“I have just enough money budgeted until I am 85, but am now concerned since I’ve gotten in better health, I may live longer. I’m not sure my current savings, pension and Social Security will last my entire life if I live past 100.”
— Steven Kaplan, a lawyer with a $316,000 contract with the Philadelphia Department of Human Services, who put up a GoFundMe page seeking help “flying back and forth to my condo every weekend.” The Philadelphia Inquirer makes some snide pearl-clutching about Kaplan asking for this ostentation gift after how much he’s made from the city, but this is clearly a joke. Lighten up.

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For the record, Kaplan has raised $17 so far, allowing him to live approximately 9 seconds past his 85th birthday.