal celebration.

So I changed strategies.

By the time I turned four, “How Senior Partners Cheat” was my most widely-read column of all time. So I titled my 2014 birthday column, “3 More Ways Senior Partners Cheat”, figuring I’d go with a known quantity. And that worked pretty well; it enticed a fair number of you. I used that column to catalogue the tragedies, the histories, and the comedies that I’d produced in four years of writing. (In case you’re interested, “How Senior Partners Cheat” is no longer my most widely-read column. “4 Ways Associates Screw Up” now holds that title, with more than 80,000 pageviews.)

Last year, I titled my birthday column, “The 10 Best Online Columns Of All Time . . . “ Anyone who fell for my con — and clicked through — didn’t get links to the ten best online columns of all time, but rather to the ten best columns of all time written by yours truly. (Frankly, one or two of those ten are pretty good, if I do say so myself.)

I see that the “comments” appended to that fifth anniversary column didn’t contain too many people congratulating me on my longevity. The comments turned instead to the possibility of having sex with a bagel bite. (I’m not kidding.) And you wonder why Lat turned off the comments? I miss you guys, but really . . . .

Now I’m six.

Heaven help me.

I’ve written something like 400 columns — two per week for my first two years, and one a week since then. You’ve clicked through to read this stuff something north of 3.5 million, and probably south of 4 million, times. (Next year, I’ll stop counting and just go the McDonald’s route: Billions and billions of readers!)

After all that time, you’re still with me. (I guess that’s tautological. If you’re reading these words, you’re still with me. If you’re not reading these words, why am I trying to talk to you?)

In any event: Thank you for reading. And for commenting (back in the day). And for sending me emails, and linking to things that provoked you, and otherwise joining the conversation.

You’re what makes it all worthwhile.

You, and the cake, of course. Have a slice on me. After all, it’s my birthday.

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Mark Herrmann spent 17 years as a partner at a leading international law firm and is now responsible for litigation and employment matters at a large international company. He is the author of The Curmudgeon’s Guide to Practicing Law and Inside Straight: Advice About Lawyering, In-House And Out, That Only The Internet Could Provide (affiliate links). You can reach him by email at [email protected].