Law Schools

Columbia Law Vegans Are Probably Discriminated Against, And I Assume Delicious

Dietary discrimination is the new black... for white people, I guess.

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Would you kill me if I was able to look sad? (Photo by Deb Lindsey For The Washington Post via Getty Images)

Let’s start with the basics: you must be ensconced in a bulbous cocoon of economic “privilege” to have self-imposed “dietary restrictions.” I’m not necessarily talking about food allergies — though the evolutionary biology that produces people with food allergies who aren’t starved out of the gene pool is itself a product of homo sapiens’ success. There are people with real problems, BUT… self-imposed restrictions are not “real” problems.[1] Being able to choose to NOT EAT something because of your God or your morality is the OG of #FirstWorldProblems.

I firmly believe that I could lock 50 vegetarians in an igloo for the winter, and when I came back in the spring, half of them would have eaten the other half. Dietary restrictions are a social construct. Under even mild natural pressure, they’d fall away.

That said, if you can accommodate people with dietary restrictions, sure. Whatever. When I cook-out, I buy veggie burgers or whatever, just in case a Vegetable American shows up. Making people feel welcome is just a little drizzle of awesomesauce in a world that is too cruel and unkind.

Just as long as we all understand that nobody is entitled to their personal dietary randomness at every possible public gathering. An accommodation is a nice thing a host should do. But the tyranny of moral dietary entitlement needs to end. Here’s the conversation everybody needs to be prepared to have:

Gastronomically Superior Individual: “Thank you for this lunch I played no part in hunting, gathering, preparing, or presenting. But, it doesn’t match my personal dietary needs.”
Homo Sapiens Sapiens: “…”
Gastronomically Superior Individual: “So… I was wondering if maybe next time you could include an ‘I only eat root shavings, blessed by Vishnu, on the first eight Tuesdays after the equinox’ option?”
Homo Sapiens Sapiens: “Oh. I See. Okay, here’s the thing: we do Sloppy Joes on Tuesdays and, frankly, if you decide to starve to death while LITERALLY SURROUNDED BY FOOD, I’m as likely to add you to the canned meat seasoning as I am to care. But, thanks for your suggestion.”

Clear as I can tell, somebody at Columbia Law School had this very conversation with people at an event. But, doing it my way evidently pissed off the vegan mafia and, somehow, it was elevated to the concern of the Environmental Law Society. Environmentalists, generally, care about vegan issues, because food sustainability is a thing. I don’t know the stats on how many acres of forest have to be chopped down to plant the grass that will feed the delicious cow I will eat for dinner, but I’m told it’s “a lot.” Environmentalists have done a better job of convincing me that eating meat is “bad” than holier-than-thou vegetarians, so now I’m comfort-eating my bacon cheeseburger because I feel really bad about the Earth.

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In any event, the Environmental Law Society decided to get all up in… Vegangate. I’ve redacted and replaced the names:

Dear Environmental Law Society affiliates,

In response to a few of you reaching out about the lack of availability of vegan options at some Student Services events and at Block Party, and about the belittling comments received when asking for them, your ELS presidents scheduled a meeting with and spoke with [Student Leaders who should be studying] last week.

While [Future Democrat Who Will Lose To A Republican Who Shoots Ducks On Television] promised that the lack of vegan options was an oversight and that it would not happen again, we would like to ensure that this promise is kept. Please let us know at ‘els@columbia.edu’ if this problem arises again, and we will ensure that this issue is dealt with.

In response to the belittling and demeaning comments received by vegans and vegetarians in our community, ELS would like to publicly express our support for vegan and vegetarian lifestyles, and reiterate that we are here to assist you with your concerns regarding environmental issues. Persons should not be treated with derision for their dietary choices, and should not be discriminated against by Columbia Law School Staff or Student Senate Representatives.

If you would like to discuss with us the contents of this email, or any other issues you are having relating to this problem, please reach out to us at ‘els@columbia.edu’.

Stay Green,
The Environmental Law Society Board

“Persons should not be treated with derision for their dietary choices, and should not be discriminated against by Columbia Law School Staff or Student Senate Representatives.” This is an amazing sentence. It takes a position that I think nearly everybody would support, and somehow puts it in a way where my visceral reaction is to want to strike a vegan with a bat made out of ham.

You are not DISCRIMINATING against vegans by finding their dietary needs annoying, laughable, or quarrelsome. You’re not DISCRIMINATING against vegans by OFFERING THEM A SLIM JIM. Christ ALIVE… in transubstantiatied meaty form… there is real DISCRIMINATION AND BIGOTRY out here in this world. You people are going to be lawyers. We need you on the FRONT LINES stopping the government from discriminating against people based on the color of their skin, not the roughage in their intestines.

Sources report that the person who heard the “belittling comments” wasn’t even themselves a vegan, just a concerned law student who didn’t want to see vegans… discriminated against. I haven’t been able to corroborate that report but I can’t even DEAL with its implications. If you’ve never been to Columbia, please know that you essentially cannot get there without physically stepping OVER OR AROUND multiple homeless people! The destitute of New York are on your way to school, and you’re saving your food outrage for “belittling comments” about VEGETABLES?

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If somebody serves you soup made with beef broth instead of fresh Moon detritus or whatever the hell you eat, PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, take that serving to a homeless person TWO BLOCKS from your classroom. While you’re at it, EXPLAIN to him why he shouldn’t eat animal products. I promise it’ll be an ENLIGHTENING conversation about your own privilege.

I hope that’s what the Columbia student leaders do: turn Vegangate into an enormous Food Bank NYC thing. Every meal a student doesn’t want to eat gets donated. Vegans can feel they’re starving for a purpose, homeless people get pepperoni pizza instead of the gross broccoli pizza which is usually the only thing left over.

Thanks a lot, vegans. After writing about food for a thousand words, I’m not even hungry anymore.

[1] Honestly, don’t email, Celiacs. I’m leaving you out of this, you extend me the same courtesy.

Elie Mystal is an editor of Above the Law and the Legal Editor for More Perfect. He can be reached @ElieNYC on Twitter, or at elie@abovethelaw.com. He will resist.

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